Why is that so many people have favorite holidays? My holidays are spent measuring myself up to my sisters in my family. I feel like a failure for the most part. I mean...look at my sisters! All three of them are gorgeous. They all have families. Beautiful Children to carry on the gene pool. They have made something of themselves in my family's eyes.
Then you have me. I'm divorced once. An endless trail of men (and a few women) in my past. No children despite all the trying I did for the past ten years. The very thought of introducing my family to yet another man just makes me sick to my stomach. The ironic thing is that they probably think it's because of them. It comes down to more me. I fear I can't measure up to those brother-in-laws that exist in the family and seem perfect. I don't know...maybe that's all in my family. Maybe it all in my mind. But I have to tell you. It seems so damn certain when those holidays come around.
After a while, I just gave up. I can never truly measure up. I know that now. I just wish I could dazzle them sometime. Bring home a man and say, "Hey mom and dad, this is so and so. We're going to get married and have a baby. Isn't that wonderful?" And then we would all hug and kiss and life would get better after that. I could plan my life around those two items. Those two things...are ironically my original dream. Ever since I was ten years old I wanted a family. And ironically enough, it is me left alone.
Just doesn't seem right does it?
I love my family. I don't ever want to live without them. I just wish I could see myself through eyes once in a while. I hope I am living up to their expectations and making them proud...even without all that stuff I complain about. I pray they know just how much I care. I pray they understand the great lengths of love in my soul for them and how it could take up the emotion of everyone on this planet and a few others.
I hope I'm not the disappointment I think I am in my mind.
As for favorite holidays, well, I get narcissistic every time one comes around. A good way to get jealous and grumpy on those days that call for happiness. Favorite, let's see. Christmas (involves kids nope), New Years (lots of alcohol, don't drink. celebrating yet another year come round?...nope), Valentines (um...relationship again! nope), St. Patrick's day (sisters birthday and pinching over green? nope), Easter (kids again, nope), Mothers day (I love my mother but it reminds me of the fact that no children exist within me more each year, nope), Fathers day (Love my father...but reminds me there is no man there, nope), My birthday (a year gone by without love??? nope), independence day (fireworks? driving everywhere else? crowded by kids? nope), Halloween (no child to dress up...but the best option yet.), and Thanksgiving (crowded around all the kids and realizing I'm not measuring up again, nope).
So Halloween has it. But only by default of the fact that I am a Witch and it is all hollows eve. I think I really do like everything about Halloween. You can dress up as anyone you want and no one looks at you funny. Yep, Halloween the favorite holiday.