I have done so many things in my life that I'm not proud of. Each and every one of them is the link to my soul that sometimes cannot be read. My contemplations of suicide and other meanderings can never be seen as the truth.
What is the truth in definition? Does it mean opening yourself to hurt and pain and everything else? Does it mean not doing things that you know you'll regret later? Does it mean being able to live without a guilty conscious?
Or is simply another lie that we are forced to believe?
Why am I questioning the truth in context of fears? We all lie to keep our fears hidden. We try to see the world without fear, only to find it wrapped around us in tight gripping hands. Hands that once they're squeezing can no longer let go.
The irony of it all is, what do you do once you're caught in a lie? Do you stutter and turn away hoping no one will notice the change? Do you blatantly spurt a truth that you've been hiding?
I just don't know anymore. I don't know how to face the night and the day. I don't know how to wake up in the morning and see it as something good. The only thing I see is a black pit of dispair.
A call from death…one I must answer soon.
I've tried to see my way though fear. I've tried to see my way through the depths of my own mind only to find that I am once again drowning in lonilness and heartache.
If only I knew a way to change it all. A way to bring the light back into my life and make it stay. I need a touchstone.
Right now, and probably forever, I have nothing to live for. I have no past, no present, and no future. I want more than anything to just slit my wrists, or down a bottle of pills and be done with it.
No more hiding in fear. It's time to do something about it.
Nothingness sounds peaceful. It sounds so very infinite. I want to curl up and just never move again. I want to feel again…even if it takes my own death to do it.
What does one have to fear…but fear itself?
So now I grow tired. It's an escape of sorts. I know that death can't solve everything. But it can solve a great many things for me. It can bring me the peace I seek in everything.
Does anyone even care? Do they understand what I am fighting for day after day? I honestly don't know anymore. I wish someone could tell me what it is. I wish someone could explain why I have to live in a world that has shown me nothing but contempt and lies and disbelief. I need help. I need it tonight. Because I'm tired of living this life. I'm tired of being in a state of despair.
Will anyone question my death? Will they understand why I did it? I fear they won't.
Even with everything I've left behind. I never gained anything. I never was able to open my heart to someone and allow them to love me. I wish…
No. Wishing is pointless. The only thing it does is breathe a sound of directness into a life full of nothing. I feel as if I don't exist anymore. My body has been fading for so long and now it has nothing to hold onto. Nothing to grasp. I'm a shell of a human being that never had a chance.
I'm not really here.
How do I explain to someone what that feels like? How do you tell someone that you don't exist and there is nothing they can do to save you? Because what would be the point? Why should they even bother trying to see what's inside you when there's nothing there?
There were so many things I wanted out of life. So many things that never got a chance to do. Yet, when I look back, my most basic things were the ones that I never got no matter how much I wanted them.
There is nothing. It's just not worth it anymore.
So how do I face my fear? How do I end the nothingness and get a sense of peace?
I know what others will say. I know what they'll think.
I was selfish.
I didn't care about them.
They'll want to know why. Why did I do it and how come I did it to them?
If only they could understand. It's not about them.
This is about me.
About where I was.
About what I needed.
Sure they'll grieve.
But time heals all wounds.
Time erases the memory.
Time makes you move on.
I'm almost 30.
Time's almost up.
I'm fighting the clock of death and death is winning this time.