From: Rebecca Compeau To: Whispers Subject: [XFNC17ff] Filling the Void 1 of 1 NC17 Date: Friday, August 31, 2001 5:21 PM This is in response to the August Whispers of X challenge. Elements can be found at the bottom. Title: Filling the Void Author: Soleil Compeau Summary: Scully can't bear the thought of another man ever touching her again after Mulder. But she's very lonely.... Spoilers: DeadAlive Keywords: Scully/Reyes slash, angst Disclaimer: These characters are not mine. They probably should be, since I'm actually putting them through *less* torture then their Creator. But when I'm done with them, I'll put them back where I got them. Okay? Okay. Rating: NC17 Author's Notes: Despite the NC17 rating, this piece is not just a smut biscuit. It's a dark journey for Scully in her discovery of just what it will take to survive with half her heart and soul in the ground. This piece has been on my mind for a long time, and thanks to Shell's continued ass whupping, I've finally written it. Thanks Shell! Scully tossed back and forth on the bed, wishing she could sleep. Idly, one hand drifted down to the slight swell over her pubic bone, and she let her fingers play over it. Mulder's baby was in there. As hot tears coursed down her cheeks, she wondered if she would ever be done with crying. During the day she was strong and stoic, always the professional agent. At night she let herself become more the woman Mulder had begun to glimpse before his abduction. No one was there anymore to see her walls crumble. It was odd, the things that reminded her of him and set her off. Baseball used to be a sport she enjoyed, now she could not bear to watch a game. A gentle fall rain set her to thinking about the first time they made love. It was a good thing coffee was off limits to her now or every cup would have conjured his smiling face as he handed her the traditional morning cup. The only thing that got her through being in his office was Doggett's almost alien presence there. The worst part was when she went to Dr. Parenti for prenatal check ups. With every new thing she learned about her pregnancy, the wish, the desire to share it with Mulder was almost overwhelming. And now with the beginning of the second trimester came another way to feel his absence. From her own body came the near-constant desire to make love to him. Increased sexual desire was a common symptom of pregnancy. Scully wished otherwise. Her heart was frozen solid and refused to beat. Why should her vulva pulse and contract with desire for her lost center when her world had essentially narrowed down to just living, just breathing in and out? Often Scully would dream of him. Sometimes she dreamed of being in the field next to Skinner, watching in helpless horror as he was taken by blinding white light, unable to stop the inexorable tearing in her soul. Most often, though, the dreams were worse than that. And they started out so wonderfully, so innocuously. Just recently, the beach figured prominently in her nighttime fantasies. She and Mulder had never been to the beach together. They had just begun to explore a more normal relationship, each unsure of what that meant within the bonds of their own particular gestalt. But once during a steamy phone conversation in the middle of the week, Mulder had confessed to a desire to visit the seashore with her. Scully's hand slid a little farther down and rested just below her curly pubic hair, lightly touching her outer lips. Tears continued to leak out of her eyes. She was so tired, so tired. Every day was spent in the most strenuous activity her pregnancy would allow, so that there was no room during daylight to dwell on him. Her fingers moved in a slow circle, but she fell asleep before she could complete the loop. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> "We run together out the beach. It's the middle of the night and no one will catch us." Together they opened the hotel door, looking cautiously around to make sure no one saw them. Clad only in fluffy towels, they ran the few yards to where the sidewalk ended and clean white sand began. As they jogged towards the inviting water, Mulder's towel, small to begin with, worked its way off his lean hips and fell at his feet. He paused long enough to snatch it up, and ran on. "We're so free, we can act like children, like God intended us to be. Scully, do you feel the sea breeze whip through your hair and caress your body?" She laughed as his penis bobbed against his abdomen with each graceful bound. Undaunted, he grabbed her waist and tossed her easily over his powerful shoulder, fireman style. Striding to where the surf broke in foamy waves on the beach, he lowered them both into the cool water. At some point after lifting her, he had unwound her towel from around her torso and tossed it behind them. It lay half entangled with his own. "I like being this way with you. I like not having to hold back my love. I can touch you, I can kiss and smile and laugh with you." A wrestling match for dominance commenced. Both wanted to be on top, neither was above using tickling to achieve the desired goal. Both were similarly sensitive this way. It was Mulder's superior strength which won out. He trapped her on the damp, cool sand with his long body. "We make love there on the sand, letting the waves lick at our bodies. It's so free and primitive Scully! The sound of the surf muffles our cries of pleasure." Mulder taunted her with leisurely kisses of her mouth and sensuous licks of her nipples. He shifted his hips, rising up to penetrate her, and she panted with anticipation of his first full thrust inside her. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> She reached for him, trembling with arousal, and found herself in her bed, alone in the dark. He was not there. Like an interrupted sentence that would never be heard, he was not there. Scully gasped with frustration and pain, falling back into the bed and huddling under the covers. Once more, her nightly ritual began. Scully reached into her bedside table and slowly withdrew a magazine. On the cover, in big, bold red letters, were the words, "Do me with it BIG BOY." A muscular male model posed sneering on his knees before a woman who writhed in either pleasure or pain. It was difficult to tell. Scully hated looking at the cover but she felt she had no choice in viewing this material. She had to do *something* to relieve this almost constant ache. She leafed through her latest purchase until she found a promising page. A tall man sprawled across the shiny paper, looking soulfully into the camera while stroking his strangely fake looking, enormous erection. The woman gazing at him caught her breath and put her fingers to her nipples. She stroked lightly, with just her fingertips, unconsciously imitating her former partner's touch. A vision of Mulder in the shower with her, hand on his cock and eyes on her sudsy body, skittered across her mind's eye and was as quickly gone. She set the magazine down so it would stay open to the right page, and used her other hand to stimulate her engorged vulva. It took only a few minutes before she was shaking and vibrating with release, however lonely it was. When her breathing steadied, her eyes opened and happened to fall again on the man in the picture. It was then that she realized that the model had dark tousled hair, pouty lips, and strangely sensuous eyes. With a sob of longing for another tall, dark and handsome man, Scully lifted the now offending article and threw it with all her strength away from her. A magazine makes a poor missile, but it was aerodynamic enough to hit the opposite wall. A shelf that Scully had just recently hung was its designated landing. The shelf tottered a moment on unsteady nails, then tumbled with the shiny paper that was its undoing, onto the floor. ------------------- Next day at the office: "No ma'am, I really don't think there's anything to investigate in this case," Scully explained politely to the woman on the phone. The agent suppressed a sigh. She seemed to be doing that a lot lately. "Perhaps he's on vacation. Or recovering from an illness and doesn't want his adoring public to worry about him." Whoa Dana. Easy on the sarcasm there. the woman, Jamie Something-or-other she'd said her name was, huffed angrily. Scully couldn't deal with that abrupt reminder of Agent Mulder. She said goodbye shortly, and hung up the phone. Seconds later, it rang again. "Scully!" she practically shouted into the phone. A pause, then a voice that she swore she would know anywhere. "Monica? Agent Reyes, is that you?" There was a pause. "I'm fine." She was anything but, however, no one could ever know that. "Mmm hmmm?" Another brief pause. For the first time upon hearing that particular phrase *you can talk to me anytime* Scully didn't feel like rolling her eyes in disgust. Something about the woman's tone made the trite phrase seem sincere. Scully fantasized for a moment about taking Monica's advice and pouring her heart out. She firmly suppressed the urge. It was not who she was, not what she did. Agent Doggett returned from his lunch break right about then. Scully immediately turned her back to him. He took the hint and prudently stayed on the other side of the small office, giving her a measure of privacy. "Yes, why don't you?" The whole time the woman was reciting the numbers, Scully wondered what she was doing. It was unlikely she would ever call Monica. *Agent Reyes, dammit* she told herself. Maintain a professional distance. After all, this woman was there, when - she sagged against the desk, remembering a cold forest lit by an eerie blue light and a naked, battered man. She forced the memories down brutally so she could say goodbye in a more civilized way than she had to Jamie. In a haze, her day went on. ------------------- Scully kept dreaming about sex. The beach dream varied now. Sometimes she was on top, on top of Mulder's face as he hungrily lapped at her pussy. Sometimes instead of playing with her in the surf, he threw her down and took her roughly from behind. Every time she woke, aroused, from these dreams, there was a terrible moment when she had to remind herself that they would never make love again. They would never gaze at each other, never argue the merits of a case, never sit dutifully in Skinner's office while he read their report. She would never see him again. There were too many nevers for Scully. She wanted to die. She wanted to be rid of the constant lump in her throat. Even the thought that she would soon see Mulder's face mirrored in the tiny features of an infant did little to help her cope. In fact, it made the loss even more poignant. Occasionally Scully wished she had the courage to view something from Mulder's private video collection. Every few weeks she bought a trashy periodical, and she was just about due for a visit to the "bookstore." Browsing the shelves for inspiration, a different kind of cover caught her eye. Two women kissed lustily while rubbing each other's amply endowed chests. The redhead did not pause to consider the fierce longing this picture evoked. She paid for it quickly and raced home to peruse it. Unlike the other issues, it didn't sit in her bedside table drawer until desperation drove her to look at it. She examined it from every angle in fascination. These pictures were not like the few she had glimpsed of Mulder's (yes she had glimpsed them, however accidentally). These women were not simply posing evocatively. They looked like they were actually kissing, actually licking each other's nipples, actually licking between each other's legs. Those particular images were the ones that affected Scully most. She especially liked the one of a blond woman with her hands tied above her head with a black ribbon. Another blond woman knelt before her, holding her knees so that her legs were spread wide and she could not move. The kneeling female had her mouth open and the flat of her tongue pressed right up into the bound woman's netherlips. It appeared the camera had caught her midlick. IT'S NELLIE'S FIRST TIME WITH A WOMAN, the caption proclaimed boldly. In smaller letters beneath it continued, She's not really sure if she likes it or not. Judging from Nellie's facial expression, she was in ecstasy. Scully had not one, but three orgasms that night. Afterward, there was no self-recrimination, no pain and guilt and emptiness over her actions. As she fell into a sated sleep, the lonely agent knew what her next course of action had to be. The next morning: "Agent Reyes? It's Dana Scully." "I was wondering if we could get together next weekend? On Saturday night? That is, if you don't already have plans." Pause Scully took a deep cleansing breath. This was it. Once she uttered the next few sentences, there would be no going back. "Actually, I'd like to make a reservation in a nice hotel I used to visit sometimes. Sound good?" Now there was a really long pause. "Good. But talking isn't exactly what I wanted." "I was hoping to find out...just how *open* you can be...Monica." ------------------- She was nervous as she puttered around the hotel room waiting for the dark haired agent to arrive. No, more like terrified. Beyond kissing a few of her high school girlfriends at a drunken graduation party, Scully had never done anything like this before. But inside, she felt the inherent rightness of her plan. This would be good for her. A wicked grin crossed her face. Indeed, she hoped it would be *very* good for her. Suddenly a knock at the door and the jiggle of the handle as Monica inserted her key interrupted Dana's wayward thoughts. Scully stood in the center of the room, hoping that her ensemble would offset any initial awkwardness. The dark pink lace set off her glowing red hair nicely, she thought. She hoped. The door opened and Monica walked in. She stopped when she saw Scully, and just looked at her for long moments. Dana cleared her throat. "Hello Monica." "Dana. Good to see you. You look gorgeous." Monica couldn't stop herself from one more sweeping perusal of Dana's nearly naked body. She set her suitcase down and shut the door. Dana held out her arms and Monica could no longer resist the invitation. She tore her jacket off as she crossed the few steps needed to get close to that silky skin. The kiss was hot and passionate immediately. Neither woman felt the need to hold back the mutual attraction anymore. Tongues played erotically together and hands groped and stroked enticingly. When they finally broke apart, Monica was half naked and Dana's nipples jutted through the teddy. Monica struggled to undo her pants. Dana was just the right height to bend her head down and take those rosy pink nipples one at a time into her greedy mouth. She gasped and trembled and finally had to put her hands on the small milk white shoulders and push her away slightly to finish stripping. Then it was a race to the bed where the taller woman took charge, much to Scully's pleasure. Monica arranged the small woman on the pillows, spreading her legs wide and making sure her head was supported so she could watch exactly what she planned to do to her. She leaned back a moment and just stopped, a little breathless at what was about to happen. "Jesus Scully...Dana...is this really happening? It's happening so fast, do you really want this?" Scully's answer was everything Monica could have hoped for. She grabbed her head and shoved it down toward her thighs. "God!" she exclaimed as her lips made contact with slippery, salty lips. Her tongue came out and she laved Dana with long strokes. Every inch of her hot center was licked thoroughly. Dana arched into Monica's mouth, unable to get enough. Her hands twisted and gripped in the bedspread and she chanted helplessly, "Oh God yes, do it, do it, I want more! Lick it, lick it, God! lickmypussysogoodohsogood!" Monica spread her legs as wide as they would go, pushing her tongue as fast and as hard as she could. She closed her lips around Dana's sex and treated it like a mouth which she must kiss intimately. Soon she tasted a new wetness that signaled imminent orgasm. She moved up to Dana's swollen clitoris and licked it roughly while pushing two fingers into her and pressing up. Dana jerked and shuddered and screamed in spectacular release. Scully kept her eyes closed while her heart rate slowed back down and her breathing evened out. She raised her eyelids slowly, half expecting to see Mulder's face contorted with desire as he pushed into her sticky heat. Instead, Monica hovered above her with the exact same expression. A surge of lust rose up in Scully, a desire to give back as good as she had been given. She sat up in one fluid motion, startling Monica. Scully didn't really want any awkwardness between them. She honestly liked this woman and felt she could be an ally and a friend. And she wasn't truly capable of just a quick fuck, no matter how horny she was. Otherwise, she'd have slept with Mulder years ago. So, she smiled full into the woman's eyes as she reached for her, lips puckered for a kiss. This one was not so desperate as the last, but just as deep and erotic. It was a kiss that promised no sleep and hours of debauchery. Dana explored a woman's body for the first time, hesitantly at first, then with more confidence as Monica moaned her approval. Scully lay the dark haired agent down on the pillows in much the same position she had just been in. It quickly became apparent that Monica was as desperate as Dana was in the beginning. So Scully slid herself down the bed until her head rested between Monica's thighs. Face to face with her lover's obvious desire, Scully once again felt a twinge of fear. What if she didn't like what Scully did to her? What if Scully herself didn't like another women's taste? Well, she had planned for this eventuality. From under the blankets Dana withdrew the vibrator bought especially for this occasion. She flicked it on and Monica let out a long drawn out groan at the sound. She wiggled in anticipation and Scully felt her own excitement surge up a notch. She was careful at first, but the vocal and loud encouragement she got urged her to increase her pace. Scully wiggled the device over and around Monica's folds, dipping in occasionally. Finally she couldn't hold back anymore, she *had* to know how she tasted. A small lick at Monica's hardened and protruding clitoris showed that this particular woman, at least, was as sweet as honey. Dana dipped and tasted like a bee, and Monica came soon after. The two women lay for a bit on the bed, recovering from the shock and pleasure of what they had just done. It was Monica who broke the silence. "Wow Dana. When you decide to make a move, you really make a move!" Scully rolled over and stretched languidly. "Well, I figured you had left me a good enough opening that this scenario wouldn't totally shock you." "You shocked me a little. But it was in a good way, believe me!" "What do you want to do now? There's a pool, and a shopping mall nearby, and the bathtub is huge. It has jets to turn it into a jacuzzi." "Dana? *Do* you want to talk about things at all? I know you're trying to stay in control, but I can sense how much you really miss Mulder." Scully squeezed her eyes shut so tightly that she saw paisley. "That is definitely not in my plans for this weekend, no. Forgive my seeming rudeness, but that is just too personal, even after what we just did." She opened her eyes again. "And what we will still do later." Hours later, after foregoing room service in favor of a cheesy, pepperoni-and-mushroom-and-onion pizza with beer and soda, the women explored their TV options. The hotel was discreetly classy; the porn channel was pay only, and that was only after they found the menu options. Much embarrassed giggling ensued before they decided that there was plenty of porn between the two of them. Scully was secretly relieved, listening to porn would have been too much like her road trips with Mulder, even if the sounds would be in her room instead of muffled through a wall. "Ice cream! We need ice cream!" shouted Dana, bouncing on the bed. She was drunk and giddy enough to not care that she was acting like a little girl. Even the fact that she was indulging *way* too much did not concern her overly; she knew her normal regimen of healthy diet and regular exercise would hold her in good stead. "I brought my favorite, Moose Tracks! Didn't you see me put it in the freezer?" "Get it, get it! We'll use our hands instead of spoons!" Monica laughed all the way into the kitchenette and back. Dana never acted like this as far as she could tell. The empath in her knew that Scully desperately needed this, needed to feel like a normal person, needed to temporarily forget the burning agony in her soul. For a moment, she tried to envision a similar situation for herself, and just could not comprehend it. She must be in agony, Monica thought sympathetically. After consuming over half the carton with their bare hands and tongues, both women were sticky and sweaty with arousal. Monica thought of some wonderful ways to clean Dana's body, but decided that a slow seduction would be much more fun. The petite redhead looked dazed, maybe shell shocked by the lengths she was going to forget herself. Maybe thoughts of her dead partner were catching up to her again. "So Dana...let's see just how big this bathtub is." She led the agent into the bathroom and tenderly stripped her of the now torn and dirty lingerie. She turned on the hot water and led her charge into the steamy interior. Dana seemed to perk up a bit more once they got under the spray. She reached for the taller woman and kissed her sweetly, as if thanking her for what had transpired between them and the tenderness Monica was showing her now. It was all the encouragement the other woman needed. She hadn't had a chance to pay much attention to Dana's obviously sensitive breasts before. She touched them leisurely, stroking the pads of her fingers around in slow circles, then barely flicking at the nipples. When Dana moaned and began touching Monica's breasts in response, she bent down a bit to use her tongue. Scully was really enjoying the tease she was being made to endure. The feel of a feminine tongue flicking around her areolae caused a burning and wetness inside. When that tongue finally began to stroke directly on the tips of her breasts, her knees buckled. Monica figured out that they were big enough to push together and sucked both aching peaks into her mouth. Mulder had done that to her on one occasion. Both times the sensation was unbelievable. Monica slid a hand down Scully's belly, pausing for an infinitesimal moment on the tiny, hard bulge. She said nothing and continued on to the wetness waiting below. Again, she teased her partner, never letting her touch linger in one place or her fingers to penetrate. Scully was squeezing her arms tightly and gasping sharply when Monica spoke to her. "I'm going to lick your pussy now Dana." Her voice was husky and seductive. Dana certainly seemed to like the suggestion, for she cried out and whimpered, "Yes, God yes. Do it!" The water was getting cold anyway, so she shut it off and lay down on the floor of the tub, urging Dana to follow her down. The small woman straddled her face and Monica delightedly opened her folds and pushed her tongue inside. This angle was incredible for oral sex. In this position, she made Scully come several times, loving the taste of her juices running over her tongue and down her throat. At last Scully pulled away with "No more, I can't take any more" shuddering from her throat. They tangled limply a moment until Dana stood up and reached for the towels. "Paybacks are hell Monica." The beautiful woman drying her off with a towel was all the foreplay Monica really needed after eating Dana to a creamy froth. She was very anxious when Scully led her to the bed and laid down so she could straddle her face in return. This time, Dana showed no hesitation in putting her mouth all over a female's genitals. Monica was actually thrashing in pleasure as Scully licked her way all over her pussy again and again, showing no desire whatsoever to ever stop. Human endurance finally made them separate for sleep. Exhausted, not bothering with clothes, they slumbered the few hours until daylight. Coffee and breakfast was included in the hotel room fee, so a knock at the door next morning did not startle them too much. Dana pulled on a robe and let in the smiling man who seemed tickled to find two women in a one bed hotel room. He cheerfully grinned a "Good morning" and left them to their own devices. Scully sat back down on the edge of the bed. Monica got up and, not bothering with any kind of covering at all, rummaged through her suitcase until she came up with a mug of her own. Scully looked askance at the design, which featured all the Loony Tunes character cavorting on the sides of the fat mug. Monica chuckled a bit self consciously. "It's my way of staying childlike. I guess I need a reminder sometimes why life is good, with all the darkness I see in my work." Scully nodded wryly, maybe I need something like that too, she thought. Then she tightened the robe further around her belly. I've already got one. The thought of Mulder's baby warmed her now instead of causing her bitter pain for what was not. "When can I see you again Dana?" Monica began, spreading cream cheese on a piece of toast. Whoa boy. Now came the hard part. Dana steeled herself. "I don't know if I can do this again, Agent Reyes." Monica looked up quickly at the distant way Scully addressed her. The other woman looked her straight in the eye. "This is not a one night stand. Not in any way. I want you to know that I like you, in many ways, and I'm just not sure how that fits into my life." She hesitated, then took the plunge and got as personal as she dared with this lovely woman who touched her heart and made her feel pleasure. "There's so much pain in my soul right now. I'm trying to tidy up the pieces of my life right now, and I can't complicate it further. This was a wonderful experience for me." She squeezed Monica's arm. The agent continued to look steadily back into her own blue eyes. "I have no idea when this will be repeated. I don't know if it ever will be. I just wanted you to know I wasn't just blowing you off." Monica sighed a little wistfully. "Okay Dana. I think I understand. But my offer to talk is still open. And don't be surprised if I keep trying with you. You're a special woman and I think you've found a permanent place in my heart. Any time you need anything, just call me. All right?" Scully nodded her acceptance and both women finished their breakfast. Then they left the hotel and went their separate ways once again. Monica dreamed of Dana that night. They swam in a huge pool, naked and free. When she caught up to the smaller woman, they both laughed and embraced until they sank peacefully below the water. Scully dreamed once again of Mulder. This time, he sat on the edge of her bed and stroked her stomach lovingly. He grinned at her and told her that she was his strong, beautiful woman, and he was so happy she was having his baby. Scully woke with tears on her face once again, but the beginnings of peace stirred faintly in her heart. The End 1. A shelf that falls down. 2. Sex on a beach. 3. A "Loony Toonsİ" coffee mug. 4. An unexpected phone call. 5. A porn magazine entitled "Do me with it BIG BOY" that DOESN'T belong to Mulder. 6. A character named "Jamie" (So I'm being vain this month...SUE ME...lol) 7. Black ribbon. Please tell me what you think at DKMulder@juno.com!