I've made a list of things that have made me happy.
I'm sorry. I know better. At least I should.
But something always holds me back from that final moment of clarification.
I'm not happy.
I couldn't sleep tonight. I've tried every trick I know. Nothing is working. If I were a smart individual I would chuck this whole lifestyle and just realize that I can't win. I'm not sure if I've ever won at anything really anyway.
You see, I've been thinking about happiness. Things have occurred in my life to make me focus better on what I have and don't have. I realized with a new certainty that I couldn't even remember the last time I was absolutely truly happy. There has never been a moment in my life that was so outstanding that I can remember it with crystal clarity. Everything comes to me with shattered bits and pieces of hope that was dashed in dreams forgotten.
I remember people and for some reason they are made into gods of one type or another. I either focus on the really bad or the really good parts of them. There is never an in between.
I have put so few people on a pedestal. Most have crashed and burned in even being mildly human. It makes me wonder why I think so much of those people.
I want to be happy for once in my life. I want something to go my way without any thought or coaching from me. I want so much from so little.
I've often wondered if anyone else has this ache inside of them, the way that I do. Is there someone out there who has these emotions just tearing them up inside? Or someone who just looks out at the world and sees the pain tearing away at all of our souls?
I hate being alone in the world. I hate not being able to show someone that there is an out. There is a way to just smile and be free to make your own choices.
Maybe I'm just looking for an impact…
I can see that the main reason I'm here is to make an impact on other people. I am here for a reason, just as everyone else on this earth is here. The problem behind that theory is that we go day to day searching for that reason. We desire and seek out that meaning.
Until the day comes that our "meaning" is upon us. Will we recognize it? Will we know what to do and how to face the options that are placed before us? And most importantly…will we pass that test and move into the frame of accomplishment?
Lord knows that if we fail we will only blame ourselves for the rest of whatever life we have left. And that is in effect no life at all.
I want to think that I am here to learn the truth. I am here to see all forms of life in a way that I never saw them before. I am here to make an impact on those folks that just don't have it in them to believe in themselves.
I don't know if I can accomplish it. I've hurt so many people on the path I walk daily. I've taken people and destroyed their ideals. I've crushed the dreams of those that wanted things from me.
Only in these people I have had an impact. Just as they have had one in me. These people that have broken my trust or pulled away at the most inordinate times have learned a lesson in life.
What it comes down to is that I only want one thing in life.
I want to make a difference.