Tonight there was this sudden click of when so many things fell into place. I remember a long time ago just knowing that when the XF stopped I would die. I knew it with a certainty that all the young believe in. Something that I loved so very much was going to be ripped from the grasp of reality that I chose to believe in so many years ago.
That was then and this is now. I believe in fate. I believe in horror. And I still believe that my time in this life is limited. What it is that causes me to believe this I'll never know.
I watched the Lone Gunmen die tonight. I felt the ripping fall in my chest and the tears cascade down from my eyes in a rush that I haven't had in a VERY long time. I know it's a TV show. I really do. But instead of becoming less and less addicted I have discovered a problem in my mind. It is disheartenening to watch something die that you have cared for…something that has become such part of you that you no longer understand what you did before it existed.
Death is often the initiator to thoughts of destruction.
I don't want to find out the truth. I don't want the world to keep on turning when a show that has saved my life a dozen times over suddenly crashes to a blinding halt. I have lost so many people that I cared for, must I lose something of myself as well? I thought I was prepared for it. I thought that I could play along and see it the way so many others do.
But I can't. I can't put behind all the times that I felt I had not one friend in the world and that XF was there for me, no matter what.
WHO falls in love with fictional characters??? WHO is that insane? Who gets so obsessed that they can't even find themselves in there own mannerisms?
I want to go back. Back to the beginning when it was all new and exciting. When the folks that you believed and trusted in were there. When Krycek was alive, Deep Throat still had secrets, and three very unusual men were there to help save a world and inform people of just how screwed up it was.
But life must go on. Despite everything, it is a fight I must endure if only to discover a person inside myself worth liking. I want to survive this but so very often I can only hear myself stating so plainly to an old boyfriend named Brian at the height of the fifth season "Oh my god, I'm going to die. They're ending the X-files. I know I won't live to long after it's over. I've known for a very long time. I'm going to die."