Sleep has often eluded me.
I know…I know. You're supposed to get at least eight hours a night. I average at about four.
Four hours…that's half what they recommend. Makes you wonder why I'm always tired (grin).
Anyways, I have this problem. I sleep great early in the morning. I hate to wake up before nine. I'm of the firm belief that if I was meant to do anything before 9 am then I would have joined the Navy (you know the old saying "We do more before 9 am then most people do all day." My response, "GO AHEAD. I'll see ya around noon for lunch.").
So this sleep thing. I get a lot of recommendations to try to go to bed sooner. My therapist says I should go to bed at a decent hour. I've always thought I was just a night person. I don't care what you say to that. There truly are people who simply CANNOT go to bed at 10 pm on the dot. I come from a family full of them.
An interesting thing about staying up late. There are really a lot of infomercials on, but when you have cable you can always change the channel. I tend to start watching cartoons at about 2 am. They always show the ACME hour, which has all those great cartoons I grew up with.
It's about 3 am before I finally realize I have to wake up for work in the morning and I better shove off to bed. Even then I sometimes can't force myself to sleep. I lay there and my mind races past worries, doubts, plans, hopes, fears, and sometimes even pure nonsense.
That late and it hits me that things are not exactly turning out like I had originally planned. I mean I was supposed to have done things with my life by the time I was 27. I feel like a failure sometimes late at night.
Those are the nights I wish I would just sleep. An avoidance factor obviously.
Other nights, I try to figure out what it is that makes me want to commit to things that I'm still unsure I can do. I know I have these immense fears of the future. Things are always looking up on nights like that. Because I know that if you do not fear the future then you can't exactly grasp the errors that are bound to fall into your lap.
I don't know. I guess, most of all, these nights are like a time for silence. I can enjoy this time alone and not fear recrimination for whatever I do. I don't have to worry about what I'm wearing or what is going to happen if I suddenly burst out into song. It's only me. Alone in the world and it feels so very alone.
Can you see why the depression strikes so often at night?
Well, I guess my sleepless nights are just another part of who I am. Some nights they are good, others bad. It all comes down to a matter of perspective.
And in this time it is only my perspective that counts to me.
3 am. I better hit the sack.