Title:Leaving Me Now Author:Caroline Category:MSR, Angst Rating:NC17 Disclaimer:Not mine, never have been, never will be, owned by Surfer Dude and his minions. Me, I just love to let them play....after I torture them a little bit first...in the interests of the story you understand. Spoilers:Its all fair game should I choose to use it. Set pre All Things, which never happened, so imagine its S7 sometime ish. Dedications: Clair.....after all this is all your fault, Rachel, sis I love you, DD & GA for eight great years, and David, I can't watch it without you, I will miss you so! Summary:"The EMT charged the paddles a last time, come on Agent Mulder don't die on me now......" Feedback:Hell yes, tell me, tell me, tell me, peter_caroline@hotmail.com March 20th 45 miles west of D.C 11.05pm He drove mindlessly, trying to let himself stay numb. If he focused at all it would all come crashing down, and the tears scudding down his face would fall faster and harder, blinding him. Much like the rain falling on the windshield as he headed nowhere in the darkness. He couldn't recall how long he had been driving, he had no idea where he was going. He just knew he couldn't stop yet, for if he stopped, he would have to deal with the pain. He couldn't deal with the pain, for he was sure this wound was fatal. Her voice sounded in his brain and he fought not to hear it again, not to remember anything she had said. But cursed as he was with perfect recall, it played again despite his best efforts not to go into that corner of his mind. Earlier that night: "I can't do this Mulder, it was a mistake, it should never have happened." "Scully please, please don't do this, don't regret this, I can't take it." "I'm sorry Mulder, I am, I just can't, I've tried, but I can't, we can't." "Yes we can Scully, this is right, its right for both of us, I don't understand how you can deny how we feel?" "How you feel Mulder, please don't do this to me." "You feel it too Scully." "No......you're wrong, it shouldn't have happened Mulder, I want things back the way they were. We're partners Mulder, we're best friends, and thats all it can be, all it can ever be." "Scully please, don't say that, I'm begging you Scully, please." "You have to go Mulder, don't call me okay, I need a few days. I'll see you in the office on Monday." "Thats its, you just want me to leave, you won't even talk to me?" "Theres nothing to say Mulder, I'm sorry, I hate that this is hurting you but you'll see its for the best. I need for you to go now." "Scully please, please talk to me." "No Mulder, just go, you need to go." She locked the door behind him the second he was through it, the sound of the deadbolt sliding was like a gunshot through his heart. He knew this was the end, he had no way back to the way it was before, he simply wasn't built that way. He had taken a step onto a one way road, and now he would die because of it. He knew himself well enough to know it was only a matter of time now, of how long he could function before he took that way out. So he tried to stay numb, numb was good, it bought him time. But eventually he would run out of numb, and then, it would all be over. It was as this thought was running through his exhausted mind that he noticed the headlights of the oncoming vehicle. They were too bright, something wasn't right. They were on his side of the road, and they were headed straight for him. Instinct kicked in and he swerved violently, trying valiantly to avoid the collision. The next moment the car was upside down and tumbling, he knew he flipped twice before the darkness claimed him. **************** 11.27pm Arriving on the scene of her fourth traffic altercation of the day, Emergency Medical Technician Chloe Shaw felt her stomach sink. She dealt with death alot, always hoping to save life, and today, death was winning. She raced from the ambulance, her partner in tow, not holding out much hope for life to even todays score. They had received the call not ten minutes earlier, she could see the parked vehicle of the driver that had called 911. As fate would have it they had been nearby having been called to a false alarm. The dark night was cold and the rain was unrelenting as she surveyed the scene. A dark Ford Explorer was plowed headlong into a roadside tree, the driver had obviously not been belted in, for she was some twenty feet away having been thrown through the windshield upon impact. Her partner indicated that he would check, however futile it seemed, for signs of life, and Chloe continued on to the second vehicle. The silver Taurus had come to rest the right side up, but it had rolled more than once judging by the damage. The driver's airbag had fired, and the driver was slumped over the steering wheel. Chloe sent up a silent prayer that she wouldn't lose another one today, and grasped the driver's side door handle to try and wrench it open. She managed to get the crumpled door to cooperate and knelt by the driver to feel for a pulse. Finding one, albeit very faint, she turned and yelled into the night for her partners help. "Mark, get over here now, I've got life signs here." Her male counterpart sprinted over to join her. "The females dead, I radioed in, do we need the chopper Chloe?" Chloe felt for a pulse again, very faint and getting weaker. "Yeah Mark, get them over here fast, there's no way he'll make it if we try to drive him in, the chopper's his only hope." Once Mark had placed the call, the two EMT's gently eased the Taurus's driver to the ground, quickly assessing his condition and relaying it to the inbound chopper. Chloe knew the man had severe internal injuries, there was blood coming from his mouth and nose, his breathing was shallow and his colour was bad. She strapped his neck and inserted a breathing tube so she could bag him and keep oxygen flowing into his lungs. Mark fitted him with pressure bands over his legs to try and keep the driver's blood pressure up, that done, they searched for ID in the driver's pockets. They needed to radio in the ID to the police who were also enroute to the scene. The police would then search for the driver's next of kin. "He's a Fed Chloe." Mark held the drivers ID badge up for her to see. "Guess that explains this.." she replied, indicating the holstered gun she had removed and placed on the ground next to her unconcious patient. "His name is.......Mulder, Special Agent Fox Mulder." A police squad car arrived and Mark went to relay the information to them. Chloe studied the injured Agent, he was probably mid to late thirties she decided. Even in his current condition and covered in his own blood he was handsome, and too young to die, especially like this. Its not time for you to check out, she thought. A Federal Agent should at least go in the line of duty, not in a freak traffic accident. She continued to bag him, aiding his breathing, but she wasn't happy about his condition. Stopping for just a moment she realised he wasn't breathing on his own at all, feeling for a pulse again, this time she couldn't find one and she yelled for her partner's help as she prepared to try and shock his heart back into action. They had administered adrenalin, and shocked him three times, but so far his heart wouldn't start. "I think we have to call it Chloe, he's gone." "I'm not losing another one today Mark, I'm just not, turn it up and lets try it again." He gave a sympathetic smile, she always fought so hard did his partner, she always gave her job everything. The EMT charged the paddles a last time. "Come on Agent Mulder" his partner murmured "don't die on me now." ********************* 11.27pm Dana Scully sat at her kitchen table, her head in her hands and tears flowing silently down her face, dripping onto the table below from her chin. She hadn't moved from that spot since she had forced Mulder to leave two hours earlier. She had started to sob, even as she was bolting the door behind him, praying that he would come to understand what she was doing. She knew she was hurting him, and she prayed for forgiveness, but she just couldn't take the path he wanted her too, not this time. It had been a mistake, she had allowed her desire for him, her love for him to take control over her the previous night. Every promise she had made herself she had broken, she could only hope she hadn't destroyed their partnership, or more importantly their friendship in the process. How could I be so stupid? How did I let this happen to us? She knew Mulder loved her, that he desired her, and God knows she loved and desired him, so much so that she was amazed her heart could contain that much emotion. But what they had now worked, they were incredible together as partners. She had found in Mulder the most loyal friend she would ever have. A partner who challenged her daily, called her science and her beliefs into question. Demanded that she open herself up to the most extreme possibilities. Someone who was always, and unfailingly there for her, and she couldn't live without that. She knew, she'd known for years that she simply couldn't live without Fox Mulder in her life. If they were to have a romantic relationship it would change everything. She knew Mulder would demand all of her, would let her keep no secrets, would make her bare herself to him in every way, until she was lost completely in him, absorbed by him, changed forever. She wanted that, she wanted to lose herself in his love, and yet it terrified her. Mulder's passion, his fierce and total dedication to the things he did, she feared if he turned it on her she would fail him somehow. She would disappoint him, not be what he needed her to be. Worse still, she was afraid she would lose her edge, the distance that she maintained between them that allowed her to reign him in. If that happened, if she was so lost in loving him that she stopped being the detached voice of reason that kept him on track, he might come off that track completely. And if that happened, what if he did something reckless that cost him his life? Something she would normally have seen coming and been able to prevent. His death would be her fault, because she had allowed their partnership to change. Because she knew Fox Mulder would remain on his quest until he found his elusive truth. He would never give up, never give in, until he had brought 'them' down. Until he had won this fight for the future. It was who he was, and she didn't wish to change him, she loved him this way. And because she loved him, because she knew he would never give up his quest, because she couldn't live without him, it had to be this way. Their partnership must remain as it was, she had to retain the distance between them that allowed her to function as she did. She did it for his sake, he would understand that in the end. He would, wouldn't he, once he had time to gain some perspective. If only she hadn't had to lie to him, she had told him she didn't feel it, the love between them, not that way, not the way he did. She'd had no choice, if he thought she loved him, the way she knew he loved her, she would be another quest, another thing he wanted that he would never give up on having. And last night, oh god, last night she had basically shown him that she felt exactly what he did. She had allowed him to make love to her, she had taken a step towards what she could never have. Her heart had ruled, instead of her head, and now she might have destroyed everything. Today she had tried to take it back, tried to tell him it was a mistake, whilst he looked at her like she was ripping his heart out. Mulder you are the last person alive I would ever wish to hurt. He had told her he couldn't take it, her rejection of his love. He had begged her, pleaded with her, and she had sent him away. Its for the best Mulder, you have to understand, we have to find a way back to the way it was before. Still she sat and cried, for Mulder, and the pain she was causing him. For herself, and her own heart that was breaking. For the love she wanted to lose herself in. The passion she wanted to show. The longing that filled every part of her. The desire she had to keep within. Scully sobbed on and on into the night, until a puddle of tears resided beneath her chin on the table, until the phone rang and disturbed her quiet misery. Damn, what if it was Mulder? She was about to let the machine pick up when she felt a searing pain run through her body. It was gone as soon as she felt it, and she was seized with a sense of dread in its wake. She had to answer that phone. Trying to keep her voice steady, she picked up the reciever. "Scully" "Am I speaking to Agent Dana Scully ma'am?" "Yes, who is this?" "This is Officer Daniel Grant, I've been in touch with the FBI Agent Scully, and you are listed as the emergency call of Agent Fox Mulder, is that correct?" "That's correct Officer, Agent Mulder is my partner, whats wrong?" "I'm afraid Agent Mulder has been involved in a traffic accident Agent Scully." "What's his condition?" Please, Mulder, please God don't be dead. "He's in critical condition, currently on the way to D.C General via air ambulance, I think you might want to get down there as soon as you can." "I'm on my way." Scully dropped the phone onto the floor, grabbed her keys, her badge and her gun and flew out the door which slammed behind her. She ran out onto the street into the rain, not even registering that she was getting soaked through to the skin. She flung herself into her car and screamed away from the curb. The tears once more streaming down her face, and fear gripping her heart so tight she could hardly breathe. He couldn't leave her now, not like this, not the way things had been left between them. If he should die and the last thing she had done was lie to him.... No, she couldn't think that, he was still alive, he would make it, he had too. As she drove wildly towards her destination Scully prayed as hard as she could, begging her God for his life, a life more important too her than her own. ************************** March 21st 12.15am D.C General Hospital Scully barrelled through the doors of the E.R. Badge in hand she identified herself to the admitting nurse and demanded loudly to speak to which ever doctor was in charge of her partner's care. The nurse could see the Federal Agent was in no mood to be triffled with and checking for Mulder's name she paged the doctor at once. Scully paced like a caged lioness for what seemed liked the longest five minutes of her life. The instant she saw the doctor walking towards her she crossed the distance between them herself and the words tumbled from her mouth. "I'm looking for information on my partner, he was was brought in by air ambulance. His name is Fox Mulder, I'm his legal next of kin and I need to know what his condition is. I'm also his doctor so please be specific about his injuries and his prognosis." "You are?....." the doctor replied "I'm Special Agent Dana Scully, I'm Agent Mulder's partner, please just tell me how he is, the police officer who contacted me told me he was in a car accident and his condition was listed as critical." The doctor gestured to a row of plastic chairs and Scully shook her head vehemently. "Please, please just tell me what's going on." "Agent Scully, I'm Dr Tinsley, your partner suffered severe internal injuries as a result of the accident. He's currently in surgery where they are attempting to get the bleeding under control. I don't have any more details at present, but I can tell you thats he's been in surgery for only about fifteen minutes, and theres no way to tell how long it will take at present." Scully took in the Doctors sympathetic gaze, she steeled herself to ask the next question. "Dr Tinsley, did you attend to Agent Mulder when he was first admitted?" "I did, yes." "Do you expect him to make it?" There was a long pause. "Its really to soon to tell Agent Scully, we have an excellent team working on him, they will do everything they can for him. I can only guarantee you that." Scully closed her eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. "Please notify me immediately he's out of surgery, or if there is any change in his condition, I'll be waiting right here." Dr Tinsley smiled and nodded and turned to leave when Scully stopped him with her hand on his arm. "Dr Tinsley, as a professional favour, could I please see the EMT's notes and his admitting form, I am his doctor after all." "Sure Agent Scully, not a problem." Scully had to see for herself exactly what Mulder's physical condition was when he arrived. That way she would have a clearer idea what his surgeons were facing right now. As she read through the report, noting that his heart had already stopped once at the scene, the fear around her heart got tighter still. Mulder was hanging onto life right now by a very thin thread, and she was powerless to help him. She sat and waited for news, hugging herself and rocking without realising it. She was lost in her worry until she felt a strong hand upon her shoulder and looked up to see AD Skinner standing over her. "Any news?" She shook her head in abject misery, tears began to fall again, and the normally contained and professional Agent Scully crumpled into her bosses arms. Skinner was horrified to see her this way, not knowing what he should do or say to comfort her, he held her in his arms and let her cry. After a few minutes she seemed to calm alittle and he guided her back into a chair. He strode over to the admitting nurse and quietly arranged for a private waiting room so that he could talk to Scully away from prying eyes. "Scully" he said softly and motioned for her to follow him, the two of them navigated the busy hospital corridor in silence and he guided her into a dimly lit room, shutting the door behind them before he spoke. "Sir...." she began "They know where you are Scully, if theres any news they will page us." Scully nodded and sank down into a waiting chair, she was grateful her superior knew her well enough to have taken care of that concern already. "Do you know how it happened?" he began. "No, I......I hadn't gotten around to enquiring." Skinner nodded, and taking the seat next to her he told her what he had already learned from the police. "Mulder was lucky Scully. A drunk driver was on the wrong side of the road, it was dark, raining heavily and she was headed straight for him. It seems he managed to avoid hitting her head on but her vehicle clipped the rear of his car and caused it to roll several times. She plowed into a tree and was thrown through the windshield because she wasn't belted in. She was dead at the scene, her blood alcohol level has yet to be confirmed, but she was drunk." Scully nodded numbly, a drunk driver, after everything they had seen and been up against in their seven years together, she might lose him to a drunk driver, it wasn't fair. "He'll make it Scully, Mulder's a tough SOB, I know he'll pull through this somehow." "His heart stopped at the scene, they had to shock him four times before it started again." She appeared to be thinking aloud. Scully buried her head in her hands, trying to hold back her sobs. She wondered how she could possibly have any tears left to shed tonight. At a loss as to how to help her right now, Skinner simply contented himself with keeping her company. He watched as she retreated inside of herself, drawing that tough facade of hers around her like armor. He studied her quietly, compassion for her flowing through him. She was such a strong, competent woman, this agent of his. Always so professional, so independant. Such a tiny woman, and yet she could kick the ass of men twice her size. As beautiful on the inside as she was on the outside, and frighteningly intelligent to boot. He was in awe of her most of the time, she had suffered so much but she never caved. Her trust was hard won and her loyalty legendary. Mulder was lucky to have her by his side. She was completely dedicated to her partner, he knew she would die for him in a heart beat, she would protect him whatever the cost to herself might be. And he knew why she did it, because she loved him more than life itself. Which was exactly how Mulder loved her. He wondered if they would ever give in and acknowledge it to themselves. He wondered how they could think they were fooling anyone, if you had eyes, you could watch them together and simply see it for yourself. He sat with her and they waited, he sent a prayer heaven wards to join hers. Don't take my friend he prayed, dear God don't let it end for them like this. ************************** Scully heard the doctor's voice as though it was coming from far away. Her brain struggling to make sense of the mans words. ".....he's stable for the time being, but he's in a coma. It will be touch and go for the rest of the night, but we're optimistic and he's definately holding his own right now." He was still alive, she needed to be with him. "I need to see him." "Scully, maybe you should go home and try and get some rest." He didn't know why he had said that Skinner thought, he knew she would never leave. She shot him an incredulous look and then turned her attention back to the doctor. "I need to see him." she repeated. *************************** March 21st 04.00am ICU D.C General Hospital As she walked over to the bed where his pale form lay, images of a performing this same act in a hundred other locations played across her mind. Standing close to the head of the bed she studied his face. He had dark purple bruises across his forehead and his left eye. More bruises along the left side of his jaw and an ugly gash disappeared into his hair. She curled herself into the chair by his bed and took his hand in hers, she cradled it and brought it to her face to kiss his fingertips. She watched his chest rise and fall steadily, a ritual she had developed in the seven years of their partnership. It comforted her, this evidence that he still lived. Studying the monitors they had him hooked up too, she noted his vital signs were indeed holding steady. There was every sign that the surgery to stop his internal bleeding had been sucessful. Hes strong, and healthy, she thought, he will recover. Once he woke up, she would make him see their partnership would survive their mistake. Somehow they would put this fight behind them and carry on the way they always had in the past. "I won't let you go." she murmured to him, kissing his fingers again. Scully placed his hand back down upon the bed and still holding it tightly she laid her head next to their hands. She was weary beyond belief and now that the immediate danger was over, her body was giving into its desire for sleep. That was how Skinner found them when he came to check on Mulder thirty minutes later. Scully curled up in the chair asleep, her head on the bed beside their joined hands. He wanted her to go home and rest properly, but he also knew he didn't stand a snowballs chance in hell of getting her to leave Mulder's side until his condition improved. So instead he took his trenchcoat off and draped it over her, backing quietly away. He decided to head for home himself, there was nothing more to be done for either of them tonight. ********************* March 21st 08.00am ICU D.C General Hospital "What does his chart say Frohike?" "Says hes stable, keep your voice down Langly, you'll wake Scully." "Maybe we should leave them alone, hes out of immediate danger, thats what we came to find out." Byers looked at his two cohorts, to find them shaking theirs heads. "No way man, Scully needs to go home and shower and stuff, we'll stay with him until she gets back. Cause you know she won't leave him alone, not until hes concious, she never does." At first Scully thought she was dreaming the voices, but as her mind shook off the thick fog of sleep, the events of the last twelve hours came flooding back. She sat up with such a sudden movement all three of the Lone Gunmen took a step back. "Mulder...." she said, and scanned the monitors quickly with her doctors expertise. He was still holding his own, but still in a coma. Suddenly aware that the Gunmen were starring at her, she left go of Mulder's hand and stood up. She was stiff and sore all over, her eyes puffy from all the crying of the night before. "Hes going to be fine Scully." Frohike came to her side and wrapped his arm around her, a move she would normally have brushed off. This time she allowed him to comfort her, of Mulder's other friends, she knew Frohike was the one who loved him most. The older man adored Mulder, and she instinctively knew the move was because he needed comfort, as much as it was for her. "We'll stay with him Scully, go home and change, get some rest. I promise we won't go anywhere until you get back, and I'll call you if he comes around." Scully looked at Byers and then nodded gratefully, she picked up the trenchcoat that had been her blanket and handed it to him. "When Skinner stops by, return this to him for me, tell him I said thankyou. Any change, I mean it you three, any change and you call me." There was a chorus of 'we promise', and Scully turned to look at Mulder a last time before she left. Not caring that she was being watched, she brushed his chestnut hair back off of his forehead and placed a kiss there. "I'll be back soon, don't go anywhere." she told him softly. Then before she could start crying again, she left without a backwards glance. **************************** It was dark, this place where he was, dark and unfamiliar. He knew he was alone, he knew she wasn't here with him, and he didn't want her to be. He never wanted to see her again, 'liar' his heart screamed, she is the only thing you want to see. Her face was suddenly the only thing he could see, and rage took ahold of him. She was telling him she didn't love him, she was telling him they could never be together that way. She was telling him that loving him had been a mistake, that she never wanted to make love to him again. She was pulling away from him, his love wasn't what she needed, or wanted, he had always known she would leave him someday. Well she wouldn't get the chance, he would leave her first. For once he would not be the one abandoned, he would make her feel that pain instead. He would stay right here, wherever here was, it was warm and it was dark and he was alone. He wouldn't need his sanity here, he could allow himself to go quietly mad. **************************** 09.00am Dana Scully's Apartment Georgetown, Virginia She picked up the phone from the floor where she had dropped it the night before and replaced it in its cradle. She took her cell phone into the bathroom with her so that she would still hear it if it rang whilst she showered. Once the hot water was exhausted she returned to her bedroom and dressed again, intending to head straight back to the hospital. She looked longingly at her bed and then shook off her fatigue. She had to be there when Mulder woke up, if it was at all possible, she had to be there. Just as she always was, to smile at him and let him know that everything was going to be alright. If she wasn't there this time, it might do further damage to the fabric of their relationship, and she feared it was in tatters already. She had caused enough damage to potentially destroy them, she had to do everything right now. She had to put them back the way they were, show him that it would all be fine if they just ignored what had transpired between them. Memories of his hands exploring her body, his mouth tracing soft, wet kisses down her neck and his voice low and throaty with desire, whispering to her how much her needed her, how much he loved her. She shook her head violently to shut off the cascade of images assaulting her. She had made her decision, she knew what she had to do. Scully grabbed her car keys and phone and left the scene of the crime before her resolve could be weakened by her heart. She just had to be there when he woke up, and he would soon see everything would be fine. **************************** 11.00pm ICU D.C. General Hospital She had been sat by his bedside for over ten hours now. His doctor's were pleased with his progress. His vital signs were strong, his internal bleeding had been stopped by the surgery, and had not reoccurred. Everything pointed to him making a complete recovery, except one thing, he was still in a coma, and so they had scheduled an MRI to check his brain for injury. There was nothing she could do to help him, they told her to go home and return in the morning. Scully felt uneasy, and so far she could not convince herself to leave. She held his hand and spoke to him softly, telling him that she was sorry for hurting him, that he would understand it was for the best. She knew she should return home and get some rest, but she was afraid he might awaken and she wouldn't be there. So she stayed put, and curling herself up once more in the chair beside his bed, she prepared to spend another night in silent vigal. ************************* It really wasn't so bad he decided, this place, it was actually peaceful here. And it was quiet most of the time, except when he heard her voice. Damn that voice, couldn't she just shut up and leave him the hell alone. He liked it here, why did she have to ruin his peace by talking anyway. He had tried everything he could think of to block out the sound of her, but somehow her voice still found him and he was tired of hearing it. He didn't want to know she was sorry, what did he care that she wanted things to be the way they were before. He had 'loved' her for Gods sake. After loving her silently for seven god damned years, he had finally 'loved' her. Joined his body to hers, been one with her and it had been the shining moment of his life this far. He thought it had been perfect, she was everything he dreamed she'd be. Every fantasy he had ever had about her had been blown away in the light of the reality of her, of them. He had felt such joy in their union, he had finally felt whole, healed, reborn. It was a new beginning for them he thought, the natural progression of their relationship. It was time for them to metamorphasise from what they had been, into what they should be. He had believed it with all his heart, he had thought she did too. But looking back, she had never said she loved him, he hadn't realised at the time. He had seen it in her eyes though, or had he, he wasn't sure about that now, he only knew he'd been happy. Until she destroyed him with her regret, her denial, her rejection. She might just aswell taken his gun and put a bullet through his brain. So hadn't she done enough already, now she had to hound him here, where he was finding some peace. He yelled at her voice in the darkness, 'leave me the fuck alone Scully'. Still her words found him, 'I'm sorry, its better this way, I'll make you see that. Your my best friend Mulder, I'm here Mulder...' On and on she went, shut up, just shut up. He saw a light in the darkness suddenly, he made a mental move towards it and her voice grew fainter. This is good he thought, move into the light and I won't hear her anymore. He let himself drift away from the sound of her voice, the light was warm too, she was growing distant, he could hardly hear her now...... ************************** Scully's head lay on the bed next to Mulder's hand, she was still talking to him softly, trying to reassure him when every monitor he was hooked up too began to shrill an alarm. As she watched in horror his heart rate monitor flatlined and as she screamed for help, she knew she could feel him slipping away. ************************** The light was gone suddenly, all was dark again and quiet. He was confused, he had been in the light and now it was gone. He waited to see if the light would return, but there was nothing but the darkness. He would stay here then, here in the dark, he would hide here until insanity claimed his mind, maybe that had already happened. He didn't think so, but then here he was thinking and he had no idea where he was, why the light had gone away or what had made her voice finally leave him the hell alone. It was easier to stay numb here he thought, he had more time this way, time for what he didn't know, but time none the less. Damn it he could hear her again, what the hell did she want now? ************************ She watched the heart monitor, some irrational part of her afraid that if she took her eyes off of it he would flatline again. There was no reason why his heart had stopped. She along with his doctor's here had no clear idea why it had happened. She could hear a whisper in her subconcious mind trying to tell her something, trying to get her concious attention. She was afraid to hear what this part of her knew, it couldn't be a reason, it wasn't the reason. She cleared her mind and focused on Mulder, trying to will him into opening his eyes and saying 'I had you BIG TIME', with his little boys grin on his handsome face. "Mulder.......you scared me really good there. Please don't do that again, please Mulder, don't do that again." Eventually she fell asleep, her head on his hand, and dreams of the two of them making love in her bed carried her through the night. ************************ He'd scared her had he? Part of him was sorry for that, he never wanted to hurt her, or scare her, just love her, protect her. It was a small part of him right now, he was trying to stay numb, when that didn't work and he started to feel pain he grabbed onto anger instead and focused it on her voice. It seemed to be working because her voice was quiet now, he was alone in his dark warm place. His mind was tired, strange but he couldn't feel his body, oh well, he would just give his mind over to the darkness for awhile, he didn't need it anyway. ************************ March 22nd 3.00pm ICU D.C General Hospital AD Skinner paced up and down in the small corridor outside of Mulder's room. He was feeling completely helpless and that was always a feeling he loathed. Scully was discussing the results of Mulder's MRI with his doctor's and he was waiting for her to come and explain it to him in language he could understand. He could see Mulder's comatose form through the window and wondered how many times he had visited Mulder in one hospital or the other. He was sick of visiting these two in these places. It was better than visiting either one of them in the morgue, but he feared that eventually that was where one of them would end up. 'Better not happen yet Mulder' he thought, better not happen ever. He heard Scully's distinctive footfalls behind him, and turned away from the window to hear the news. "Well, what are they saying?" he knew he sounded impatient, he just hated this, the waiting. "Well its good news actually" she said with a small smile. "The MRI shows absolutely no indication of brain injury. We still don't know what caused Mulder to flatline last night, but his EKG has been steady ever since so they believe it was some kind of delayed shock." Skinner raised a skeptical eyebrow, "delayed shock, thats the best explaination they have?" "Well it is possible, Mulder's heart could have experienced a strange after effect to having been restarted at the scene of the accident. Or it could have been an allergic reaction to one of the pain killing drugs they have him on. I mean hes never reacted to any of them before, but that can't be ruled out yet. So I've had them change the prescription to be safe anyway." "So why hasn't he woken up yet if there are no signs of head trama?" Scully looked at her shoes and then slowly raised her gaze to meet his. When she met his eyes with hers he could see the apprehension in them, he also saw fear and what looked like guilt. 'Guilt', thats odd, none of this is Scully's fault. He waited patiently for her to answer him, when she said nothing, he prompted her. "Scully?" "They don't know.......he should have regained conciousness by now, and they just don't know why he hasn't." "So what can we do?" Scully looked down at her shoes again. "For the moment, we wait" she said. "I'll stay with you for awhile, if thats okay?" Scully smiled at him, "I'd like that." The two of them made their way back into Mulder's room and Skinner pulled another chair alongside of the one Scully was using. The two of them sat silently, each lost in their own thoughts and waited. ************************* It was still dark and quiet, so quiet, if he did nothing to disturb the peace, maybe the pain wouldn't find him. Her voice hadn't returned to torment him again yet, he was glad of that. Hearing her voice just brought the pain closer to him, it made him long for the light to return so that he could escape her. 'There is no escaping her' his heart told him, he knew his heart was right. He had tried for so long, and so hard not to love her, not to need her. It had always been a lost cause, he had known that somehow. He had been lost to her so long ago, the second he had heard that message and known something bad had happened to her. The months that had followed her abduction, the torture he had gone through. He had all but stopped sleeping trying to escape the dreams. He had shut down emotionally, professionally, there had been absolutely no point to anything without her. The pain welled up in him. The hope that one day she would love him the way he loved her had been what he existed for, and now that hope was gone. If you don't have any hope left, what is there left to live for? He knew the answer, and it was a big, fat, NOTHING! Mulder allowed the pain to wash through his mind. Seeing as he didn't know where he was, maybe the pain would kill him and save him the trouble. As he tortured himself with seven years worth of memories, he hoped it would be enough to send his sanity screaming into the darkness forever. *************************** Midnight ICU D.C General Hospital "Dana" Scully had been dozing in the chair and jumped at the sound of her mother's voice. "Mom, what are you doing here?" "Checking in on you, and Fox. How is he Dana?" Maggie Scully watched as her daughter's face clouded with emotion, so many even Maggie couldn't read them all. "Hes in a coma Mom, hes been in a coma for the last 48 hours, and he had servere internal injuries which he underwent surgery for when they first brought him in. Hes stable, thats about all I can tell you." "So hes going to be alright then?" "I hope so Mom, I hope hes going to make it." Maggie took the seat next to her daughter and pulled her close, wrapping her in a hug. She could feel her daughter was wound as tight as a spring, and she hoped she could convince her to come home with her and get some much needed rest. Scully relished the warmth and comfort of her mother's embrace, Mom could always make her feel better. The only thing better than her mother's hugs were Mulder's. As she thought this she could feel the sting of tears again, and she struggled against them, but she was so tired and afraid. "How did you know about the accident Mom?" "Your boss, Mr Skinner, called me this afternoon. I was surprised you hadn't called me yourself Dana. I've been trying to reach you at home all evening, finally I decided I knew you were here and so I came." "I'm sorry Mom, its been a really long two days, its been touch and go and I really haven't thought about anything other than Mulder." "You've been here virtually all the time." It was a statement of fact and not a question. Maggie Scully knew her daughter, she knew how her daughter felt about her partner. Just as she had known for the last six years that Fox Mulder was in love with Dana. You'd have to be both blind and stupid not to know. Maggie watched as Dana gently ran her fingers through Fox's hair, her other hand running softly up and down his arm. Concern, tenderness and love for him radiated out of Dana towards the unconcious man, yet when her daughter looked her in the eyes once more, Maggie saw panic and desperation there. "What is it Dana, what's bothering you?" Scully felt the dam she had constructed around her emotions break, and this time the sting of tears became a flow of them silently down her face. She knew she had cried more in the last two days than in the last two years. She took a deep breath and decided to tell her mother everything. She had to tell someone what had happened before the accident, she opened her mouth to speak and it all came pouring out. "We fought Mom, we fought just a couple of hours before his car accident. Not just one of our usual disagreements about work, we fought about 'us'." "We made a mistake Mom, we crossed the line and we made love, and it was wrong, stupid. I tried to tell him that, I wanted everything to go back to the way it was and he said he couldn't do that." "I lied to him Mom, he stood there asking me how I could deny how we feel about each other and I lied to him and told him I didn't love him. He looked at me like I had just shot him through the chest and then I kicked him out." "If he dies now Mom, that will be the last thing I ever said to him, and I'm so afraid he will. I know as a doctor that hes in a stable condition and he should wake up anytime now. In fact he should be concious already. But as his friend Mom, as someone who knows him.........well...., better than anyone, I can feel that something isn't right. It feels like hes slipping away little by little and I can't reach him to bring him back, no matter how hard I try." "Why did you lie to him Dana, why couldn't you tell him that you love him?" Scully looked into her mothers beloved face, there was no judgement there, only her mothers endless love for her child and a desire to understand. "Because I'm afraid. I'm afraid to love him Mom, our relationship is so complicated. Its such a fine balance, I'm afraid things would change. Afraid our partnership wouldn't work if there wasn't any distance between us. I'm afraid of losing him, I don't know how I would live without him." Maggie sighed, they were indeed a pair of highly complex individuals. Why couldn't they see that the fact that they loved each other, didn't need to be complicated. It was just a fact, it just was, and they should just let it 'be'. "Dana" she began, but Scully interupted her. "Mom you don't understand. Mulder will never give up searching, his work is his life and I've always understood that. I've always been able to act as his counterbalance, I give him something to put his back up against. If I lose myself in him and stop being able to do that for him, how long do you think if will be before he goes off the deep end. I had to lie to him Mom, if he knew I loved him as much as I know now that he loves me..... Mulder would never let me get away, and it could destroy everything." Maggie raised her hand to stop Scully from continuing. "Dana, listen to me and let me finish. And when I do I want you to go home, and sleep and think long and hard about what I have told you." "Mom......" "Just listen Dana, shut up and listen." Scully nodded, when her mother got like this there was no point in arguing. "Fox Mulder is many things Dana, brilliant, driven, obsessive, passionate, heroic, determined, the list goes on and on. But most of all he is a 'man' Dana, a man very much in love. I know your work is very important, to both of you. I don't pretend to understand much of what you do, but if you truly believe that his work is his life, then you need to open your eyes and your heart, because you aren't seeing him clearly at all. It may have been true once Dana, when the two of you were first partnered together, but it hasn't been true for a long time now. It matters to him, of course it does and hes naturally obsessive about the things he does. He does everything with a whole heart Dana, Fox is just not a wishy washy sort of person." Scully smiled alittle at her mother's assessment of her partner's character. Maggie smiled back at her before she continued. "I also know you Dana Katherine, I know how much you need to feel in control of your world. So I understand why the thought of loving a man like Fox might scare you. Such passion is a rare thing, and to know it would all be focused on you, I can see how you would feel intimidated. But you are not giving yourself or Fox much credit. He loves you for who you are, the last thing he would ever want from you is for you to change for him. You wouldn't get lost Dana, you would be found." "I don't understand......" "Dana, I you don't lose yourself when you love someone. You find yourself, you find out all the things about yourself that you never knew. You see yourself through anothers eyes and you grow from that. When I met your father Dana, I became the person I was always supposed to be. We each became better for having been loved by the other one, we became more together than we could ever have been apart. Thats what makes love the most important thing in the world, why everyone needs it to survive. Without it Dana, eventually even the strongest person will wither and die." Scully sat in silence and tried to understand everything her mother was telling her. She wasn't sure what to believe, she was so tired, and the uneasy feeling she had that Mulder was slipping away from her persisted. Maggie saw the defeated slump of her daughter's shoulders and reached out to push Scully's hair back off of her face. When Scully met her eyes she said very quietly.... "Dana, I want you to go home and sleep. I will stay with Fox tonight, I won't let him be alone okay. I want you to sleep on what I've told you, because its the truth Dana, and its about time you understood that." "I can't let you do that Mom, I'll be fine really." "Its not open for discussion Dana. I'll be with him until you get back in the morning, because I know its the only way to get you to leave. But you are going Dana, no arguments." Scully nodded finally, she would feel okay going home to sleep if her mother stayed with Mulder. It was crazy, but she felt if he was left alone he would somehow slip beyond her reach forever. She wasn't up to questioning this wierd feeling, for once she would just act on instinct and go with it. "I'll be back first thing in the morning Mom, thank you for doing this. I just can't let him be alone, I don't know why." "Think about what I've said Dana okay, you need to let it in." *************************** March 23rd 02.00am ICU D.C General Hospital Maggie Scully sat nursing a cup of coffee and silently observing the man in the bed next to her. Reflecting back on her years of knowing him, made her smile. He was an unusual man Fox Mulder, a very dear man. Although she didn't know him aswell as she would like, he had been a source of great comfort too her many times since her daughter had been partnered with him. During Dana's abduction, she had witnessed how he had fallen apart, and yet remained determined to find Dana. Even when she had been ready to accept the fact that Dana was probably gone for good, he would not entertain that idea. It had been obvious to her then that Fox cared a great deal for Dana. She had realised it went beyond caring and into love when Dana had been returned. He had come charging into the room, and the look upon his face when he saw her laying there in that bed, had told Maggie all she needed to know. His subsequent outburst, which had necessitated his removal from the ward by hospital security had been further evidence to support her conclusion. Fox Mulder loved her daughter beyond all reason, there was nothing he wouldn't do for her. She had begun then to study Dana's actions more closely. As any mother would, she wanted to know if Dana felt the same way about him. She watched as her daughter defended him, went to jail for him. Lied for him, followed him up hill and down dale, tirelessly working to help him anyway she could. She knew if she asked Dana, she would have a rational explaination for every irrational action. Maggie knew better, Dana had it as bad for Fox as he had it for her. Now, five years since she first suspected, she was still watching, and waiting for them to move their relationship forward. They were as good as married anyhow, lived in a world consisting of the two of them, excluding others except when necessary. Maggie had hinted but never pushed Dana about it, and tonight was the first time she had openly told her daughter what she thought. 'I hope I'm not too late' she decided, 'if any two people deserve some happiness its these two.' Maggie placed her coffee on the bedside stand and took Mulder's large hand in her smaller one. It was time she told him a thing or two aswell. **************************** There was no way to assess the passage of time here he decided. It was beginning to feel like he had been here an eternity, he was feeling confused. He knew he couldn't return to his life, he had that option, he knew that. Let go of the darkness and he would find himself back in his life, what there was left of it. Some option, no thanks, he liked it better here. Option number two, will the light to return and escape his former life forever. He had that power, he had come to realise this now. Option number three, he could stay here and never move. Not return to his life, not move over into the light. What was confusing him, was why he couldn't quite bring himself to leave, get it over with and go already. Something was holding him here, was it his anger at her? Was it guilt or self recrimination? Was it something left unfinished? Was it love? He didn't know, he couldn't sort it out anymore. Maybe he had finally lost his mind. He wanted to go, escape into the warm white light, why couldn't he let himself. She deserves to be abandoned he thought, so why couldn't he do it? A voice was talking to him again, a womans, but it wasn't her. He listened more carefully, glad of the distraction, he knew the voice, he was sure he did. *************************** "Fox.....Fox I believe you can hear me. Its Maggie, Fox, and I want you to listen to me. Its important that you listen to me okay, because you need to decide to come back. No matter how much you want to stay where you are, no matter how much you might want to leave it all behind right now. You need to come back Fox, you are needed here." Maggie held his hand tightly, squeezing it, hoping he would feel it and respond. "I know you love Dana, Fox. I've known for so long, and I've waited for you two to acknowledge how you feel. She didn't mean it Fox, when she told you she didn't feel the same way about you that you feel about her, it was a lie." "You should know that she's afraid, afraid of what she feels, and afraid of losing you. So hang on Fox, please, for her sake and yours, decide to come back. Its not time to go Fox, its just not time." Maggie leaned over and brushed a soft kiss on his cheek, he looks so young she thought. Young and strong, and alive. Leaning back in the uncomfortable plastic chair, she continued the vigal in her daughter's place. ****************************** Maggie, he knew a Maggie, yes he knew he did, but her relationship to him wouldn't come into focus in his mind. He liked what she was telling him though, although he didn't believe it for a second. No one needed him, no one loved him, not anymore. He had no father, no sister, his mother had recently left him too. There was no one else, because 'she' had made it perfectly clear to him that loving him was out of the question. He thought back to recent events, his mother taking her own life and him not getting the chance to say goodbye. He had turned to her, for comfort and she had been so totally there for him. She had been truthful with him, held him all night whilst he cried. She had been his rock, no, not his rock, his touchstone, always his touchstone. And yet after everything they had been to each other, she now didn't want him. His friendship yes, but not the curse of his love. This Maggie was wrong, she wanted to trick him into leaving this place. Into returning to his life, to appease 'her' conscience. He once more raised his voice to the darkness "it won't work Scully, can you hear me, it won't work." She would get no absolution from him, and that was that. He would let her live with what she had done to him. When he figured out what it was that was holding him here, he would deal with it and then into the bright white light he would go. ***************************** March 23rd 02.00am Dana Scully's Apartment Georgetown, Virginia Crawling into her bed for the first time since the night she had spent here with Mulder, the first thing she noticed was that her entire bed smelt like him. Sweet Jesus, her pillows, her comforter, it was all marked with his wonderful, comforting smell. The smell that always made her feel safe, at home, and aroused all at the same time. She hugged the pillow that he had used to her chest as if it was him she cradled in her arms. The little voice inside her that had been trying valiantly to get her attention, was on the cusp of her concious mind, almost within reach and dancing there. Her mother's words were ringing loud and clear in her head, and Scully decided she was just too exhausted to consider the validity of her mother's assertions. She missed Mulder so acutely in this moment. He felt farther away from her right now than ever before since they met. Closing her eyes she drifted into a troubled sleep. "You are so beautiful" he told her, "Scully you take my breath away sometimes, and it hurts to look at you." "Kiss me then" she countered and he lowered his perfect mouth to devour hers. She opened her mouth too him and his tongue rushed inside to explore, she knew he was learning her. Commiting every small detail of her mouth to his memory, she concentrated on doing the same to his. Skilled hands explored her body reverently, he was worshipping her. His mouth followed everywhere his hands led, and her skin was glowing and tingling in the wake of his exploration. His skin was smooth and taut over his muscles, which rippled under her hands as he moved. She tangled her hands in his soft, thick hair, delighting in freely being able to do this and not requiring a 'medical' excuse to indulge herself. Oh how she loved his hair, the colour and texture, the feel of it under her fingers. She watched him as he loved her, if he thought her beautiful, he was just the same to her. Tall and lean and graceful in his athletes body. Broad shoulders and tapered waist, flat stomach and perfect pecs. Arms not too muscular, but strong with large hands and long fingers. Generously endowed and just dusted with the right amount of body hair in all the right places and none of the wrong ones. He was an Adonis to her, crafted just with her in mind and best of all a face so unique and perfect he made her want to cry with desire. His mercurial eyes that changed colour with his mood, from hazel to grey, or green and gold. Eyes you could drown in, get lost in, be hypnotized by. Eyes that had seen such horror and loss, and yet could still turn innocent and puppy dogged in the passing of a second. Eyes that held all his love for her openly, displayed for her to see now, as if he saw only her, and would only see her forever. There wasn't a single thing about his face that didn't attract her. In fact she knew she could look at it forever and be endlessly enthralled. She had a catalog of his expressions in her memory, from his shy grins, to his wide toothy smiles. His little boys pout that rendered him impossibly cute, to his patented 'Mulderleer' as she had nicknamed it. She had seen them all, happy faces, sad faces, simmering anger and gut wrenching grief. His current expression would always be her favourite though, lust and love and adoration, mixed in with alittle disbelief and only worn for her. An inferno of heat was building inside her, he was the cause of it all, igniting her body wherever he touched her. Sensation after sensation ripped through her as his tongue worked magic between the juncture of her thighs. It had never been this way before for her. Stripped of her mask of control and professionalism, turned into a creature of feeling, acting on instinct and allowing the sensual woman inside to take free reign over her body. As she soared higher and higher on her journey to release, he knew without asking exactly what she needed and wanted him to do. Finally his name erupted out of her in a hoarse scream as her orgasm made her entire body convulse with pleasure. It was at this moment that he joined his body to hers for the first time, and her pleasure was only prolonged by the amazing feeling of him moving within her. "There is nothing better than this" he whispered to her, she saw the dampness in those eyes as he thrust into her hard. "No nothing" she heard herself answer. "If I could, I would stay here, right here always." "As would I" she says. He moved faster and harder and she was with him every step of the dance. It was joyeous, their union, she didn't know it could be like this. This was 'making love', the term suddenly meant something to her as it never had before. He was close to his own release, his body tense and his muscles hard beneath her hands. She knew she would come again with him, just from seeing his face wracked with pleasure and fulfillment. He cryed out her name as his seed flowed into her, and as he dropped his head into the curve of her neck, he told her over and over "I love you Scully". She heard him as she came back to her senses and she stroked his back and held him to her. A flash of light and a screech of tires and the sounds of glass breaking and metal crumpling. She is not in her bed, but standing in the rain and watching his car roll over and over. The body she had just been embracing being broken and torn up inside. She cannot move as she witnesses the scene. The jerks of his body as the dedicated EMT's struggle to restart his heart. The chopper arriving and leaving with him, hanging onto life with a tenuous cord. Then she is alone in the rain, cold and soaked and fearful. The little voice she has been sensing for awhile is the only thing she is concious of now. It talks to her in hushed tones, it doesn't wish to scare her but it must be heard. Straining to hear she concentrates every scrap of attention she can on the voice, needing to know what it is saying. "You cannot reach him with a lie Dana" it tells her, "you will only ever reach him with the truth. Hurry Dana, there is not much time......." "Mulder...." she sits up in her bed, still holding tightly to her scented pillow. Its all so clear now, her mother was right, Mulder was right, didn't he tell her once 'to live the lie, you have to believe it...', she doesn't have time for any more lies, or denial between them. To reach him now, she has to go armed with the truth. ************************************ 07.30am ICU D.C General Hospital As her daughter comes careening into the room Maggie Scully looks up with a small smile. Dana still doesn't look rested, but Maggie is an expert at reading the subtle nuances of her daughter's body language. Dana has accepted what she told her last night, and she is anxious to tell her partner what he needs to hear. Maggie says nothing until Scully has read his updated charts and scanned every monitor for signs of change, for good or bad in his condition. "Tell him honey." is all she says as she stands to leave, pulling Scully to her and hugging her firmly. "Thank you Mom......thank you staying with him, thanks for...." "I know Dana.....its Fox who needs to hear it now." Scully nods and then doesn't notice her mother leave the room as all her attention focuses on the man in the bed. No matter what his charts say, no matter that physically he is getting better, she knows his mind is drifting away. Without the mind the body cannot survive, it is up to her now to bring him home. ********************************** He thinks he might have found the answer to his question. It isn't as dark in this place as he had thought it was. Something in the peripheral of his vision is blinking. Something small, and bright, that gives off a luminescent glow. It is this thing, he has decided, which is anchoring him to this place, despite his decision to bring back the light and get the hell outta Dodge. So whatever this thing is, it stands to reason that if he destroys it, he can leave. He has been trying to move closer to it, but as he seems to have no body, he can only make the move in his mind, and everytime he gets close it slips away from him. He is definately getting closer though, this time he thinks if he tries really hard, he might just make it and grasp ahold of its annoying brightness before he smashes it to pieces. He wants to get to it before her voice returns. He knows she will be back, she always comes back. He must get out of here before she does, or she may move this blinking thing farther away. "Mulder......Mulder its me.." 'Fuck'....he knew it, and hes so close to seeing what this thing is. "Mulder I'm so sorry....." Like he needs to hear this shit again. 'Leave me alone, leave me the fuck alone already.' Thats it, hes there, he can see this glowing thing now, he can reach out and pick it up with hands he can neither see nor feel, but he has it. What the hell is it? "Mulder, I know that you can hear me. I know you don't want to hear me." 'Yeah well she got that right, she always was brilliant'. "I lied to you Mulder, I lied to myself. I want you to know that what I'm telling you now is the truth Mulder. I know you will recognise that, I owe you the truth, nothing else matters." 'She wouldn't know what the truth was if it whacked her upside the head.' "I do love you Mulder. I need you. I was afraid, I still am, but that doesn't matter. All that matters is that I want a second chance. I want us to try. I want exactly what you want, for us to be together, always, in every way." Oh my God, this glowing thing. This thing thats been anchoring him here, he can see what it is. As he hears her words it comes into focus in his mind. Its something he had thought was lost, yet he now sees a shred of it remains, fragile and yet strong enough to hold him to the darkness. This little bright thing is 'HOPE', like the last thing left in Pandora's Box, so it has remained here in some corner of himself. "I'm home when we're together Mulder, please believe me, believe that I love you, don't leave me alone Mulder. Please don't leave me alone." Its amazing to watch, this tiny glowing thing is getting bigger. Its growing right in front of him, inspite of himself, it grows larger and stronger. He isn't feeding it, but somehow she is, remarkable. "Don't believe the lie Mulder, the lie I told you. If you believe it, we will both be lost forever. Mulder please........" and then she did it.... "Trust me." Suddenly this place where he is isn't dark at all. Everything is glowing now. He sees colour, beautiful swirling patterns of light, pulsing and twirling, its so incredible, she did it with two words, 'trust me'. It comes down to a matter of trust, hope had somehow kept him here, and trust is going to drag him back to his life. Trust in her, because he does, he always has, even when he didn't know why, trusting her is instinctual. He takes a last look at the colours, there is no more darkness, no more desire in him for escape to the white light. There is only one option open to him now, and so..... He opens his eyes. ******************************* Her truth told, she sits and holds his hand in both of hers. She rests her head on his chest, and listens to his heart beating. The warmth of his body heats up her cold face, and she closes her eyes, and feels him breathing. As his eyes adjust to the stark light in the hospital room, he becomes aware of her body next to his. A glance downwards reveals a familiar sight, that of her red tresses beneath his chin. He smiles to himself for just a moment, all his anger towards her, all his numbness, every negative feeling gone from within. Wiped away by a simple truth, she loves him, he loves her. "Scully" Did she imagine that? She sits up and feels the smile break across her face as wide as the horizon, as bright as the sun. "Hi" she manages to say. He smiles at her, his beautiful eyes conveying understanding. "Forgive me" she begs "Love me" he answers. ********************************* April 2nd 6.00pm Dana Scully's Apartment Georgetown, Virginia. He eases himself down onto the couch carefully. He has only been up and out of bed for the last day and a half and his body feels foreign to him. His bruises are healing, as are his broken ribs and his surgical scar. His doctors are extremely pleased with his progress and considering he was at death's door only thirteen days ago, he could be feeling alot worse. They moved him out of ICU the same day he regained conciousness, and if he could have he would have left the hospital entirely. Having her for a partner keeps him from doing anything so foolish and since she asked him to stay with her whilst he recovers, hes happy. Hes more than happy, hes euphoric in fact. His Scully loves him, shows him she loves him, tells him she loves him. Although his body is still healing, he knows the wounds in his psyche and in his soul are merely faded scars now. Badges of honor, for all he has endured, and survived. "Mulder, are you hungry?" She plonks herself down next to him and helps him ease his leather jacket off of his shoulders. She throws in over the back of the sofa and looks at him expectantly. "I'm hungry for more than food." he says playfully. "Yeah I'll bet. Mulder you just got out of the hospital after a near fatal car accident I might add and your horny?" "And this surprises you because....?" She laughs at him and gently wraps her arms around his waist. "Your impossible." "I'm adorable." "You want pizza or chinese?" "I want you." "If you eat, I might figure out how you can have me for dessert, without injuring any part of yourself in the process." "You want anchovies on that pizza Scully?" *************************************** 10.13pm Dana Scully's Apartment Georgetown, Virginia. "Let me do it." "I'm not a total cripple Scully." "Let me do it Mulder." He sighs, enjoying the banter and lies back on the pillows whilst she undresses him. He doesn't really mind one bit if she likes removing his clothes, in fact this is one of his fantasies of old if he remembers correctly. Her small skillful hands finish with the buttons on his shirt, and with his torso now bared to her she sits straddling his thighs and runs her hands up and down over his chest. She delights in his warm, smooth skin. The fresh scar on his lower abdomen is still an angry red line, but it is healing beautifully. She bends and drops a line of gentle kisses along the length of it. Its a precious scar this one, reminding her not to waste anymore time trying not to love him. She could never not love him she thinks, as difficult as he can be, as crazy as he sometimes is. Every quirk, every annoying habit, its all a part of a package she finds irresistable. She was born to love him, she knows this now. Just as he was born to love her. "Penny for them." She must have been starring off into space she realises. Kissing her way up his body until she reaches his mouth, she deposits a firm kiss on his lips before she answers him. "I was thinking I was born to love you." His face breaks into a smile of pure happiness. Happy is such a good look on him she thinks. One he should definately wear more often. Another kiss on his mouth deepens suddenly as his tongue snakes out and asks for permission to enter her mouth. She grants it greedily and finds herself moaning into his mouth as his confident onslaught ignites sparks of passion within her. They spend minutes like this, kissing each other senseless as she kneels over his chest. Finally he pushes her up. "Lets get naked Scully." "Me first Mulder, you can just relax and watch." she replies with a generous amount of mischief in her cerulean eyes. Shes trying to kill me he thinks. His groin is already throbbing and his erection is loudly begging him to release it from its denim prison. She climbs off of him and then off of the bed. She moves to her dresser and lights two candles there before she plunges the room into candle lit darkness. Crossing back over to stand at the foot of the bed, she tugs her sweater over her head swiftly and then slows her pace, unbuttoning the fly of her jeans in contrived slow motion. His injured body is beginning to feel no pain. The desire for her sweeping through him is washing it away. Its so hot in here, he longs to be free of his clothes too, but he dare not make any move to remove them himself. She would yell at him. So he remains still, fixated on her as she lowers her jeans to the floor and reaches behind her back to unhook the clasp of her pale blue satin bra. She brings it out to the side of her body, holding it up dramatically in her left hand, before she drops it to join her other clothes. Naked apart from the white cotton panties, she moves to within reach of his hand and stands there with her legs parted. Looking down at him with her arousal obvious she smiles softly. "Touch them." Confusion crosses his face. "The panties Mulder, touch them, feel what you do to me." Oh God, he reaches his hand out and runs his fingers down across the front of them before he reaches out further and his fingers meet sodden fabric. She is so wet for him that they are soaked through. Jesus, Mary mother of God. For seven years he has wanted to affect her this way. He feels his erection twitch, his clothes more confining by the second. "Can you feel how much I want you?" she needs him to know beyond any questionning how he makes her yearn for him. Turns her on so quickly she can think of nothing but him. He smiles his happy smile again, taking her hand now and guiding it to the bulge in his jeans, rubbing her hand along his length. "As badly as I want you too." Scully nods her head and quickly sheds her last remaining item of clothing. She straddles his thighs again and slowly eases his shirt off of one arm and then the other. She undoes his belt and the button fly of his jeans, sliding her hand along the length of him again, just to hear him moan. "Lift your hips Mulder." "Anything for you." She tugs his jeans down his legs and off, then repeats the process with his boxers. He is wearing only socks now, she removes these slowly, and its torturing him. "Sculleeeeee" "Just lie still Mulder, let me do all the work okay. I want this as much as you do, but in your current physical condition the only way this is going to happen at all, is if you let me do it MY way." He feels great, he could take on the world right now, injuries...what injuries? He lets her have her way though, he knows no good will come of fighting her on this. When at last he is as naked as she is, she bends to take him in her mouth. She teases him slowly, gently, driving him crazy with desire and yet always mindful of the fact that he his still in recovery. "Oh God, oh God" Her mouth moving up and down and around him feels fucking incredible. He is sure he has a fever right now, because his whole body feels like its on fire. She sinks him within her mouth, taking him down her throat until she has all of him. He bucks his hips slightly, he can't help it. The feel of her deep throating him, the knowledge that its 'Scully' deep throating him, his brain feels like all its neurons are miss firing and he can't think, he can only feel. And the sensations she is producing are blowing his mind away. She loves his moans, he is so inarticulate right now, he couldn't utter a coherent sentence if his life depended on it. When his eyes aren't shut tight, in an effort not to come too soon, they look at her with such devotion. She knows they will be alright, whatever the future holds. As long as they can be together, can face it together. She can handle anything, as long as he is by her side. "Scully I.......gonna...." She releases him from the warmth of her mouth. Much as she loves him in her mouth, she wants more tonight. Tonight is an affirmation. Tonight she banishes the demons for him, shows him she loves him with everything she is, and that she will still feel that way tomorrow. Its time for her to wipe the pain she caused him two weeks ago away, replacing it with a promise of all the tomorrows left to her. He is still gasping, although his climax is not now as imminent as it was moments ago. "Mulder, sit back against the headboard for me." He sits up slowly and scoots backwards until he can rest his back against the head of the bed. She moves over him until she is straddling his lap, and then taking him in her small hand she guides him inside her. She takes only the head of his shaft to begin with. Pausing to revel in the feeling, she kisses him slowly and looking him in the eyes she smiles lovingly. His eyes are suspiciously moist right now. They look almost black in the candle light, and the tidal wave of love flowing from them takes her breath away. 'How could I have been afraid of this?' she marvels. The way it feels, having all his love and all his passion directed right at her. She feels complete and whole and loved, and alive. She feels beautiful, sexy, wanted. Its exquisite, indescribable really, she just knows it makes her feel better than she has ever felt before. She impales him in her gently, hard fast fucking will come another time. Her arms go around his neck and she leans in to run her tongue along his lower lip. His tongue darts out to engage hers, and as she sets up a slow and steady rhythm, their tongues play follow the leader around one another. She is so tight, and wet and holy hell is she ever hot. He lets her do all the work, knowing she will stop this if she thinks he might hurt himself. Right now he wants to fuck her hard so bad, he could not care less if he pays for it later. But she does, so he lets her ride him slowly. As long as he can have her, thats all his body could give a damn about tonight. Having her naked flesh on his, she is like silk everywhere to his touch. She smells of sex and citrus and she overwhelms his senses. Sight, hearing, touch, taste, all over loaded by her, all craving more of her. Hes addicted, he was the first time, he'll need fixes for the rest of his life. There is no rehab for this. He makes a silent wish she will be just as addicted to him. They are a pretty site in the candle light of her bedroom. His golden skin, her pale and freckled skin. Entwined and joined and hard to unravel. He dwarfs her, yet she is dominating him. She can dominate him anytime she wants he thinks. She can have it anyway she wants, if she'll let him love her, its all hes ever wanted. To love her. Well that and right now seeing her come, he has to see her come apart in his arms. She is arching her back as she moves on him now, her hands have moved onto his shoulders to brace herself and she is moving faster, with more purpose. He could come right now as he watches her, she is and always has been the most beautiful thing he has ever seen. He lowers his head and takes a nipple into his mouth. Rolling the nub between his teeth until she cries out from the pleasure. He wants to hear her again, so he gives the same treatment to her other breast, as he moves one hand from her hip to her thatch of auburn curls. Her pace has quickened again and he can feel her walls tensing around him. They are both gasping for breath, each of them so close. His fingers find her clit and he circles his thumb over it firmly. "Oh God Mulder, do that again, oh please, touch it again." "Come for me Scully" He repeats the motion a second and then a third time, he thrusts his hips up to meet her on the down stroke, she feels so fucking good, he wants to come so badly. The fourth time his thumb makes its pass all hell breaks loose. "MULDERRRRRR" She screams, her back arches so far her hair is touching his knees and her tiny form convulses, the shudders rippling through her. The force of her orgasm triggers his. He grips her hips tightly in his strong hands and pumps his seed into her, jet after jet of it. God what she does to him, her name trips from his lips over and over, he wants to tell her he loves her, but her name is the only word his brain can form. It takes them both several minutes to return to awareness. Scully rises off of him and he moans at the loss of her. "Lie down Mulder, are you okay?" "Never better in my life." He may feel alittle the worse for the exertion in the morning, but he means every word. She arranges the covers over him and then scoots under to join him, curling up at his side, head against his shoulder. They lie in euphoric silence, not needing any words right now. She is so happy, and she feels this way because of the happiness she is bringing him. She knows she is making all his dreams come true for him, what an amazing gift to be able to give someone. "Mulder" "Scully" "I'll love you for the rest of my life Mulder." "I'll love you for the rest of mine." He hugs her too him, planting a kiss in her hair. She needs to tell him something, raising up on her elbow she meets his gaze. "I thought I was going to lose you, you were going to leave me weren't you?" "You could feel that?" She nods her head. "It made no sense, physically you were stable, you were recovering, but I knew you were going to leave.....I don't know how thats possible, but I knew." "I'm sorry Scully. I didn't want to stay, a life without you....there was nothing to stay for." She opens her mouth to protest, but he silences her by laying a finger over her mouth. "No wait, let me explain. You wanted to go back Scully, but for me, backwards was not an option I had. Not once I had been allowed to love you, to make love to you. If I couldn't have that again, there was just no point. I don't remember very much now, its like a dream you can remember bits about when you wake, but its mostly gone. What I do remember though, is that I didn't want to come back, and I was looking for a way out. That you knew that....., lets just say I'm glad somehow you knew." "You trusted me, that I was telling you the truth....." "I've always trusted you, and yes, I heard you Scully, and it brought me back, that much I do remember." She shakes her head, she came so close to losing this. This amazing love that they have for each other. She almost cost him his life! She should have learnt by now the damage that can be caused by a lie. She should have learnt the value of the truth. She kisses him hard on the mouth and snuggles back down against him. He is very soon asleep, his healing body needing rest, as she drifts off shortly afterwards, she makes a promise to heed the lesson she has learnt. Its a lesson she vows never to forget again. Finis. "The truth will save you Scully. I think it'll save both of us." Fox Mulder Momento Mori. Authors notes: Phew.....done. This little angst fest bugged me and bugged me until I finally gave up the ghost and wrote the damn thing. I felt horrible for hurting my beloved Mulder, but hell CC has done worse and since he won't have the opportunity in season nine (yeah I know, he'll find a way, bast*rd!) I thought I might aswell. As for season nine, well I'm having my say, at least here I am. I won't be watching. As far as I am concerned, it all ends with Existence and M&S are happy together with baby William. After eight years of knowing and loving these two, I know that nothing short of death would ever keep these two apart, so whatever lame ass excuse they come up with **blows very big raspberry** I for one, refuse to buy into it. Thank you David for your amazing portrayal of Fox Mulder, thank you Gillian for an equally amazing portrayal of Dana Scully. I wish the XFiles could have gone out with a bang not a whimper of disgust as fans desert the sinking ship in droves, but hell, theres always FANFIC right. So my fellow shippers, join me in my happy land of DENIAL.....and remember ,at least the ship came in, and no matter what they do or say from Existence onwards....we know the truth, and we won't believe the lie! I'll get off my soap box now......I hope you liked my story!