Emails From Strangers

I expect to put a few emails up on this site from my loyal readers that decide to send them to me. Ironically enough, this site is more popular than I would normally think it would be. It's not exactly teeming at the masses but I know it has had more visitors than I thought it would. Seems a lot of people are more interested in my mind then I thought they would be (now when am I going to get a few signatures in my guestbook????…LOL).

I received a rather interesting email tonight. The most unusual thing about it is that it was in an interview format. Someone wanted to know a few things that I hadn't posted on the site yet. The original email is in italics. My answers are plain text. Maybe it will be the describing factor for everyone as well.

When you first opened this site I was a bit curious about what would possess a person to lay their emotions and feelings out in the open. It was only after I read some of what you've written that I discovered how deep your passion for life shows. However, I have a few questions that I would like to ask you about yourself. I thought it would be interesting to discover more about you. Here goes:

1. Why does this site exist? I mean besides the fact that you felt you needed to discover more about yourself, there had to be something else that made you decide to make it. What was that something else?

The one factor that you're looking for is Bi-polar disorder. I've known I had it since I was about 20, but just recently agreed to start taking medication to help me control it. The medication (Tegretol for mania and Celexa for depression) even out my moods and help me think clearly. In fact, I haven't been this stable at ANY time in my life.

The ironic thing about this whole situation is that, for the past 8 years I have been adamant about not taking medication. I thought I could handle it all on my own. I knew…beyond a doubt, that I was the only one who could control it. No medication would ever clear the power of the mind.

It was only after fighting it this entire time that I discovered it's not always best to handle things on your own. Sometimes you just have to reach out for help. You have to grasp that hand when you are drowning, because otherwise you're just going to die because you were to damn stubborn. In the end I would die because I had too much pride. One of the seven deadly sins would end my life.

2. What do you do when you get stressed out? Is there anything special that helps you in those moments?

My stress takes on a level that can truly drive me insane at times. I've been told that the only time I begin to regret things in my life is when I'm stressed. Otherwise I have the strict belief that you should not regret anything you've done in life because you wouldn't be the person you are today.

Well, most of the time I close myself off from everyone and take a few deep breaths. I hide out in my room or in my house and don't answer the phone. I refuse to answer emails. I know, most people would say that you should never hide out that way. But I have found that with a little bit of "alone time" I can once again become myself and relax.

Sometimes my problems become too much but I deal with them and worry later. It's easier to become numb to everything before you freak out and go to far. I've found most of the stress goes away as soon as I realize it could always be worse.

3. What makes you happy? I've noticed a lot of things on here that describe your mind deeply, but isn't there something that makes you feel better than anything else?

Well, first look at my friends and my family. They help a lot to keep me happy. After that I have my pets. My cat Bella is the light of my life. I also have Bo and Sassy. Bo is a handful but VERY lovable. And Sassy has the perfect name…lol. I have my TV shows. They help a LOT.

But I would have to say the #1 thing is time alone. Time away from everyone, to gather my thoughts and realize who I am, who I want to be, and where I want to go with life.

4. You've mentioned relationships. Have you ever been married or involved?

Yes. I have been engaged 4 times and married once. I got married to young. I can say that for certainty. Now involved? I don't know about that. I've never been with someone that makes me completely lose control. I had too much love for one person for a LOT of my life (he'll show up on the site eventually) and that spoiled it a lot for me. It was only two years ago that this changed for me. Now I'm, as Garth Brooks puts it in one of his songs, "Learning To Live Again."

5. Exactly how old are you? I would think you would have to be rather adult to think some of these things. Maybe in your forties?

I'm 27. I'll be 28 in about a month (June). I have always been told that I have an old soul and an older way of thinking. Sometimes I wish I could've had those absolutely wild days when I was younger…but they actually showed up more around the time I was 14 and 15 then in my twenties.

6. I won't ask you where you work, but do you enjoy your job? How are your relationships with your co-workers?

My job can go either way. It's fun at times and tedious at others. It's like any other job that someone has. Believe me…I'm no different then you or anyone else. I do feel a little left out at work. I don't really fit in most of the time. I feel more as if I've been shoved into this unknown world and I'm waiting for the ball to drop on it. It's almost like an outcast state at times.

7. Is there anyone or anything special in your life right now?

Well, I have my pets…that's one thing. 3 cats. I also have a dog that is more my roommates then mine. It's an incredible dog though. Very lovable.

My family and friends play a big part in my life. The man I'm seeing has his qualities that redeem special value.

8. What do your friends and family think of this website? Have they told you anything?

My family has relished this website from the moment they first saw it. They've told me that it helped them understand me more. They are also extremely happy that I have been able to just put my emotions out on the wire this way.

One of my sisters suggested I write a book from the site. That is still an option I haven't quite cut out.

9. Is there anything about yourself that you really don't like?

Lord where do I start?

Actually, it all depends on what mood I'm in. There are times when I hate everything about myself. Other times, I think I'm perfectly fine the way I am. But the only thing that is a constant is my tendency to pull inside myself when I'm not happy. I've always been really shy. I think it's an after effect of my whole childhood.

But I nag and complain when I'm unhappy. I take it out on the person who I feel is causing the most of it. Or the person I feel deserves it. Which comes down to someone who notices I'm behaving rather unusual. They have no idea what's wrong with me.

10. I've noticed particular parts of the site don't have anything put up on them. Is this because you haven't written anything for them yet, or because you just have nothing to say about them?

I actually have tons of stuff written out for the site. I just haven't had time to type any of it up yet. RL tends to be rather busy at times.

11. Did you discuss making this site to anyone? Did any one of them object to this site? Anyone try to talk you out of making it?

Actually, I had one friend who was a little unsure of the whole prospect. Once I finished it and posted it, she seemed to lighten up on it. She found that this site actually was a good thing to have around. I have found nothing but positive aspects on the relation to this site.

12. You seem very close to your family, but I have to ask this. Isn't there anything about your family that isn't perfect?

We are a typical family. We have our fights and disagreements just like everyone else. I need to put this across right now. I am a normal person. I have a normal family. I just have a few things that I needed to get off my mind. So in essence, the site was created.

13. If you had to list five things about your life that you could change, what would they be? Why?

Hard question…lol. I think I'd have children, be married, have a job that I truly enjoyed, have enough money to be comfortable but not rich, and own my own house and car. Pretty much what everyone else wants…lol.

Well, that's about all I have to ask for right now. I know they aren't really to interesting of questions, but they are things I have been wondering about ever since I first discovered the site. Thank you for being brave enough to create this site.

Susan -------