From: To: Subject: [XFNC17ff] NEW: Held by XRae Date: Wednesday, December 11, 2002 1:24 PM TITLE: Held AUTHOR: XRae EMAIL: feedback welcome at XRae1013@webtv.net "It's all about freedom, baby. Yeah!" RATED: R KEYWORDS: Mulder POV, angst DISCLAIMER: Never had'em! Never will! ARCHIVE: Sure just let me know so I can visit... NOTES: This is my first completed story. It's written as a stream of conscious thought so all breaks and incomplete sentences are intentional. Hopefully it works. For whatever reason, it demanded to be written. Now I can go hide... And a special THANKYOU to Subrosa, who didn't make me beg... SUMMARY: As he is held, Mulder discovers that one heartbeat can hold an eternity for a man who must find peace before letting go... HELD by XRae --------------------------------------------------------------- ...Oh God. I'm gonna die. Please come for me, Scully. Come for me. Please... I grip the bars. Tight. Too tight. I wanna move. I need to move. But I can't. Fear has immobilized me. The weight of this situation is starting to buckle me. I knew. I always knew that one day I would find myself here. And I'm terified. Fuck, I'm more afraid than I've ever been...Yet I feel a sense of inevitabilty as I hold these bars and fight for control. I knew. I knew deep down in that secret part of my soul where hope is born, where it dies, where it whispers and taunts me with the knowledge that one day my luck could change. The same place that reminds me that in the end, I'm just a man. I refused to believe. I was afraid to believe. Is this what I deserve? All that I've endured. All that I've suffered and all that has tortured me. It led me here. Why? Until now I've wondered across the landscape of my life wearing a suit of armor made of denial. My arrogence, the false sense of nobility I derived from my quest...It tricked me into thinking that I was immune to this, that nothing, no one, could ever touch me. Gave to me a fool's sense of security. I sacrificed myself to illusions, to the deceptive safety of shadows. Even worse, I sacrificed her... No more. No more! It's too late. Too late. Why did it take this to make me see what was *always* in front of me? I'm so sorry, Scully. I should've opened my eyes, my heart. I'm a coward to repent now. I want to make it all up to her. I want to show her...I want to worship her. I want. I want. Fuck, I'm so sick of being afraid. I'm gonna die. gonnadiegonnadiegonnadie. Don't hurt me...If I could find my voice, I'd beg. I'd beg. This is too much! Too much. Too much to feel now, now when none of it should matter anymore. Just think of her, Mulder. Just think of her. Don't let this fear be what rules you. Breathe. Breathe. She expects more. She deserves more. This may be the most important thing I've ever tried to give her... She needs to feel that I've made peace with all that's kept me from her. And I have to give her that. So she'll know. So she'll know that at this moment, I was free to love her. It's so dark. But if I look hard enough, I can see her. Even when I close my eyes. More than that, though...I can *feel* her. All around me. I love you. IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou Oh GOD!!! Come for me, Scully! Please! Please! Please... I need you. Especially now. I can't allow myself to doubt. I can't. I won't. Especially now. Especially now! Did you always know that it would end like this? I wish I'd known. I swear I would've done things so differently. I would've fought my demons harder. I wouldn't have waited so long. I would have let myself love you from the moment I first wanted to. It can't be too late! But it is. I know it is. My salvation won't be found in this hollow lament for the past. I can't make up for what my selfishness, for what my pride, has taken away. Lost time I can never give back. So much just wasted. How dare I think that now I can atone for what I've done. How dare I think that confessions now should matter to her. I grip the bars tighter. I try to reign in the violent emotion that I can feel so close to the surface. My body shakes. The effort too much. Tears come. Hot. "God, Scully". My voice is harsh, sobs steal my words. "God, oh God,...I can't...I want...". "I know, Mulder. I know." I feel her cool hands slide toward mine, pulling them from the bedposts. She holds them tight. She holds me tight. "Just move. Just move." she whispers. My cock swells. And for the second time, I thrust deep into Dana Scully. ...Oh God. I'm gonna die. Please come for me, Scully. Come for me. Please... I thrust again. And again. ...Oh God. END Don't make me go all sixes and sevens, send some feedback! xrae1013@webtv.net "Listen Shaggy, I think somebody spiked my rootbeer last night. Talk me down, man. Talk. Me. Down."--Fred X-RAE'S VISION http://www.geocities.com/xraex1013 X-PLICIT DISCLOSURES http://www.geocities.com/xfanfic1013