TITLE: "NOT ANOTHER TEAM SEMINAR STORY" BY: X-Phan E-MAIL ADDRESS: xphan1013@yahoo.com RATING: NC-17 for all the sex CLASSIFICATION: SR, H, Story/Romance, Humor TIMEFRAME/SPOILER WARNING: Alternate Universe, Mulder and Scully are already together when the story begins. As always, set before the last 2 seasons, during the "status quo" time before "the baby", Doggett, Mulder's abduction etc... but no serious spoilers. KEYWORDS: MSR SUMMARY: The title is lying. ARCHIVE INFO: Can be archived anywhere as long as my name, address and disclaimer stay intact. FEEDBACK: Please email me with any comments, reviews, constructive criticism, etc... DISCLAIMER: The X-Files and the characters of Mulder and Scully belong to Chris Carter, Ten Thirteen Productions and Fox Broadcasting, and are used without permission. No copyright infringement is intended, no profit will be gained. NOTE TO READERS: My beta reader begged for one of these Mulder and Scully clichés so it's all her fault you have to read this. BETA-GIRL'S NOTE: Wow this a good story, funny, sexy, great dialogue, everything you could want. My favorite part was- AUTHOR: Hey, I said you could have one line. BETA-GIRL: Be nice or I might delete all the punctuation and spaces. How would you like to be the AUTHOR of the longest word is history? ___________________________________________________________ The X-Files: "Not Another Team Seminar Story" by X-Phan *********************** "Individual commitment to a group effort, that is what makes a team work, a company work, a society work, a civilization work." -- Vincent Thomas "Vince" Lombardi (1913-70) *********************** ---- Basement office of the Hoover Building "Guess what time it is Mulder?" "I'm not sure sir, what time is it?" "It's time to be a good little FBI agent and do your duty. To fulfill this year's federal requirement, like the one you missed last year due to that accidental gunshot wound to the foot." Mulder jumped out of his chair. "No sir, not that. It can't have been a year already." "Oh yes, it's mandatory seminar season." "I won't do it. I won't go!" "Oh yes, you will." "I can't sir, I seem to have accidentally shot myself in the foot again." "No you haven't." "Could you step outside for a minute sir?" Skinner then slammed Mulder into the wall and drew Mulder's gun from his belt, pressing it under his chin. "You'll go all right and you'll bring me back a certificate of satisfactory completion or I will decorate the ceiling of this office with skull fragments. Do you understand me?" "Do it sir. I no longer have the will to live." "Grow up Mulder," he said as he turned and walked away. "Sir, my sidearm?" "I'll return it when you get back from bettering yourself at this year's FBI communication and teamwork seminar. Dress is casual and have fun Mulder." ---- On the road to Quantico "You're full of shit Mulder, Skinner would never slam you against the wall and pull a gun on you. That's not how it happened." "I may have embellished a little on the details but that was the gist of it." "How DID you manage to shoot yourself in the foot last year?" "It was an accident. I swear." "It's not that bad Mulder, it's just a few talks and silly exercises to promote good communication and camaraderie between agents and it's required, so stop whining." "I don't whine." "Uh huh, whatever" "I don't." "Then what do you call what you're doing right now." "I was calmly explaining why I dislike being forced to participate in these unnecessary training sessions." "-And whining like a little girl who can't have a lollipop before supper." "As I was saying, I dislike these exercises because I have to devote all my concentration to not giving to anyone who might be watching, the impression we're screwing like bunnies." "Even though we are." "Which is what makes it so hard." "Poor baby. Just act professional... oh you're right, I see the problem. Well there's a first time for everything." "But Scul-lyyyyyyyy, our communication is fine. We don't need this to improve our performance." "Mulder I do not call, 'Oh yeah baby, use your teeth,' communication." "You got the message didn't you?" "Loud and clear, next time I might just bite it off." "Okay, okay, how does this sound? We'll turn the car around and go back to my place and I will guarantee you sixty minutes of uninterrupted oral sex." "Sounds good, we'll do that when we get back." "Oh no, it's a limited time offer that is rescinded once we enter the parking lot at Quantico." "No it's not, you'll do it anyway. Don't forget who you're talking to here." "I'm as whipped as a rented mule, aren't I?" "Of course not dear, you just have realized what every sexually satisfied male eventually does. If you ever do succeed in winning an argument with me, you've really lost." "Women are evil." "Despite that fact, we continue to remain popular as opposed to the alternative, so get over it." "Evil" "Be a good boy and tonight I may be persuaded to try that thing you saw in that book, you know the one you leave open to that page on my pillow every night. Subtle by the way." "I'll be good." "I know you will." "Ever notice how you always have the last word?" "No." Quantico Mulder and Scully walk into a large room littered with signs promoting healthy communication and working togetherness. Mulder groaned. "Working together-ness is not a real phrase Scully and look, the chairs are actually in a circle." "That's right, a 'sharing circle'," said an overly chipper woman who seemed to appear out of nowhere. "You two can sign in and pick up your name tags over at the table." "Thank you," replied Scully. Mulder didn't say anything; he was too busy screaming inside. They walked over to the table and Scully signed their names into the register. "Agents Dana Scully and Fox Mulder." She handed it back to woman at the table who gave them their nametags, first name only. "Excuse me miss, may I borrow you pen?" "Why certainly." He placed his nametag on the table, vigorously scratched out Fox, and replaced it with Mulder before returning the pen to its owner. "Thanks." Scully shook her head telling the woman 'Don't ask'. As they left to find seats she shot him a look warning him not to embarrass them. He raised his eyebrow telling her 'see what great communication we have'. They found their seats and waited for it to begin. Mulder was grateful he didn't recognize most of the other agents present and even more relieved they weren't the only male-female team in the room. Still though, at least three guys were eyeballing Scully and he couldn't even give them a dirty look without giving the impression he was protecting her for unprofessional reasons. The good mood he was in after she promised to try that thing tonight was quickly evaporating. When everyone was seated the chipper woman strode into the middle of the circle, introduced herself, and gave her little speech on how beneficial this was going to be. She then introduced some assistant director who gave his not so little lecture. While Mulder was only half listening he caught enough to know it could have been summarized by the wildly radical concept: 'talking is good'. Mercifully the speech ended and the woman returned to the center of the circle. "Thank you assistant director and now for the interactive portion of the seminar. We'll begin with introductions but as our first exercise each pair will stand and you will introduce your partner with only one sentence." Mulder raised his hand. "Yes?" "Can it be a compound sentence?" "Yes, but keep it brief, that's the challenge of the exercise. We'll start over here." She pointed to a startled young agent who stumbled through his introduction, mentioning their partner was a good agent and friend. Most were similar but it was easy to tell the veterans because many added a joke and or ribbed their partner for being a lousy basketball player etc... Eventually it came around to Mulder who was still thinking and didn't notice that everyone was looking at him. Scully elbowed him as she stood and whispered, "Introduce me." "Oh okay." Mulder jumped up, took a breath, and rattled off, "This is my partner, Dana Scully, a forensic pathologist, crack shot, all around excellent agent and wonderful human being who wishes that was her natural hair color." This got him some chuckles from the audience. Scully had been expecting something like this and when it was her turn she said in her most disinterested tone, "This my partner Fox Mulder, clinical psychologist, lousy shot, passable agent, thinks he's funny, is colorblind and wishes he wasn't here." The female agents all laughed and silently cheered Scully for besting him at his own game. The men just laughed at Mulder for being shown up by his partner. Mulder sat down grinning from ear to ear; no one in the room suspecting it was from pride. The rest of the introductions were anticlimactic after theirs. Then the next exercise was given to them along with pencils, paper, and clipboards. They were to write down the one thing that most annoys them about their partner and on the other side what they would change about them. Then they were to exchange the papers so the could work on their problems and try to improve their partnership. Mulder and Scully were the first finished and traded papers. Mulder's said: She's stubborn and refuses to accept the obvious. The back was of course blank. Scully's said: He's stubborn and ignores reason and logic. On the back she had written: He cuts his hair too short. Mulder leaned over and whispered in her ear, "You're in charge of all my haircuts from now on, but no ponytails and the first time I'm mistaken for Langly it's back to the buzz cut." Judging by the murmurs in the room, not all of the agents were as satisfied with their answers as Mulder and Scully. Fortunately next was a break for coffee and snacks before more exercises. Just as she had secured her coffee, Scully was herded away from Mulder by the other female agents. "Good job zapping your partner back for his little crack. It's refreshing to see a woman who can give it right back to them," said one of the women. "Uh thanks, it's no big deal. We tease each other all the time so I don't take it personally." "Still he had it coming to him. He sounds like a handful." "You don't know the half of it." "How long have you been partners?" "Going on seven years." "Wow, that long, so in your experience what does it take to keep them in line when they forget they're professionals and revert back into acting like men? The rest of us are always looking for ideas." "Well for Mulder I just threaten to shoot him again. Shuts him right up... most of the time. Anyway nice talking to you, but we should get back. They're starting again." Scully walked away from the surprised women and returned to her seat. "What was that all about Scully? Doing some female bonding?" "They were curious how I put up with you and your rapier wit." "And?" "I still don't know for sure, but I'm starting to think laziness has something to do with it. I've got so much time and effort wrapped up in your training I can't imagine starting from scratch with a new one." "Awww and I didn't think you were sentimental." "I have my moments." The next exercise quickly got underway. To learn more about each other, each partner was to write down five questions they had for the other that had to be answered truthfully. Their discussion leader again assured them their responses were completely confidential and no one would be asked to share unless they volunteered. Mulder decided on the first few easily but had to think longer on the last ones. Scully finished hers and waited until he was finished to trade papers and write their answers. It was silent in the room as everyone contemplated what they should reveal about themselves. Mulder finished his answers in no time and was trying to be patient but his curiosity was getting to him. She apparently had a lot to say. Finally Scully finished and handed him back his clipboard with a grin. His paper read: 1. What's your favorite sexual position? Me on top 2. Would Eddie have gotten into your pants? Yes, but only because I wanted him to be you so much I ignored the odd behavior. 3. If you could change something in your life right now what would it be? I would want two whole days a week where we could do whatever we wanted with no work to do or anyone bothering us and just enjoy some relaxing time together. 4. What did you really think of me when we met? I thought, well he's a little crazy, definitely a rebel but also very intelligent and he certainly has that tall, dark, and handsome thing going for him. You made me want to prove myself and I liked the challenge of having to either verify or refuting your off the wall theories. I especially enjoyed the latter, given my adversarial tendencies. 5. What's your opinion of me now? You're definitely crazy, always will be a rebel, brilliant and incredibly sexy. I still find myself wanting to prove to the world I'm your equal, even though I know you're convinced I am. You make me a more complete person and I love you for that among many other things. Scully's sheet read: 1. What is your preferred sexual position? You on top, so I can watch you enjoy yourself. 2. What is your favorite nonsexual pastime? Watching TV on the couch on a lazy afternoon with my partner lying on top of me. 3. What do you value most about me/our relationship? You make me happy, it makes me happy. 4. What do you wish for in life? The day when we can quit work forever and go live on a tropical beach where we run around naked all the time having wild sex whenever the mood strikes us until we become legends with the natives whose stories of my prowess and your beauty live on for generations. Perhaps that's more of a fantasy than an attainable wish since you'd burn in the sun. We'll just have to substitute the beach for a cabin in the mountains and the natives for the furry woodland creatures, but the rest still goes. 5. What did you really want to tell them about me during the introductions? This ladies and gentleman is my partner, lover, and best friend, Dana Scully. She is by far the most incredible woman you will ever meet. Brilliant and beautiful, courageous and trustworthy, kind and generous, fearless and indomitable, there aren't enough qualifiers in the English language to adequately describe her or what she means to me. She's my perfect compliment, my other half, and I am honored to know her and to love her. And she's a screamer in bed, so you all can turn green with envy because she's mine mine mine. When Scully was finished reading she looked up at Mulder and gave him a secret smile promising a kiss as soon as they were in private. The next exercise was a test of how well each person knows the other. They were given a list of questions about themselves and had to write down the answers to see whether their partners could guess them correctly. The questions asked about favorite foods, books, movies, names of their pets, how they take their coffee and other such items observant partners might know about. When it was Scully's turn she stood up and rattled off every last one on Mulder's list from Mr. Wong's Chinese food to Plan 9 from Outer Space to 'with too much sugar for a normal human being to safely consume'. Mulder did just as well, naming Moby Dick, Queeqeg and so forth exactly matching Scully's list. Their group leader commented on how no one had ever gotten every item perfectly before and how much you can learn about a person by being together for so long. When the rest of the teams were done they next went around the circle with each person stating something that they knew about their partner that they hadn't been told directly and that the partner wouldn't think that they knew. Mulder didn't have much difficulty picking something and purposefully didn't meet Scully's eyes so she couldn't stop him by threaten him with the look of death. "Your turn, Agent Mulder." "Well then here's one, on long stake outs when she says she's just resting her eyes she snores like a giant rusty chainsaw cutting down the redwood forests." Scully turned only the slightest shade of pink throughout the laughter and managed to remain smiling until it had died down and it was her turn. "As long as we're discussing sleeping habits, on plane trips Mulder falls asleep and drools, a lot, and not just on himself. Once I wasn't paying attention until I noticed the entire right side of my trench coat was wet. That and when he thinks I'm not looking he wipes his chin off with his tie." Scully won again if the decibel level of the laughter was any indication or failing that the look and color of Mulder's face. After everyone had had their turn, the discussion leader came to the center of the circle with two pieces of paper. "We want you all to know this isn't all serious business and so, before we move outside for the final event, we'd like to give out something of a souvenir to the most deserving partners. By a unanimous vote, our highest honor, "The Old Married Couple Award" goes to Agents Mulder and Scully." The group cheered as she handed the official looking certificates to the two embarrassed partners. The last event of the day was a soft ball game with half the group versus the other half and each set of partners on one the same team. It was mostly even through the game and each team scored a few runs. Mulder had a couple of good hits and drove in a run while Scully walked twice because she didn't have a very large strike zone for the pitcher to find. In the ninth inning Mulder and Scully's team was down by a run with one out and one man on base. Scully came up to bat and she hit a single over the second baseman's head. Then a ground out to first base pushed the runners to second and third with two outs. The next batter managed to drop a single into left field scoring the tying run easily. Scully rounded third and was coming home as the ball was thrown back into the infield. The throw was good and went right to the catcher beating Scully to the plate by a few steps. She saw this as well as Mulder and all he could think was 'For his sake I hope he doesn't think she'll slide'. The catcher did and got quite a surprise when all one hundred and some odd pounds of Scully came straight for him at full speed. Her shoulder and batting helmet impacted his chest knocking both of them to the ground and causing the ball to pop out of his glove. She crawled over and slammed her hand down on home plate triumphantly. The umpire yelled, "Safe" and her bench erupted with cheers, especially her partner who had seen the whole thing coming as soon as she rounded third. Mulder was the first one over to her after she stood and dusted herself off, all the while grinning from ear to ear. He lifted her off her feet in a congratulatory hug before the rest of their teammates came over for high fives. When they were later shaking the hands of the opposing team their catcher stopped Scully. "I bet nobody sees you coming until it's too late." "That's just the way I like it." He chuckled and shook her hand. They picked up their certificates of satisfactory completion of the seminar and got back in the car to head for her place. "See Scully, that wasn't as bad as you thought it would be. You were worried for nothing." "Uh huh, it was me threatening to discharge a firearm into my foot just to get out of going." "Oh that, okay so once in all the years you've know me I over reacted. Give a guy a break." "If you mean the one time it DIDN'T end in a hail of gunfire, I'll agree." "Oh admit it, you love coming to my rescue and kicking ass. You also know it's a turn on when you go all warrior princess on the bad guys." "I enjoy my work an appropriate amount and have no problems defending with force what's mine." "I bet there's an admission in there some where. Anyway what did you think of that married couple award thing? I know we were trying to keep a low profile." "I guess I'm proud of it, mine's going in a frame on the bedroom wall. Don't worry about it though, a hot shot profiler such as yourself should know a thing or two about hiding in plain sight. Know any old married couples who still have sex?" "I love how that mind of yours works, Scully, the fact that it happens to get around in such a sexy little body is all bonus." "Guess that makes me pretty shallow, I only noticed you had a wonderful mind when I stopped letting myself be distracted by your ass." "You did do an awful lot of squeezing that first month." "I had a lot of time to make up for." "So before we get to something un-married couple-like, do you want to pick up pizza for dinner on the way home?" "Sure, you better eat first because after I get your head between my legs your tongue is going to be too tired to doing anything for a week." "You haven't forgotten about that, huh?" "Oh don't worry Mulder, I'm only teasing. I don't want you're tongue completely useless to me for the rest of the night, so we'll compromise on half an hour of oral sex." "I suppose I can live with that, and then that thing..." "Yes, the thing, but after." They got pizza and iced tea and headed the rest of the way to Scully's place. She made them eat at the table but played footsie to keep Mulder entertained. In no time the pizza was almost finished and the box tossed on the counter to make room on the table for a naked Scully. While tearing off her clothes Mulder made the obligatory 'she was for desert' joke and Scully giggled. He stripped her of everything but her panties before sliding her to the edge of the table. The panties were quickly torn off and Scully's legs lifted over his shoulders so he could begin the pleasant business of making her scream his name. He took his time teasing her lips and tickling her clit before working in earnest. She was paying so much attention for the fingers rubbing her G-spot and the tongue licking her clit that Scully didn't notice the time pass until Mulder just stopped. "Hey, keep going." "What Scully, it's been thirty minutes. Rules are rules." "Mulder, you wanna die in your sleep? Finish!" "But Scully I was just following..." "Mulder!" "Okay, but it's not because I'm scared of you." She growled and he shut up. Five more minutes had her coming against his mouth and moaning agreeably. When she stopped panting he picked her up and headed for the bedroom. "Ready Scully?" "I'll get you for that little stunt later, but I'm horny now, so yes lets try the thing." He was out of his clothes and on the bed in an instant. "Okay it shouldn't be too difficult, we just follow the picture, so turn to the side a bit and raise you leg like this." "I'm not sure I bend that way." "You will when we're done. Kidding." "Okay just like that and then I slide inside you. Mmmmm that's nice. Turn a little more to the left, that's right and lift you're upper body on your arms." "Interesting, that is kind of nice." "Just wait." Their slow pace gave way to harder and longer strokes causing Scully to once again moan pleasantly. "Oh yeah, faster, I can't believe how deep you are." "Aren't you glad I'm an avid reader?" "Mmmmmm" "I'm almost there Scully." "Me too, little more." He reached down to rub his thumb against her swollen clit and soon felt her clench her legs tightly. Scully's orgasm arrived with a screech, squeezing Mulder and ruining his concentration so that he came inside her immediately. "Oh Scully." "Mulder." They collapsed on the bed tired and sore, but very satisfied. Mulder crawled up over Scully and kissed her softly. "All I can say is wow. So what did you think Scully?" "I might have sprained something, but I think we have a winner." "We should have started this before we got old, just imagine the almost nonstop sex we could have had if we were in our twenties." "Speak for yourself old man, I'm at my sexual peak. If you can't keep up I'll have to start interviewing replacements. Mind if I use your apartment? I don't like the idea of sleeping with strange men in my own bed." "You're a doctor, can't you just write me prescriptions for whatever I need to keep my libido going?" "What do you think I've been doing, I put things in your food when you're not looking." "And here I thought the chicken gravy I had last night was just naturally gritty." "Ground up pills and it was just yours." "Whatever keeps you happy, that's what I'm here for." "Mulder?" "Yeah?" "I have a confession to make. I've been wanting to try that thing too, I was just waiting to owe you something before I gave in." "And now that you told me the truth, your conscience is clear." "Uh huh" "Evil evil evil" "And you love me for it." "It's lucky for you." The End Epilogue: That thing became part of their regular repertoire and a deposit was made on a summer cabin in the mountains. ___________________________________________________________ Again it's not really my fault you had to read this so if you didn't like it I can supply you with an email address to send nasty mail. However if you liked it and have comments or ideas for my next story, send them to xphan1013@yahoo.com.