Date: Tue, 12 Sep 2000 22:32:14 -0500 Subject: Chasm 01 - Seismic Activity by Cassie and Shanda Source: direct Reply To: Samantha0223@hotmail.com, ShanaGail26@hotmail.com Title: "Chasm 01 - Seismic Activity" Authors: Cassie and Shanda Weeks E-mail: Samantha0223@hotmail.com or ShandaW@excite.com Rating: NC-17 Category: MSR, Scully/other, Mulder/other, RST, MAJOR A, Violence Keywords: Alternate Universe - in other words, is tracks "The End" and "FTF", but then spins off into our own little tangent! Spoilers: "Christmas Carol/Emily", "Travelers", "Folie a Deux", "The End", "FTF", "Biogenesis", "The Sixth Extinction", "TSE: Amor Fati" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I've got my heart, but my heart's no good And you're the only one that's understood... ...The more I give to you the more I die And I want you, and I want you And I want you, and I want you You are the perfect drug The perfect drug, the perfect drug... ...Without you, without you Everything falls apart." ~ Nine Inch Nails - "The Perfect Drug" "Biogenesis" May 1999 I'm standing here in a fucking padded room. I know you're out there somewhere. I can hear your voice. I hear it in my head. It resonates over all the others, like a sweet, calming descant. It is the proverbial music to my ears. How did we get here, Scully? How did it come to this? You've been on the other side of the country for almost a year now. That, too, is my fault. I sent you away. I *had* to, but I don't think you understood that. I begged you to stay and then I transferred you. You fought me, fought hard, but in the end, you left. And God, I missed you. No matter what I did... what you did, I never stopped loving you. Never stopped wanting you, so much so that it drove me crazy. So here I am. "SCULLY!!!" Yes, occasionally I scream your name. Does it sound familiar, Scully? Do you remember what it's like to hear me scream you name? Scream it in fear, in pain, in ecstasy? I doubt I'll live through this. But, I guess that's okay. I don't really have much to live for these days. I've been surviving off of memories for quite a while now, Scully. Remembering everything. Remembering the exact moments that the careful walls you'd built around yourself had finally crumbled for good. Do you remember? After our office was burned I stood there, just staring. You came in, and you turned to me, gripped my arms, and laid your head on my shoulder. I wanted to hold you, wrap my arms around you, bury my face in your hair and cry. But I didn't. What did I do instead? I took you firmly by the shoulders and pushed you away. And then, without even looking at you, I just walked away. After wandering the streets of DC, I ended up at the Reflecting Pool. I know you thought I went to see Diana, you probably still think that, but I didn't I just sat there and stared at the water. Finally, somewhere around 7am, I went home. And you were there. I'd never been so happy to see anyone in my life. I thought I'd finally pushed you away when I left. But you were there. Do you remember what happened then, Scully? I do. I crossed the room and knelt between you legs, resting my head in your lap. I wrapped my arms around your hips and held on for dear life. At first, you did nothing, but then you slowly, hesitantly, began to run your fingers through my hair. Do you remember Scully? Do you remember? Do you? ~~ ~~ 1 Year Earlier. May 1998 Mulder knelt before her, her legs cradling him, and rested his head in her lap. Clutching her hips he waited for what seemed like an eternity before she finally threaded her fingers into his soft hair. "I'm sorry, Scully." He whispered, his voice slightly muffled by her thighs. "For what?" She murmured absently. "I shouldn't have left like that." He felt, rather than saw her shrug her shoulders. "I'm used to it, Mulder. You ditch me all the time." "I know. It's just - God, Scully... they took it all away. They took away our work in one final hideous act. They shut us down, and they burned us down." He said bitterly, fists clenching in anger. "They didn't take away *everything*, Mulder. We - we still have each other and we still have my discs." Finally he looked up at her, a question in his eyes. "What discs?" "After I was returned, and we got the files back, I began systematically copying them all to disc. I knew you hadn't, and probably wouldn't get around it it. I copied Samantha's first, and now... three years and 22 discs later, I have most of them. I'm just sorry I don't have them all." Mulder stared at her, stunned. He had no idea... "Did you copy yours? He asked, and she nodded. "Emily's?" She nodded again. "The you got the most important ones." He reached up and gently touched her cheek, laying his palm against it, caressing her. She leaned into his touch, and a small sigh escaped her lips. She laid her hand over his and allowed her eyes to slip shut. "We'll get through this, Mulder. Somehow, we'll convince them to give us the X-Files back. And if not, we can leave the Bureau and do it ourselves." He didn't respond, and after a while her eyes fluttered open. She was surprised to find his face level with hers. His usually soft hazel eyes had turned a deep gold-flecked green and were piercing into her. With his hand still on her cheek he began to gently rub her face with his thumb. She watched as his eyes flitted down to her lips and then back up to her eyes. "Scully..." He whispered a fraction of a second before his mouth descended on hers. He kissed her thoroughly, slowly, exploring this new territory and memorizing its lush terrain. His tongue begged entry, and she parted his lips and pulled him in. Finally, the need for oxygen overcame them and they reluctantly pulled apart. Mulder rested his forehead on hers, eyes closed, and listened as they breathed. "Scully." He said quietly, when he could talk again. "I think... I think if you were going to go, you should go now, while I can still let you go." She leaned her head back slightly and looked into his now open eyes. "I don't want to go." Hearing that, Mulder groaned and pulled her to him, kissing her passionately. Needing to touch her skin, he ran his hands up the back of her shirt and caressed her back. As he trailed his lips down to her neck she made soft mewling sounds that vibrated against his mouth. His lips brushed across her clavicle and moved lower, to the vee of her shirt. Playing with the top button he looked up, seeking approval. Her eyes were a dark, stormy blue - clouded with desire. She nodded slightly and his fingers began to work the buttons open, one by one, his eyes never leaving hers. He peeled the shirt away and unclipped the front clasp of her bra, drawing both items away and onto the floor. She breathed in a soft gasp when she felt his lips close around one coral-capped nipple. His expert tongue worked one nipple while his fingers rolled and pinched the other. "Jesus, Mulder." She breathed, clutching the back of his head. She needed to touch him. Reaching down she tugged at his t-shirt until he pulled it up over his head, immediately returning his attention to her breasts. She traced her fingers over his sinewy shoulders.. his back... and finally down his chest where she very gently scraped her nails over his flat, brown nipples. She shivered as he groaned and arched into her. He abruptly pulled back and she keened in disappointment, giving him a look of confusion until his hands came down to the waistband of her pants, undid them, and slid them down and off. They joined the growing pile of clothes on the floor. "So beautiful." He whispered. She lay there in front of him, clad only in a pair of lacy, black, high-cut panties. He hooked his fingers into them and slid them down her legs. Eyes locked with hers, he watched her as he slowly slid a finger into her. She arched her back and pushed herself down onto his hand. His thumb slipped up and pressed gently onto her clit, making slow circles as he pushed another finger inside her. He picked up the rhythm slightly and felt her legs begin to shake. "Mulder..." She managed to gasp out. "Inside me... now." He stood up and quickly divested himself of his jeans and boxers. Sitting down on the couch her drew her over to straddle him and watched, fascinated, as she took him in her hand and guided him into her. He couldn't stop the groan that he exhaled. The sensation of finally being inside Scully was overwhelming. They sat still for a while, just looking into each other's eyes and adjusting to the feeling. The, she began to gently rock, back and forth. She leaned toward him, dropping her head slightly, and her curtain of fiery hair obscured her face. He reached up and ran his hands into her hair, pulling her mouth to his and kissing her as she picked up the pace. He thrust up in rhythm to meet her, again and again. Finally, when he thought he could no longer hold out, he felt her begin to contract around him. She threw her head back, raking her nails down his chest and then he exploded inside her, still thrusting erratically, and screaming her name. She collapsed against him, breathing heavily. Eventually, they fell asleep, sated and calm. But when he awoke later, she was gone. ~ 1999 Do you know how I felt when I woke up, Scully? Do you have any idea the guilt and indecision I wrestled with? I should never had acted on the impulse to touch you. I should have sent you home when I saw you sitting there. But I didn't. I couldn't. I needed you so bad. And then you were gone. And as much as I ached to follow you, to go to you and tell you everything that was in my heart I didn't. I was too afraid then. Not afraid of anything tangible, just afraid. And I let you go. I let it end there. Because it did, end there. You acted as if nothing had happened. You went on, being professional Special Agent Doctor Dana Katherine Scully. So, what else could I do? I acted like you did. I pretended that I hadn't had your breast in my mouth, like I didn't pull you onto my lap and fuck you on my couch. I let you go. I let you go. Oh, Scully! I'm so sorry I let you go. But, what else could I do? The day I finally thought I could tell you.......well, we were in Dallas. And I guess you know what that means. After all that happened, I couldn't believe you'd leave me. After everything we discovered about what happened. You were leaving. Walking away from me. How could you leave me? Did I really mean that little to you? No. I know that's not true. I know, at one time anyway, you loved me as much as I love you. But I also know that I lost that when I forced you to go away. I know you were confused. Hell, so was I. I truly wanted you to stay, begged you, laid my heart and soul bare to you in the hallway outside my apartment. You complete me. I can't do this without you, I don't know if I want to do this without you. And then, do you remember what happened, Scully? Do you remember how you responded to my desperate pleas? I do. I remember every detail, every sensation. I remember your soft lips pressing against my forehead. I remember reaching out to you... I remember moving to kiss you. I remember that you were going to kiss me back. Stupid fucking bee! And then all hell broke loose.......literally. I can't even begin to tell you what I felt when you collapsed into my arms. I was terrified. I thought, I'd finally gotten the chance to show you what I felt. Like I'd been wanting to for so long. And then, you were gone. And I didn't have any idea where to look. I have never been more scared in my life. The overwhelming sense of loss... my whole life was gone. You were gone. And then I understood. I knew that I had to find you, bring you home. But I also knew that I had to get you as far away from me as possible. You were only getting hurt by staying with me. All I've ever done is bring you pain. And somehow, I'm doing it again. I can hear your voice out there. I can hear the pain that resonates in it. I know it is my fault. I'm sorry. So,so sorry......... ************ ************ June 1998 Scully walked slowly toward Mulder. He sat with his head bowed on their bench by the reflecting pool. She could sense the tension and pain in his body. She knew that something was bothering him. Something was wrong. As she started talking, she realized that it wasn't something that was wrong, but more something that he was doing. She could almost see it coming. Her heart was pounding in her chest as she listened, dumbfounded, to the words he spoke. "You were right to want to quit, you were right to want to leave me, you should get as far away from me as you can. I'm not going to watch you die, Scully, because of some hollow personal cause of mine!" Mulder pleaded. "Go be a doctor. Go be a doctor while you still can." And then he turned and walked away, leaving Scully staring after him. She could swear that she could hear her heart breaking. After everything that had just happened, after he had snuck out of a hospital with a gunshot wound to the head and went to Antarctica to save her, after all that, she had finally begun to understand. It was okay to love Mulder because he loved her back. But now..... With tears streaming down her face she started toward her car and home. She would give him some time to think and then she would go to him. Make him see the truth and understand that she couldn't leave. Not now. She couldn't let them win. Mulder felt hollow. He walked aimlessly around for a long time, just moving. Just keep moving, he told himself. If he could just keep moving he wouldn't' have to think. Wouldn't have to remember the hurt and confused look on Scully's face when he walked away. Wouldn't have to remember the love he saw in her soft blue eyes when she first approached and started to talk to him. He couldn't allow her to love him. He didn't deserve to have her. She should have so much more. He had no idea how long he wandered around before he finally made his way to his car and home. His apartment was quiet and empty, like it always was. His eyes landed on the couch and he felt a knot twist in his gut as he remembered. He'd been allowed a tasted of heaven, but he had always known that he wouldn't get to keep it. And that had been reinforced when he'd awoke alone that morning. Scully had already made her choice. And even though he had tried to talk her out of it, seeing her in that alien cryopod thing had made him see that she was right to go. She needed to go. He could never give her what she needed and deserved. His body ached and he could swear he felt someone ripping his heart out of his chest as he moved to the telephone and unplugged it. It already had several messages on his machine and he was sure they were Scully. But he couldn't talk to her right now. He had to do this. For her. She would be so much better off. And hopefully one day she would understand that. ~~ ~~ 1999 I know I hurt you with what I did next, but you have to believe that at the time, I sincerely thought it was for your own good. Look back, Scully. Look back and think. Think of the person you were when you met me. You were so young, Scully. So young, naive, and trusting. I took all that away from you in a matter of months. As much as I loved that I was the only one you trusted, it made me sad - still makes me sad - to have put you in that position. I never intended for this to happen. From day one I kept you at arms length. I've seen what happens to people who get too close to me. But then you were abducted, taken away from me for three months. Three horrific months. I lost myself while you were gone. I actually had sex with a woman who thought she was a vampire. You see what happens when you're not here to ground me?! Her name was Kristen. Kristen Kilar. But, I can guarantee you, that's not what I screamed when I came. No way in hell. You wanna know whose name I called, Scully? Yours. For me, it was you I was thrusting into. It's always been you, and I screamed your name. And the little vampire slut actually laughed at me. Not that I could blame her. I'd laugh at me too. If I remembered how. Has it been a hard year for you, Scully? It's been a hard year for me. All I want to do right now is to see you, hold you, kiss you. But they're telling you I'm violent and dangerous. But you say I'm not to you. And you're right. I would never, ever hurt you. At least, not physically. ~~ July 1998 The Mall "The cellular customer you are trying to reach - " Scully snapped her cell phone off with a frustrated cry. She hadn't spoken to Mulder in two weeks. His home telephone had been disconnected, he'd changed the locks so her key didn't work, and had given explicit instructions to his landlord that she not be let in under *any* circumstances. He'd taken a leave of absence from work and left the city. Not even the Gunmen knew where he was. It was very evident that he didn't want to be found. At least not by her. She jumped in surprise when the cell phone in her hand began to chirp. "Mulder?" She asked frantically. There was a moment of silence on the other line. "Agent Scully, this is Assistant Director Kersh's secretary. The AD would like to see you in his office as soon as possible." "I'll be right there." Scully said, and hung up. Sighing, she rose from the bench and made her way back to work. ~ FBI Headquarters Office of Assistant Director Kersh "Agent Scully, I called you here today to inform you that your transfer has been approved. I understand that you have family in Southern California and the San Diego field office will benefit greatly by having you as their resident forensic pathologist." Kersh said calmly, as if the news of her transfer was an everyday occurrence. "My transfer, Sir?" She asked, panic beginning to build in the pit of her stomach. "Yes. Agent Mulder submitted the request two weeks ago and asked that you be informed when it had been approved. I assumed you knew about it." "No, Sir. I didn't. I didn't realize Agent Mulder had the authority to simply transfer me." Scully said angrily. "Well, he is the Senior Agent, and of course, he had my personal recommendation as well." Kersh said matter-of-faculty. "Yours, Sir?" "Agent Scully, if I felt your... talents as an officer were wasted on the X-Files, you can imagine how I feel about you being on domestic terrorism." "But Agent Mulder - " "Agent Mulder is a lost cause. I'm taking the chance that you are not. You are to report to the San Diego VCS in seventy-two hours." He looked down and began shuffling papers on his desk, effectively dismissing her. ~ 3rd Floor Bullpen Mulder peeked his head through the doorway and glanced over at Scully's desk. She wasn't there, thank God. He honestly didn't think he could stand to face her. He walked over to his desk and plopped down in front of his computer. Glancing at the monitor he caught sight of the little flashing envelope icon that indicate he had new mail. Entering his mailbox he saw that he had one new message. To:FWMulder@fbi.dc.gov From:humanresources@fbi.dc.gov Subject: Agent Scully - Transfer Agent Mulder, The transfer request for Agent Scully has been approved. She will be reporting to the San Diego field office in three days to join their violent crimes section. For the record, Agent Mulder, had it not been for AD Kersh's strict recommendation, we would not have approved this transfer. A finer partnership the FBI has never seen, and we hope you realize the repercussions of your decision. - HR Mulder sat back in his chair, re-reading the admonishment from the H.R. department. He deleted the message and leaned forward, resting his head in his hands. It had occurred to him that Scully might resign as she had tried to do when it had been OPR transferring her. However, a part of him held the condign certainty that she would never give *him* the satisfaction. ~~ ~~ 1999 And I was right, wasn't I? You didn't quit. I left the bullpen that day for lunch and came back to find your desk cleaned out and my old apartment key in my desk. I was expecting that. What I wasn't expecting was the note, or rather the word, you left me. A small piece of paper, resting under my key that contained one word. "Coward." Yeah, well. You nailed me that time. I'm a coward. A fucking coward. I couldn't face you. I couldn't stand to look into those soft blue eyes and see the love radiate out from them. Not when I know all I'll ever do is hurt you. You're leaving again now. I just heard you call Diana a liar. Well, your lips called her a liar - your mind had a few other choice words for her. You called Skinner a liar as well, and now you're leaving. But it's okay. It's okay. I know where you're going. Your mind has been chanting one word ever since Diana mentioned the artifact. Africa. Africa. Africa. Please be safe, my love. If you get scared, come home to me. Come home to me as I wish you'd done countless times over the past year...... ~~ ~~ November 1998 Scully sighed as she entered her office. She tossed her light jacket across the back of her chair and sank wearily down. All she wanted to do was go home and soak in a hot tub. That thought caused tears to spring to her eyes, because she didn't really feel like she was home. Her home was in DC.....with Mulder. But she couldn't have that. He had made his decision and she had to respect that. She pursed her lips together and brushed her hair back out of her face. Just then the phone began to ring. She glared at it for a moment and then picked it up. "Scully," she barked. "Scully, this is Skinner." Her heart immediately jumped into her throat. Her mind began to chant silently, Mulder... "What's happened?" She already knew something was wrong. Why else would Skinner cal her out of the blue? "Scully, it appears that Agent Mulder has been kidnapped," he started. Before he could say anything else she interrupted him. "How? And by who?" She could tell that she was about to panic, but she couldn't stop the reaction. She knew without a doubt that she loved Mulder. Still, after everything. After he had sent her away. She still loved him. She listened numbly to Skinner and then mumbled her thanks and hung up. Two seconds later she was out the door and on her way to one Mr. Patrick Crump's house. She had to find out what was going on. ******** Scully stood nervously at the end of the highway that Mulder was driving on. She had figured out what was happening to Mr. Crump, and what had happened to his wife. She thought she could help, but only if they got here in time. She had finally, an hour ago done something she had sworn she would never do again. She had called Mulder. His voice had sounded surprised when her familiar greeting of 'It's me' reached his ears. She had felt her heart expand with emotion when his rough voice had hesitantly whispered her name. It had been so full of pain, those two small syllables he spoke. She'd had to choke back her tears to tell him what she had learned. And now here she stood, at the end of this god forsaken highway, anxiously staring into the distance, watching for Mulder to reappear in her life. Part of her was completely overjoyed at the opportunity to see him again. But part of her was terribly afraid. She knew that she still loved him. And she knew that he had decided that he didn't....couldn't.....love her. She didn't want him to see how much she still missed and needed him. She closed her eyes and attempted to regain control over her emotions. Three long, deep breaths and then she opened her eyes. And there, in the distance was a small moving black blur. As she watched it became a car and her heart sped up a bit. Mulder was here. Finally. The car screeched to a stop and Scully ran toward it, pulling out the needle she needed to use. She threw open the back door and stopped. It was too late. Mr. Crump had already died. She shivered at the sight and stepped back, her eyes landing for the first time on Mulder. She tried to keep her breathing steady and not give away her shock, but she wasn't sure if she succeed. Mulder looked like he had lost weight. And his dark, healthy complexion was pale and his eyes looked dark and haunted. She wanted so bad to reach out and wrap her arms around him. But she stood where she was and just stared at him for a long time. Mulder finally broke the silence. "Scully?" his voice was tight and clearly betrayed his discomfort. "Hey, Mulder. How are you?" She asked quietly, her voice uncertain. "I'm okay," he answered quickly. "I'm doing fine." Scully raised her eyebrow at him. She didn't look convinced. "Okay. I......um," "Scully," he interrupted her. She stopped and looked up at him. She could tell that he wanted to say something, but the words seemed to stick in his throat. She tried to read his eyes, the way she had always been able to do. She was shocked and very dismayed to find that she couldn't. She knew that she couldn't stop the tears that built in her eyes, but she struggled hard to keep them from falling. Mulder watched her fighting with her tears. His heart felt like it was being torn into again, the way it had been when she left him. He wanted to tell her how he felt, beg he to come home with him, to love him again. But he knew he couldn't do that to her. He reached out one hand and tentatively touched her face. With the tips of his fingers he gently brushed a lock of bright red hair out of her face and tucked it behind her ear. ************* 1999 God, Scully. When I touched you it was like.......I don't know if I can explain it. It was perfect. The way you felt under my fingers.I wanted more than anything to sweep you into my arms and hold on forever. But I couldn't. I didn't know if that's what you wanted. So I stayed my distance. How many times have I wished I had done it differently. How many nights did I lay awake and wonder what would have happened if I'd wrapped my arms around you and never let you go that day. But I didn't do that. I stood there and watched you fighting with your tears. I ached to hold you, to dry them. But I couldn't. My body wouldn't do what my heart was begging it to. You just looked at me with those sad blue eyes, so full of pain and anger and.....love. God, Scully, I saw love in your eyes. Still. After everything I had done to you, I saw love..... You still loved me. And even then I was a coward. You really had me there. Even with proof that you still loved me I backed away. I still couldn't allow myself to love you. Well, that's not true. Because I did love you. I *do* love you. I was just too afraid to show you, to show anyone. Even myself. And that hurt so much, Scully. It still hurts so much. And now I know I will never be able to tell you. You are very far away from me my love. Yet I still feel you. I can still sense your soul. I will always be connected to you. Even when I am gone. And I'm sorry, baby, because I know that you will never understand. I know that I am dying. I know that you can not hear me as I can you. You will never know the depth of what I feel for you. You will never understand my misguided attempt to keep you safe. All I wanted was to protect you. You were my whole world. I guess I never counted on that. It tore my whole world apart when you left. It was like someone took my heart and soul out of my body. I was there, but I wasn't alive. And it was my fault. I did it. No one else. It was completely me and me alone that took you from my life. And there wasn't really anything I could do to fix it. I was too afraid to tell you that I loved you and needed you. Even when the opportunity presented itself. So what could I do? Well, I went back to DC, to the hell I called my life, and tried not to think of you. It didn't work. It never did. I lay awake almost every night. And the nights I did sleep I was haunted with nightmares of the horrible things I'd cause to happen to you. So I stayed in my self induced agony and watched you from afar, silently praying to a god I didn't have any faith in to bring you back to me. And then what did I see? Was it even what I think it was? Could you do that to me? Jesus, Scully......I don't know if I can ever tell you how much it hurt when I saw *him*.......with you......... And then, well, then my life didn't seem to matter at all. I almost died that night. I wish to god I had, so many times. But I didn't. Instead, here I lay, in a fucking hospital bed.. a psychiatric ward no less.....waiting to die. And wishing to god I could see your face one more time before I do. Please Scully........... Don't go. Please come home to me. Stay with me. Please....... ~~ ~~ December 4, 1998 FBI Pathology Lab, San Diego "Well, well, well... Scully FBI." Scully turned at the familiar voice and came face to face with the warm, caring smile of Detective Kresge. Memories of Emily flooded her mind, but she pushed them away and returned his friendly smile. "Detective Kresge. It's nice to see you again." "Michael," He corrected. "So, Scully FBI, what are you doing in our neck of the woods?" "Dana," She corrected in kind. "I work here now." He raised his eyebrows slightly. "What happened to your partner?" "Long story." Scully said, her smile faltering slightly. "So, why are you here?" She asked, quickly changing the subject. "That's my vic you're about to slice open. The Bureau took over one of my cases." He said, shrugging. Scully nodded and they both paused in a slightly uncomfortable silence. Finally, Kresge spoke again. "Punch me if I'm being too brazen, but would you like to have dinner with me tonight?" Scully hesitated for only a split second before answering. "I'd love to." ~~ ~~ Outside Scully's Apartment, San Diego 9:58pm Mulder said, slumped behind the wheel of his Lariat rental car, staring at the door to Scully's apartment. Her new building was nothing like her old one. It was an open, summery courtyard; vintage Southern California. Sighing, he pressed the heel of his hand against his forehead, trying to relieve some of the pressure his headache was creating. He glanced at his watch and sighed again. Where the hell was she? The he reminded himself that it *was* Friday night. Maybe she had a date. It had been a little over two weeks since he'd seen Scully up in Loleta. He hadn't been expecting to hear her voice when the California Highway Patrolman had handed him a cell phone through the car window. Hearing her voice again had shot a bolt of pain through his heart. But seeing her... God, she was even more beautiful that he'd remembered. The breeze coming in off the Pacific had feathered her hair around her face, and he hadn't been able to resist the urge to brush that silken fire out of her eyes. The second he touched her, he knew. He had to tell her.... But, back to D.C. he had gone. Back to his *partner*... Diana... With Scully gone, Kersh had decided that he and Diana should work together again. So, basically, he was in hell. Not that he and Diana didn't work well together, they did. But, it was so completely different for him. For six years he'd had to work, proving his theories to a skeptical, but always willing to listen, partner. But, Diana... she just agreed with everything he said, offering no alternate explanations. God only knows how many leads they could miss that way. It was driving him crazy. He and Diana were of the same mind... but Scully was his missing piece, his other half... his better half. He knew, standing on that desolate highway in Loleta that he needed her, and he knew now that he had to tell her... his better half. His better half who, he noted, was *still* not home at 10:13 this breezy December evening. He looked up from checking his watch for the fifth time in as many minutes to see a car pull up in front of the complex. A car with two occupants. The driver opened his door, triggering the dome light, and Mulder saw the passenger, her red hair shimmering in the soft light. Scully. The man, obviously her date, opened the door, offered her his hand - which she took, smiling - and helped her out of the car. He smiled down at her and it dawned on Mulder that he *knew* the man. Detective Fucking Kresge. Mulder seethed for a moment. He'd seen the way Kresge had gawked at Scully last year, but he'd never thought Scully would accept his advances. But, looking intently at the "couple" at Scully's door he could see that she was definitely accepting. ~~ ~~ "I had fun tonight, Dana." Kresge said, wrapping his arms around Scully's waist. Scully smiled and nodded, resting her hands lightly on his shoulders. She looked up into his eyes and realized that he was going to kiss her. She also realized that she was going to let him. He brought one hand up to her face and gently cupped her chin, raising her lips to meet his in a soft, warm kiss. A surge of emotions flooded through her, shame, guilt, fear, excitement... but above them all was a deep longing. It had been so long, *so long*, since anyone had kissed her like this, made her feel wanted, desired. Mulder didn't want her, didn't love her. Not anymore. The kiss broke and Scully looked up at him, forcing herself not to regret the words she was about to say. "Michael..." She whispered. "Come inside." He simply nodded and followed her into her apartment, had Scully turned, or chanced a look out her window, she would have seen a heartbroken Mulder slam his car into drive and speed away. ~~ ~~ Saturday, December 5, 1998 7:34am Scully stretched and rolled over, willing herself to go back to sleep. Maybe if she was asleep, should wouldn't have to remember last night. She wouldn't have to remember how good it felt to have a man's warm body pressing against her again... his hands touching her, caressing her bare skin. She also wouldn't have to remember the hurt look on his face when she'd pushed him away, apologized, and painfully explained that she couldn't... she was in love with another man. She had walked him to the door, unable to look into his eyes until his hand gently touching her cheek had curbed her embarrassment. "So, does your ex-partner know what a lucky man he is?" Scully blinked at him, and then let a sad chuckle escape her lips. "It's complicated." He'd nodded and then placed a gentle, chaste kiss on her lips. "Goodnight, Scully FBI..." Opening her eyes, she got out of bed and resigned herself to another day alone. ~~ ~~ 9 hours earlier... Mulder slammed his car into drive and raced away from Scully's complex. His brain was working on auto-pilot. He only thought was that Scully - *his* Scully - was sleeping with another man. He unconsciously pressed his foot down harder on the accelerator and the car surged forward, now speeding down the Pacific Coast Highway at an alarming 95 miles per hour. Looking ahead, he *saw* the sharp right turn coming, he could see the curb and the palm tree lined curve, but his frantic mind did not react soon enough. He felt the world suddenly shift as the car jumped the median and jackknifed into a restaurant parking lot. The dust around him slowly settled and his got out of the car on shaky legs. His insides churning, he raced to a bush and emptied the contents of his stomach onto the ground. Turning he wandered aimlessly past the restaurant - "Rubens" he noted, wondering if that was where Kresge had taken Scully - and down an incline to a small strip of beach. Slumping to the ground he sat, staring at the water until he could no longer differentiate the tears on his face from the salty spray of the Pacific. ~~ ~~ 1999 See, I almost died that night. I still wish I had, you'd be safe if I had. I've been here for a while now. I think it's nearly August. They tied me down to a bed after I attacked Skinner. Granted, I was almost lucid at the time. Keep a secret, Scully? I slipped him a note. I want him to help me. I need him to help me. So, now all I can do it wait. Wait and think... And remember... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TO BE CONTINUED... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Coming Soon... Part 2, "Chasm 02 - The Rift" Mulder, taking Scully's appearance of betrayal to heart, makes a decision that could cause irreparable damage to his relationship with her. Title: "Chasm 02 - The Rift" Authors: Cassie and Shanda Weeks E-mail: Samantha0223@hotmail.com & ShanaGail26@hotmail.com Rating: NC-17 Category: MSR, RST, MAJOR A, Violence Keywords: Alternate Universe - in other words, it tracks "The End" and "FTF", but then spins off into our own little tangent! Spoilers: "Biogenesis", "The Sixth Extinction", "TSE: Amor Fati" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I've got my heart, but my heart's no good And you're the only one that's understood... ...The more I give to you the more I die And I want you, and I want you And I want you, and I want you You are the perfect drug The perfect drug, the perfect drug... ...Without you, without you Everything falls apart." ~ Nine Inch Nails - "The Perfect Drug" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Monday, December 7, 1998 FBI Headquarters Basement Office 8:35am Mulder walked tiredly into his office, which *still* smelled faintly of smoke, and took off his jacket; tossing it carelessly onto Diana's desk. Yes, Diana had a desk - she also had her name on the door. Mulder had returned from California in November to find her all moved in and comfy. It was annoying the shit out of him. Plopping down in front of his computer he entertained the idea of typing out another letter of resignation. Kersh would love that. The door opened before he could deliberate further and Diana walked in, carrying two steaming cups of coffee. "Good morning, Fox." She said brightly, handing him one of the cups. "So, what's on the table for today?" Mulder remained silent for a moment, watching Diana flit around the room. "What happened to us, Diana?" He asked quietly. "I don't know what you mean." She replied, turning away from him. "We used to be so happy. I thought we were in love. I have to ask myself - why did you marry me if you had no intention of sticking around." "I had every intention, until - " "Until you got an offer you couldn't refuse." Diana turned to him and nodded sadly. "I never *wanted* to hurt you, but when the chance to work in Foreign Counterterrorism - in Europe, no less - presented itself... I had to take it, Fox. I'd hoped you would understand... and may I please remind you that *you* divorced *me*. Not the other way around." She snapped. "You left me. I just made it official." Her said bitterly. Somewhere in his subconscious he knew he was playing a dangerous game. It wouldn't take much to get Diana back into his bed. He didn't love her, he knew he never really did - but right now he just wanted to dull the pain of Scully's betrayal. Apparently, Diana took the hint and she looked at him with a new understanding in her eyes. "I never stopped loving you, Fox." She said, walking slowly toward him. "I know that." He said, standing and moving to meet her. He moved closer, backing her slowly into the filing cabinets. She let out a small whimper and her breathing increased. "Fox," She whispered, running her fingers up his chest, "Fox I -" "Shh. Don't talk." He ordered before leaning forward and forcing his tongue into her mouth. She tasted just as he remembered - cold, plain, and utterly empty. She moaned into his mouth as his hands ran up and down her body, groping and kneading her mercilessly. She laced one hand through his hair and let the other slide down, further... further, until she encountered - Her eyes shot open and she stared at him, confused. "Fox? What's wrong?" He stepped back, more resigned than embarrassed or frustrated. "I'm sorry." He mumbled, his voice low. "I - I can't do this." "Why not?" She whined. "Because I don't love you!" He shouted, startling her. "I just don't fucking love you." He whispered. Without looking at her, he abruptly turned and left the office. ~ Mulder wandered aimlessly around for a long time. Finally, when his feet refused to go any further he looked up to see where he was. A small pain filled laugh escaped his throat as he took in his surroundings. He stood beside the reflecting pool at the Mall, near *their* bench. He sank wearily down and allowed his head to fall into his hands. What a fucking week he'd had. He had finally gotten the courage to go to Scully. And for once, for once he had actually gone through with it. He'd flown to San Diego, waited for her, and then..... His stomach clenched at the memory and he felt the hot sting of tears in his eyes. He needed her so much. How could she sleep with.....*him*? And why could he not? He shook his head and rose wearily, his feet acting as if they knew right where they were going even if his brain was oblivious. When he took the time to again notice where he was the tears he'd been fighting began to flow steadily down his cheeks. Her apartment. Well, her old apartment. Someone else lived there now. He could see the shadow behind the blinds from where he stood. Something he couldn't name filled his soul and he felt a wave of nausea wash over him. God, what had he done? He'd forced her into the arms of another man. He'd sent her away, not returned her phone calls.....he had abandoned the only person in his life he would ever love. Suddenly he was sure that he would never be able to survive without her. Without too much resistance, his heart took over his actions and he started quickly toward the bus stop. He had to go home, call her. He had to tell her. Maybe it wasn't too late. Maybe, somewhere deep inside, she still felt enough for him for it to matter. Maybe. And that became his mantra as he made his way back to his lonely apartment. *********** Fox Mulder's apartment 1 hour later Mulder stood in front of the phone, his hand on the receiver. He had been standing here for the past ten minutes, trying to get the courage up to call her. With a frustrated sigh he finally lifted the receiver and with shaky hands punched in the number he had already memorized even though he had never called it. His heart was pounding in his chest as he listened to the ringing on the other end. Then her voice came over the line. He recognized instantly that she was upset and felt his heart constrict. "Scully," she mumbled through a tear filled voice. "Hey, Scully. It's me," Mulder whispered softly. For the space of a heartbeat she didn't make any noise at all. Mulder couldn't breathe as he waited for her reply. When it came, he felt a little piece of his heart whither up and die. "What do *you* want?" she asked briskly, her voice instantly turning cold and unforgiving. "Did your little *partner* finally decide to let you get some rest?" Mulder stood there, stunned. What the hell was she talking about?! "Scully? What are you--?" He never got to finish the thought as she interrupted him, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "Look, Mulder, whatever little fantasy you want me to traipse along on, or whatever mess you're in now I'm not interested. I WILL NOT stand around and watch you flaunt your new partner i n my face. So just, please.....don't ever call me again." The soft click informed him that she had hung up on him. He stood there numbly, staring at the phone in his hand, feeling like a part of his soul was dying. What the hell was she talking about? He only moved when he felt the warm splash of his tears against his hand that still clutched the phone. He slowly moved back to the couch and collapsed. Then the flood gates opened and he felt the tears streaming down his face as the sobs began to wrack his body. She was gone. She had told him never to call her. It was over. He had blown the only relationship in his life that had ever mattered. He had driven the one person he couldn't live without away from him. He curled into a ball on his couch and allowed the tears to fall, only ceasing when he drifted into an exhausted slumber. ********************** 1999 I had no idea what had just happened, Scully. What the fuck? All I wanted was to tell you how much I loved you. To beg you to come home. But you never gave me the opportunity. And I didn't have a clue what the fuck you were talking about. I was so hurt. And then angry. How the hell could you do that to me? I hadn't done anything to you. *You* were the one that had broken our trust. You were the one that was sleeping with another man. *I* never betrayed you, Scully. I *never* gave myself to anyone else after you. And I was the one that was wrong?! I couldn't believe it. So, I turned all that hurt, and self pity, and longing, and rage and channeled it at you. At you because I didn't know who else to blame. I had no idea why you were so mad at me. At least not then. So I stayed angry at you for as long as I could, and then I just turned bitter. Bitter because I couldn't have the only thing I truly wanted in life anymore. Nothing else seemed to matter to me without you. Not even Samantha. It was over. It was over because I had let it be over. But you let it be too, Scully. You backed away from me and didn't even bother to ask me. Hell, you never even explained yourself! You just took her word for it. After all the times you've told me not to trust her and you did. With the biggest thing in both our lives. I am almost disappointed in you that you had so little faith in me. But then, I had very little faith in you too. I am just as guilty. I know. Now, I know what I didn't know all those months ago. I know that she lied to you. And I know, that deep down in your heart, you must believe that. Or I don't think you would be doing what you are now. But still, Scully.... God, it still hurts that you could've believed that I would really do that. Granted I tried, but it was only in retaliation for what I thought I saw. Now I'm not sure that it was what it looked like. I don't suppose it matters. All that matter now is that I love you. Yes, Scully. After all this time, you are still my one weakness. I love you more that I will ever be able to tell you. And I'm so sorry that you have believed that I betrayed you. I never will. I know now that I never could. You are all that I will ever need. ***************** Monday, Dec. 7, 1998 Diana watched in stunned silence as Mulder hastily left the office. She had heard something in his voice. It wasn't embarrassment, it wasn't even disappointment. It was disgust. She was shaking. How dare he?! Well, he wasn't going to get away with it! With an evil smirk she grabbed her purse and started out the door, headed for his apartment. She would show him. She would follow him and then he would be hers. She would make sure he couldn't refuse her this time. ****************** 45 minutes later Fox Mulder's apartment She stood in the living room, frowning. This was not going according to plan. He wasn't here. She sighed and thought about waiting for him. No, he wasn't really worth it, she decided. She had turned to leave when the phone started to ring. She froze, waiting for the machine to pick up. "Hey it's Mulder. Leave a message after the beep" "Mulder?" Scully's voice asked tentatively. Diana's eyes lit up and a look of understanding spread across her lips. She made a mad lunge for the phone and answered it breathlessly. "Hello?' "Um...who is this?" Scully asked softly, her ears already recognizing the familiar voice on the other end of the line. She felt her heart drop out of her chest. "This is Diana. Who is this?' Diana persisted, trying to hide the smile that was in her voice. "Um....this is Scully, I...um...I was just looking for Mulder," Scully managed to stammer out. She could feel her heart breaking as she listened to the woman on the other end of the line. "Oh....well," Diana purred, "Fox is still asleep. I guess I wore him out," she added with a suggestive tone. Scully couldn't talk. She tried to whisper something about going, but wasn't sure Diana had heard. It didn't matter. She had to go now. She quickly hung up the phone. Diana smiled when she heard the sound of the phone disconnecting. "That should teach you to play with me, Fox Mulder," she hissed into the silent room, her voice mocking. "You and your little slut." ******************* Scully's apartment Scully hung up the phone and sank down on her couch. She felt numb all over, but especially in her heart. This wasn't supposed to happen. She had saved herself for him, had finally decided that she could take that final leap and tell him how she felt. And then *Diana* had answered his phone. Scully's mind refused to process any more on that subject. Fox was asleep, she wore him out. Diana's voice echoed in Scully's head. The images before her eyes began to swim with the tears pooling there. She tried to steady her breathing and keep the tears from falling. But it proved to be a losing battle. With an anguished sob she stood and stumbled into her bedroom. She moved blindly, trying desperately to rid herself of the image of Mulder, lost in the throes of passion, wrapped around Diana Fowely. She felt literally ill. With rubbery legs she stumbled into the bathroom and emptied her stomach into the toilet. Then she sank wearily down in the floor and rocked back and forth, trying to calm her breathing until exhaustion finally claimed her. She awoke for her fitful slumber to the ringing of the phone. Once she reached it, her hand hovered for a moment. She could almost feel him on the other end of the line. "Scully." She answered, her voice betraying her tears. "Hey, Scully. It's me." Came the familiar reply. She waited a split second before hardening her heart and mustering the courage to speak. "What do *you* want?" Did your little *partner* finally decide to give you a break?" She asked, hoping Mulder hadn't heard her voice break on the word partner. "Scully?" He asked, a note of confusion in his voice. She supposed he didn't like being caught. "What are you - " She cut him off, knowing she wouldn't be able to bear hearing his excuses. "Look, Mulder, whatever little fantasy you want me to traipse along on, or whatever mess you're in now, I'm not interested. I *will not* stand around and watch you flaunt your new partner in my face." She took a breath and prepared herself for the hardest words she'd ever had to say. "So, just, please... don't ever call me again." She hung up the phone, ripped the cord out of the wall and sank into her desk chair, cradling her aching head in her hands. ~ 2 Months later... Valentines Day, 1999 Frohike finally opened the door and let Mulder in. Turning, he relocked the door's eight locks and turned to Mulder. "What's so urgent that it couldn't wait until morning? I had the day from hell yesterday, ever been in a decontamination shower, Frohike?" Mulder asked angrily. "Not recently, and we already know all that." Frohike said. ulder looked at him suspiciously. "We have our sources, okay? But, look - we uh.. we were worried so we called her and she took the red-eye out here." "Her... she?" Mulder asked, already having a pretty good idea who they were talking about. "Mulder?" Came a tentative voice from behind him. He turned, and there she was, looking every bit as beautiful as he remembered. He couldn't speak. After two months... after 'please, never call me again.' why was she here? "I'll ask you to hear me out before you launch any objection... Mulder, I asked them to pull up everything they could on Diana Fowley." Mulder frowned. Not a word for over two months, and *this* is what she'd come to him with? "I don't have time for this." "Mulder, she's playing you for a fool." "I know her, Scully. You don't." "You knew her. You don't anymore. I think we can prove it to you." Mulder listened as Scully and the Gunmen went over Diana's history, or lack thereof for the last eight years. Europe, purged travel records, trips to Tunisia, MUFON logs that showed her collecting data on the female abductees. Scully tried to tell him that she was hiding the data, but Mulder refused to hear it. She had tried to see Cassandra, but Diana hadn't even let her onto the premises. Mulder remained unconvinced, so Scully played the only card she had left in the deck. "Mulder, ask yourself why there is no information whatsoever about Special Agent Diana Fowley. Why she would suddenly happen into your life when you are closer than ever to the truth. I mean, you ask me to trust no one, and yet you trust her on simple faith." "Because you've given me no reason to do otherwise." Mulder said sharply. The guys looked around, embarrassed and hurting for Scully, who turned away from Mulder, feeling her heart break. "Well, then, I can't help you anymore." She said, moving quickly toward the exit. "Scully, you're making this personal." She stopped dead in her tracks, turning slowly to face him, "Because it *is* personal Mulder. Because without the X-Files, personal interest is all I have. And if you take that away..." She paused, wiping away an unexpected tear, "and if you take that away, there is no reason for me to continue." She turned and unlocked the locks in record time, practically flying out the door. Mulder threw a glance over his shoulder and reeled back from the death glares he was getting from the Gunmen. Panicking, he raced outside and caught Scully's arm in the alley. "Wait, Scully... please... tell me what you're thinking." He pleaded. "Don't touch me!" She shouted, trying to pull away from him. Instead of letting her go, he desperately pulled her close to him, folding her struggling body into his arms. "I'm sorry, Scully. Please don't go... I love you..." She froze at his words, and he took the opportunity to lean down and crush his mouth to hers. Scully struggled for only a moment before surrendering to the passion of his kiss. The only thought swirling through her mind was that Mulder loved her. He'd finally *said* that he loved her. But, then - her rational mind took over and she remembered Diana answering his phone. She remembered Crying out against his lips she pulled back and delivered a right cross to his left cheek. Mulder stumbled back into the brick wall, more from shock than the force of the blow. He watched helplessly, still too shocked to do anything, as she walked away. He finally stood back up straight and shook his head. This was all so wrong. Something was really, really wrong with this picture. For just a second there he'd thought she wanted to kiss him. She had responded to him, to his words and his actions. So what the hell happened that made her leave again. He didn't know, but he was damn sure going to find out. Without really thinking about it he turned on his heel and headed for his car. There was only one person that could tell him what was going on. The one person that seemed to be at the root of all his problems these days, even if he didn't like it. He had to know for sure. He had to go to Diana's and find out the truth. For once, he would make her tell him the truth. ********* 1999 Jesus, I was such a jerk, Scully. I wish I could tell you that. You were here today. I know you didn't think I could hear you, but I could. I heard you tell me to hold on, that you needed me to hold on. I'm trying, Scully. I swear I'm trying. But it's so hard. I never found my truth that night. My truth walked away from me in an alley outside the gunmen's lair. And being the profound jackass that I am I let it walk away. You are my truth, Scully. You always have been. Even if I never told you. Even if you never know....you have always been the only thing in my life that was good and true. Something's wrong....I don't know what, but something is wrong. I think I'm slipping away. I felt you leave earlier and it felt like someone was severing the only tie I had left to this world. Please tell me you didn't leave me again. I'm confused. I don't know where I'm at anymore. Sometimes I think I'm actually walking around. But I can't be, can I? I was in the hospital. But then I'm with him. That little boy. He's so frustrated. I can't help him. I don't even know how to help myself. This isn't right. He can't be here. Can he? SCULLY! God, baby, please don't leave me..... Scully, where are you? I can't feel you anymore. I could always feel you. Even when you were in Africa. I could still feel you. Where are you? Have I truly lost you? Did you give up on me? Is it really over? This isn't right. It can't be. That bastard....he came here. Well, maybe he did. I don't know anymore. I can't seem to decide what is real and what isn't. He told me to come with him. Should I? Is it real? Can I really go with him? It's all I have left, so.... Okay...now I'm really confused. What the hell is going on h ere? I saw Diana. I mean, I think I did. But I wasn't in the hospital anymore. Or was I? Or maybe Diana was just in my mind and I am still in the hospital. I thought I went with him. T hat's what I tried to do. Something doesn't feel right. What the fuck?! Where the hell am I? This place looks so real. But this can't be right. It can't be. Can it? Jesus! Look at this place. At these people. Deep Throat... Samantha....Christ this can't be real. Can it? Scully, where are you? I need you here. I want you to be my life. That's what this is. At least that's what he said. My life. They are giving me my life back. All the people I lost are here. How did they get here. They welcome me back and I feel as though I've finally truly come home. But... But something doesn't feel right. It's just not right. What am I missing? I can't seem to remember, but I know that there is something that should be here that isn't. Or is it someone? I feel lost...and extremely content at the same time. How is that? I think I know why, though. It's all I've ever wanted. Samantha...a real life...a family. Yeah, as strange as that sounds even to me, I have a family here. A wife...Diana....why does that cause such pain in my heart? I could just get lost here and never worry again. Maybe that's what I should do. Maybe that would be the best. Let the pain and hurt from whatever the past was and let this perfect life truly be mine. But... Again, something seems to not be right. How can this be right? There was something else...someone else.... I can't remember. I can't remember why it is that I feel so alone in the midst of all these people that I care about. So.... So, I should just let go and enjoy this life. The life I never thought I'd get to have. The life they took away from me as a child... And yet, it is these same people that have given it back to me. Why? Why does that not sound right even to my own willing heart? I want to believe. I want it so bad. The truth. Could this really be the truth? And if it is why do I feel like all these people are lying to me? I wish that I could truly know the truth before I die. But I know that's not possible. I am lying here in my death bed, an old man. I lived a full and happy life. I did let go...I did leave the past and choose to hold on to the only happiness I was ever offered. Even if it was from the people that had originally taken my happiness. My happiness... Why do I still feel so hollow? Why is this happiness that I thought I had lived seem to be falling apart around me? Where is my ever elusive truth? I am not sure, but I feel as though I have been cheated out of something. And yet, here I am...lived to an old age and dying peacefully in my own bed. But it's not right. It can't be right. Can it? Oh god! Now I remember. Scully. You're finally here with me. Where have you been? It was you I looked for all those times. You that always seemed to be missing from my life. You that my heart was trying to tell me I was missing. What...? A coward... Yes, I know. I always was, Scully. I was always so afraid of you. Of what you are to me. A traitor? Scully, how...? But maybe you are right. I did betray the truth I so desperately was seeking. I turned my back on that and so much more all for the sake of my happiness. So, yes, maybe I am. I have to die. I'm old. Too old to fight any more, Scully. I know. I can hear the sounds of the approaching devil outside my window. But, Scully, what can I do? I am too old to fight anymore. I have to leave now.... I need to leave now.... Why won't you let me go? Scully.....Scully.....Scully... Don't want to leave you. Don't want to be away from you anymore. I need you. Please... You telling me that I'm a coward and a traitor. That I can't die. Why not? I need to. My body wants to let go. But... Wait! Something is wrong. What is it? What is it that is tugging at my mind, telling me to open my eyes. Telling me to wake up. You have to wake up now. "Mulder, help me..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TO BE CONTINUED... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Title: Chasm 03 - Healing the Breech Authors: Cassie and Shanda Weeks E-mail: Samantha0223@hotmail.com or ShanaGail26@hotmail.com Rating: NC-17 Spoilers: "Amor Fati" Keywords: Alternate Universe Archive: Gossamer, Haven, Fred & Ginger - yes. Anyone else, please let us know first. Disclaimer: Not ours - lines used directly from "One Son", "TSE", and "TSE: Amor Fati" are property of CC, 1013, and FOX. (And David, he co-wrote "Amor Fati") ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 3 days later D.C. General "You're sure?" "She was there, Scully. Hiding behind a mask, but she was there." Mulder whispered. Scully shook her head, not in denial, but thought. "I'm just glad I found you. I knew - I knew you weren't really dying, but I also knew They wouldn't let you live." She leaned forward and laced her fingers with his. "Scully... we have a lot to talk about you know. More that just Albert and Diana's part in my disappearance." "You don't have to explain anything to me." She said, looking away. "Yes - I do." He whispered, lifting her hand to his lips and kissing it gently. "That day you called - back in December... I know Diana answered the phone, and I know what she led you to believe." She looked back at him, hope shining through the pain in her eyes. "I didn't sleep with her, Scully. I wasn't even there when you called." She closed her eyes and nodded. Mulder breathed deeply and continued. "I kissed her, once - but I just couldn't bring myself to sleep with her - and I only kissed her in the first place because I thought you - " He broke off and her eyebrows shot up. "You thought I what?" She asked softly. "I came to see you a couple weeks after that case with Crump. Just before that phone call actually. I was going to tell you that I love you. I was going to ask you to come back to me." Scully stared at him, trying to pinpoint the night he was talking about. Realization dawned on her and she shook her head violently. "God, Mulder... I didn't sleep with Kresge - I couldn't." "I know." He said and she cocked her head to the side. "Before - when my mind was so... active - you came to me, told me to hold on, and I could hear you. Your mind spoke to me, Scully. And I know you still love me." He reached up and gently brushed her tears away. "Actually, there's only one thing I don't know." "What?" She murmured. "I can't stop thinking about the first night we were together. You made me so happy that night. But, I still don't know why you left. Why you pretended it didn't happen." "Mulder... I - I can't do this just yet. I'm not ready - I need time. Please?" He nodded, not wanting to push her away. "Take all the time you need. You know I'll wait for you." ~~ ~~ 4 days later Mulder's Apartment Building "Hey." Mulder said, only slightly surprised to find Scully standing in his doorway. "I was just getting dressed to come see you, but I couldn't find a tie to go with my victory cap." He said, grinning and tipping his hat slightly. "Mulder, no work." She warned, taking off his hat and pulling at his tie. "Why don't you go back to bed." "Hey - tie goes to the runner." He joked, coaxing a small smile from his partner. "Scully," he began, his tone now serious, "I was coming down to work to tell you that Albert Hosteen is dead. He died last night, in New Mexico. He'd been in a coma for two weeks there's - no way he could have been in your apartment." "Mulder - he was *there*. We prayed together. I - I don't believe that, it's impossible." She insisted. "Is it any more impossible that what you saw in Africa? Or what you saw in me?" "I don't know what to believe anymore." She whispered. "Mulder, I was so determined to find a cure to save you - that I could deny what it was that I saw." She choked on the words as she fought back the tears. "And now I don't even know - I don't know what the truth is, I don't know who to listen to, I don't know who to trust." She paused for a moment, and tried to compose herself. "Diana Fowley was found murdered this morning." She said quietly, and he looked up at her, more saddened by the waste than surprised. "I never trusted her, but she helped save your life, just as much as I did. She gave me that book. It was her key that led me to you. I'm so sorry, I know that she was your friend." She stepped forward, wrapping her arms around his neck and he held her tightly. Too little, too late, he thought. Considering Diana's attempt at redemption. He whispered to his partner gently. "Scully, I was like you once. I didn't know who to trust. And I chose another path. Another life, another fate where I found my sister. The end of my world was unrecognizable and upside down, but there was one thing that remained the same." He pulled back and cupped her face in his hands, his eyes showing her the depth of his emotions. "You were my friend, and you told me the truth." She smiled and brought her hand up to grip his. "Even when the world was falling apart, you were my constant. My touchstone." "And you are mine." She whispered, watching him smile and nod. Leaning forward, she pressed her lips to his forehead as he caressed her face lightly. She pulled back, replaced his hat and ran her fingers over his face, brushing her thumbs over his full lips. She stepped back, fully prepared to retreat down the hall to the relative emotional safety of the elevator, when Mulder's hand encircled her wrist. "Stay." "Mulder..." "Stay." Nodding, she followed him inside. The doctor in her rose to the surface as he leaned slightly against the entrance to his living room. "C'mon, Mulder. You're not strong enough to be moving around this much. Go back to bed, okay?" "Come with me." "Mulder..." "Please. I haven't slept well since - since I slept with you in my arms. I want that back, Scully. I need it back." "Mulder, it's the middle of the day." She protested, but the small smile that curved her lips prompted him to continue. "Yeah - when's the last time you just took a nap, Scully?" He asked playfully, already heading into the bedroom. He stripped down to his boxers and curled up on one side of the bed, watching as she came in, stripped down as well and then grabbed his blue shirt, watching him as she deliberately buttoned it around herself. "My clothes look a hell of a lot better on you." He grumbled good-naturedly. His voice dropped to a whisper, sending shivers down her spine. "Come to bed..." She slipped between the sheets, already warmed by his body heat, and rolled toward him. He wrapped her in his arms and she nestled against his chest. "I can hear your heart beating." She murmured. "You know - it's beating for you. Because of you." He whispered, threading his fingers into her hair. "I love you." He said, almost inaudibly. She smiled against his chest and they both drifted into a comfortable slumber. ~~ three hours later... Scully woke up to the feeling of Mulder's fingers lightly stroking her back. She kept her eyes closed, trying to keep her breathing even so he wouldn't know she was awake just yet. She knew when she woke up they were gonna have to have that talk she'd been avoiding. She wasn't sure yet what she was going to say. Finally she sighed and raised her head to meet Mulder's eyes. The look in his soft hazel eyes told her that he had already known she was awake. "Scully, we need to talk about some things," he said carefully, his voice low. She bit her lip nervously but nodded her head. He was right. They had to do this now or it would never get done. "Mulder, I - I just don't know what to say," she admitted finally. Mulder studied her closely for a moment, his hand coming up to tangle into her hair. "Then let me say something, Scully," he whispered. At her slight nod he continued. "I think you already know that I love you. But if you didn't...I *do* love you, Scully. I have been so hopelessly in love with you for years that I couldn't see straight. And for so long I denied what I felt, called it anything but what it was. And then -- " his voice broke slightly and he had to clear his throat before he could go on. "And then, they burned our office down. I thought I'd finally lost everything when I pushed you away and left. I wandered around all night, sat at our bench for a while." His voice got really low and he looked away from her shyly. "I was amazed that you were here. I never believed that you'd come back after the way I acted." Scully drew a deep breath and tried to fight the tears that were forming in her eyes. "But, Mulder, I never left. And I knew you needed to get away. It hurt that you would leave me alone, but I think on some level I really did understand." Mulder shook his head, his eyes once again meeting hers. She was shocked at the emotion showing in his hazel depths. "But I didn't want to leave you alone. I just didn't know if you wanted me to stay with you. I was never sure. And then, you were here and all I wanted was to hold onto you forever and make love to you." He stopped to draw a deep breath, a single tear escaping from his eye. "And then you were gone and you didn't explain or anything, you just acted like it never happened. I was so confused...I loved you so much and I thought you..I mean, I thought that was why..." he broke off, too upset to continue. Scully just stared at him for a long time. She had never known how her actions had affected him. She'd never asked, and he was right, she'd pretended that it hadn't happened. Oh, when she was alone it was all she could think about, but she never let him know that. And because he never brought it up she just assumed that he wanted to forget it. But, looking into his pain-filled gaze she knew that she had hurt him terribly with her decision. And she'd been wrong. "Mulder," Scully started uncertainly. "I think I owe you an explanation." She paused and looked up at him, her heart pounding somewhere in the vicinity of her throat. "I was afraid...after everything that had happened, you were so upset and you never mentioned anything, just laid there. I was so scared that I was losing you." Her breath caught on a soft sob and she struggled for a moment with the lump in her throat. Mulder was watching her intently, his whole being focused on Scully. Everything he was depended on what she said here today. "And then you were kissing me. And god, I wanted it so much. I wanted you. But I wanted *you*, and not the shadow that had been present since we found the office." She studied him closely, trying to decide if he understood. When she was satisfied she continued softly. "I wanted to believe that I could give you that, but you still seemed so much removed from the situation. I thought that maybe you just needed to be touched, to be reminded that you were alive." She winced when she saw the flash of hurt that swept across his face. "And I wanted to give that to you," she hurried to finish. "But, Scully, I -" Mulder began, but she cut him off. "I know, Mulder," she said, shaking her head slowly. "I know. But I didn't know then." She paused and took a deep breath. This was it, this was where she had to say those words she'd been so afraid to say. "I loved you so much, had been for so long, that I gave you what I thought we both needed that night, without trying to figure out what your motives were. And then I was too ashamed and...and scared to ask you," she choked out. Mulder reached out to her and pulled her gently against his chest. "Oh, Scully," he sighed softly, nuzzling his nose into her hair. Scully allowed herself to be held for a moment, then she pushed away and looked him in the eye again, determined to get out everything she wanted to say. "And then so much time went by and it just go harder to talk about and easier to ignore. And then Dallas.... and all the things that happened there." She unconsciously reached her hand out and caressed the side of his head, her eyes drifting far away in a memory. "It was then that I realized...that I allowed myself to see that I was truly in love with you. And that you loved me too." She shook her head, a rueful smile on her lips. "But by then you had decided to get rid of me, and so..." she trailed off, glancing away from him. Mulder sat still and watched her. He couldn't believe what he'd just heard. All this time, all the things that happened, all a result of misunderstandings and bad timing. Pretty typical of their entire relationship though. "I'm so sorry, Scully. I was such a jerk. And you were right, I was a coward too. But Jesus, Scully...when I saw you in that thing in Antarctica...I thought you were dead. I was so terrified, bone numbingly frightened. I knew that I could never live if you were gone. If I lost you to this crusade my life has become I would never be able to go on." He shook his head, tears brimming in his eyes. "I only wanted to protect you. I thought if I could get you away from me you'd be safe and I could live with knowing that you were at least okay. But, Scully, I couldn't do that. I discovered that when I sent you away, I also sent away a part of my soul. A part I couldn't live without and I needed you to come back so bad. But I was too afraid to tell you that. I was so afraid that you didn't care anymore." Scully smiled softly at him through her tears. She had a few more things to say. "Mulder, I was so in love with you. I am still so much in love with you that it hurts me. And after everything that we've been through, I have finally decided that I have to act on that love. Because someday we won't have any more chances," she finished quietly. Mulder knew exactly what she meant. They had almost lost each other so many times. It needed to be out in the open, finally. "I love you, Scully," he whispered. "I want you to come home to me. Please say you'll come home to me to stay," he pleaded softly. Scully bit back the soft sob that rose up in her throat and smiled at him. "Oh, Mulder," she sighed. "I love you too. And I'm not going anywhere. This is where I belong." Mulder knitted his brow and looked at her. "What about the position in San Diego. What will you do?" Scully bit her lip and glanced away, but Mulder caught the faint blush that crept up her neck. "I..um,...well, I already changed jobs and moved," she admitted quietly. Mulder gasped and looked at her closely. "What will you do?" he questioned, just as quietly. "I've been reassigned to the DC office in the Bureau," she answered. Mulder raised his eyebrows at her. She was being evasive. "Okay, give, Scully," he prodded and she grinned mischievously at him. "I have been assigned to field duty on the x-files team... with you." Mulder stared at her for a long moment, trying to process what she'd said. "I - Did you say..." "Yes, I did, Mulder," Scully interrupted him, grinning. Mulder shook his head slowly. "But how?" "Well, it took a little string pulling," she admitted. "But I had some friends that I didn't even know I had apparently and they reassigned us to the x-files together." She stopped and looked at him for a moment. "You...you don't mind did you?" she asked carefully. Mulder smiled at her and she thought it was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. "Of course I don't Scully," he answered. "I'm just surprised, that's all." He was silent for a moment and then he reached out and gently brushed his fingers across her cheek. "Are you sure this is what you want, Scully? You know me, you know all the self absorbed pin headed things that I can do on a regular basis to get myself in trouble. Are you sure you want to have that?" Scully reached up and captured his hand in hers, bringing his fingertips to her lips. "Mulder," she whispered, her voice quivering slightly. "I love you. My place is here, beside you. This is where I need to be, where I want to be, and the *only* place I could ever live and be happy." Mulder couldn't hold back any more. When her soft words penetrated his brain he pulled her roughly up against his chest and buried his face in her hair, allowing his tears to finally fall. It was finally over. He had finally found his truth and he was finally whole. They held each other tightly for a long time, both unwilling to let go for fear they would wake up and find it all a dream. Finally Mulder pulled far enough away to look into her eyes. His hands rose up to frame her face and Scully smiled shyly at him as she met his eyes. He slowly lowered his head toward her, his eyes asking the permission he needed. She answered by closing her eyes and tilting her head up toward him. When their lips met it was a soft, glancing blow, just barely touching. Scully felt the electrically pulse run through her entire body at that one small touch. Mulder pulled away and looked at her for a moment before leaning in to kiss her again. This time his kiss was harder, more desperate, trying to convey all the emotions and turmoil of the past year and a half. She accepted his kiss, returning it in kind, pulling herself closer to his warmth. She couldn't get enough of him and wrapped her arms around his neck to pull his head closer to her. Mulder moaned into the kiss when he felt her shift position so that she was sitting across his thighs. He broke the kiss breathlessly, running his hands down her sides in a gentle tickling motion. One of Scully's hands laced into the hair at the back of his head and the other ran lightly down his chest, coming to rest over his heart. Mulder's lips trailed light, butterfly kisses across her jaw and down her neck. "So, if I make love to you right now, Scully, will you still be here tomorrow morning?" he asked quietly against her skin. Scully shivered when she felt his warm breath move across her. "Yes, Mulder," she answered, knowing that she was answering more than just the obvious question. At her words Mulder moved them so that she lay on her back, partially beneath his body. He gently began to caress her stomach and thighs, teasing her most sensitive areas, but not quiet touching them. Scully shifted restlessly, her hand seeking out the hard bulge in the front of his boxers. Mulder gasped and arched into her hand when her fingers closed around him. His fingers hooked into the edge of her panties and pulled them slowly down her legs, pushing them off the bed with his feet. His hands roamed over her skin, gently tickling and caressing. One hand slipped up under the shirt she wore, lightly dancing over her breast. She moaned and tried to push his hand down onto her. Mulder smiled, lowering his lips back to hers and closing his hand over her breast at the same time. His fingers pinched and softly tweaked her nipple until it stood rigid and then he moved to give the other one the same treatment. Scully moaned and arched up under him, her hands still busy touching him. She managed to get his boxers down past his hips and maneuvered them the rest of the way off with her feet. Then her hand closed over his hard flesh and he sighed into her kiss, his free hand running across her thigh to slip into the damp curls at her center. Their lips continued to move softly against each other, a kind of slow sweet seduction all their own as their hands gently stroked and teased. Scully finally broke the slow, deep kisses and pulled her head back from him for a moment. She spread her legs and wrapped one of them around his thigh, urging him closer to her. Mulder moved completely onto her, the tip of his hard, throbbing cock gently brushing the sensitive skin of her entrance. Her lips once again found his and she drew his bottom lip into her mouth and sucked on it gently as she rocked her hips up at him. Mulder didn't need any other invitations. The minute he'd felt her warm, wet flesh against him he'd been lost. When she thrust her hips up at him he couldn't hold back any more. With a long slow push he moved all the way inside her until he was completely buried in her warmth. He had to close his eyes against the waves of pleasure that swept over him at the feeling of her tight flesh enveloping him. "God, Scully," he groaned softly. She sighed and wrapped her arms and legs around him, pulling him as close to her as she could. And then he started to move slowly in and out of her, keeping his pace steady. Almost all the way out and then completely back into her, never speeding up, just a slow steady rhythm that matched the slow, steamy kisses that they were still trading. They moved together, neither one of them wanting it to be over. Scully ran her fingers lightly up his back and clenched her inner muscles around him. She was getting close with his gentle pumping motion and wanted him to be there with her. Mulder gasped when he felt her tighten her muscles around him. He knew he was gonna come any minute now. He could feel the tightness in his balls and the sparks of pleasure were starting to shoot outward toward his extremities. He pushed a little harder into her, his teeth catching and gently nipping her lip as he did. And that was all she needed to fall over the edge. When she felt the sharp edge of his teeth she felt her world fall apart. Her entire body tensed and arched up toward Mulder, trembling violently with the spasms of pleasure that were moving through her. She let her head fall back and her voice caught on a hoarse cry. When Mulder felt the first pulses of her orgasm he lost the fight to hold off his. Three more sharp, quick thrusts and he was tensing his muscles and crying out to Scully. His body shook and pushed farther into her, emptying himself into her body until it was all gone. And then he collapsed, completely spent, onto her. As his breathing slowly returned to normal, Mulder moved carefully off of Scully's body. She immediately curled up against him and wrapped her arms around his chest. Mulder pulled her close and held on as tight as he could. They lay quietly, letting their feeling settle and enjoying the warmth of the other for a long time. And then Mulder spoke quietly. "Scully, are you still afraid?" She raised up and looked him in the eye. "Yes, Mulder. I am still afraid. But I know that as long as we are together we can face anything they throw at us. I have faith in us, Mulder, and in our love," she answered honestly. And it was true. As afraid as she had been and still was, she now had the faith to believe that they could make it through anything. Looking back she realized that it wasn't that she'd ever really doubted they could, it was just that she was too afraid to admit that to herself. Mulder watched the emotions play clearly across her face and gave her a small smile. "I'm afraid, too, Scully. But I think that the only thing that matters right now, and for as long as I live, is that I love you. That I will always love you and we will always find a way to make it work." "I love you, too, Mulder," Scully smiled, leaning in to kiss him again. She was amazed at the depth of his belief. She realized that she shouldn't be, but to actually hear the words she never thought she'd hear was more than she could have hoped for. Mulder smiled and pulled her back into his arms. They snuggled together and held each other as they drifted back off to sleep. Mulder's last conscious thought was how he had finally managed to put his life back together. ~~ ~~ Epilogue: It was a hazy day, the low-lying clouds creating the illusion of winter. Everything tinted blue. In the past, he'd tried to destroy it, a boyish tantrum thrown at the lack of help. Now, he was building it again, the father-figure at his side. They laughed as they built, creating a dream that had become a reality. He glanced around, seeking the approval of another. Finding it, he smiled at her. She smiled back. He glanced at the father-figure and found him looking at her. Gazing at her, even though in the past he'd said plainly that he didn't do that. Her gauzy white skirt billowed at her ankles, phantom rays of sunlight caught in her fiery hair, she gave them both a soft smile as she climbed up to join them. He grinned at the mother-figure and handed her a bucket. She took it and began to build with them. The picture complete, the haze lifted. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE END OF THE WHOLE STORY All Done. Bye-bye. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ http://xffortress.tripod.com