From: Para8Dice@aol.com Date: Fri, 5 May 2000 17:39:23 EDT Subject: In Nothingness: NC-17 Version Source: direct Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. They belong to Chris Carter. E-mailing Address: Para8Dice@AOL.Com Thanks To: Of course, my idol, Gillian Anderson. She's done wonderfully with Dana Scully, and I don't think any Baywatch girl could've been a better Scully. Gillian has more acting talent than I've ever seen. Male or female. She's beautiful and talented. Gillian, you can do anything. You've proven that to me and won my heart. David Duchovny, Melinda McGraw, Sheila Larken, and Lauren Dieworld. You all made this possible! Title: In Nothingness Rating: NC-17 Keywords: Mulder/Scully Romance Spoilers: Christmas Carol, Emily, Paper Clip, One Breath, Detour, Quagmire and Anasazi. Summary: Great shipper story after Emily. Written: Late 1998 _______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________ January, 1998 Mulder, feeling so helpless, so useless, drove Scully back to Bill Scully Jr's house. Slowly...thinking. Thinking about her, about how he could've prevented this. Why hadn't he fully told her? To put less pressure on her, well maybe now she would've regretted it. How was she coping, losing her daughter. He looked at her again, and again. She noticed, but didn't respond at first. What kind of mother was she? Unable to save her own child? That beautiful, innocent, little girl. She was just a little girl. Why did they create her only to destroy her? Why did they keep tearing apart her family? They'd taken two lives, but that's twice as many as they should've. She kept losing everyone, her father, her sister, her dog, and now, her daughter. Even though it had been less than a week since she'd known about Emily, Emily was her daughter, she was supposed to be able to protect her child. Why couldn't she? She felt Mulder's tension. She saw him in the corner of her eye looking over at her every three seconds. "I'm okay Mulder." "Are you sure?" "Yeah," she exhaled. Mulder continued driving her back to her brother's. "Scully, talk to me." Her face crumbled from the pain. Everywhere she looked she saw her life, and everything she'd lost. Emily, Melissa, and her father. This Christmas had brought back so many memories. She hated expressing emotional feelings to the point of tears. It made her feel like she was failing in what she'd succeeded in what she'd been doing for so many years. Scully exhaled slightly irritated. She didn't exactly want to tell her mother, or Bill, or anyone else really because they wouldn't understand. It's not that her mother wouldn't love her and understand, but to talk about it and not fall apart herself would be too much to ask of her mother. After all, only two and a half years ago, she'd lost her own daughter. Such a different type of pain between losing a sister and a daughter. Dana had lost Missy, and had lost a link to her life. An enormous link. She'd also lost a companion and a friend. Someone else to trust. A female friend. Someone who could always talk to her about anything. A piece of the puzzle. But a daughter...a daughter was so different. A daughter is someone you feel responsible for and your heart builds an entirely new place. A daughter is someone to take care of, to kiss a way bruises and love entirely. To put first and always first. Someone to worship and protect. Dana and her mother had grown closer the older Dana had gotten. As Dana and Margaret continued to lose members of the family, and almost each other, they'd grown so close. Although Dana was the perfect daughter at a young age, Melissa had more in common with their mother. Scully was brought back to Mulder when he spoke. "Mulder, please, get me home." He put a hand on hers. She didn't look at him, but looked at his hand. He was silent. So was she. She felt comfort in this, him, just being there for her. Not accusing or asking or demanding. He was just there, holding her hand, driving her home, he was there for her. He would never know how much that meant to her. But damn the pain. Dana looked down, and a tear fell down her cheek. Totally unexpected. She quickly wiped it away and tried to control the agony on her facial expressions. She breathed in deeply, trying to keep all of herself together. She hadn't had such trouble controlling the tears ever before. She haven't lost her daughter before. She knew she didn't have to put on an act in front of Mulder, this was more about her. She'd always tried to contain it and take care of her pain herself. Dana Scully looked at him, and he looked back at her. She smiled just barely, hardly even noticeable. His eyes. He looked as if he were more in pain than her. Fox Mulder drove into the driveway of Bill Scully's house. Honestly, he wanted to take Scully back to Virginia. To help her. He knew she wanted time alone. He was alone his whole life though. He had been alone since his sister's abduction. His sister missing, his father dead, his mother practically hiding in a hole under ground from the pain of losing her own daughter, where did he stand? He was Spooky Mulder with one person in the world to stand by him. Scully exhaled and opened the car door. She stepped out and they walked to the front door. Mulder saw Scully's look of, 'I need to be alone', and nodded his head in understanding. He went to the guest bedroom wondering if there was anything he could do to stop the pain. He'd seen the tiny little casket with Emily inside. Her body turned to sand. Scully taking the cross back. He'd tried to save that little girl. Scully's little girl. But he'd loved her too. He hadn't ever expected the little girl to grow up without knowing him. Even if she was Scully's. What might life have been if Emily had survived? Scully would've quit the FBI, left him, and probably practice medicine again. But he'd still see her. Hopefully. What would the little girl have grown up to look like? Melissa? Scully? Both? What would she have sounded like, acted like, been like? Why didn't he just tell Scully he had the cure? Goddammit. She knew. She'd known. She'd known that there might've been a way. And she thought of Emily. Like a good mother should. But could he have saved her? XxX Dana Scully looked in the mirror. Pathetic. Her face was drained, not from tears but from trying to control the tears. Controlling the pain. Her eyes. They had lost that excitement and happiness that was there when she'd first started working at the Bureau. Damn her life. Damn those bastards who'd destroyed her family. Not just once, but almost five times. Her sister, her abduction, her cancer, twice, and now her daughter. Emily. Scully changed into a sun dress. She was so angry that she could walk into the waves and never stop walking until her heart stopped beating. And that she wouldn't even feel. The dress what white with gold flowers. The dress was loose around her breasts, tight around her waist, and lose from then on. She'd always loved the beach, and was never bored while watching and listening to the sound of waves. She snuck passed her mother, brother, sister in law, and new nephew. She got into the car, cranked up the music, and sped slightly towards the beach. She flipped through stations. She flipped again, thinking how perfect timing the damn radio stations were. Dammit, is there such a thing as optimistic music? She flipped while cursing herself and all the people in her life. "Where do broken hearts go, Can they find their way home, Back to the open arms, Of a love that's waiting there, And if somebody loves you, Don't they always love you? I look in your eyes, and I know that you still care, For me..." Oh great, Whitney Houston's Where Do Broken Hearts Go. Please god, not right now. Click... "Nothing's right I'm torn, I'm all out faith, This is how I feel. I'm cold and I am chained, Lying naked on the floor, Illusions never change, Into something real, I'm wide awake, And I can see the perfect sky is torn..." Natalie, you don't know what the hell torn means. XxX Dana Katherine Scully stepped out of the car slowly, seeing the gloominess and cloudiness of the day. That's why the beach was so empty. There were a few people, but they were hardly noticeable. She closed the door slowly, inhaling the warm air that she prayed would take away her problems. Take the emptiness. The wind blew in her face, ever so lightly, but she felt that pieces of her were being taken with the wind. And eventually all of her would be lost in the earth's motion. She'd just blow away with the sand. She had a dream earlier in the week as she picked up her cross in the sand, she disappeared into the wind... Dana put down a blanket, and sat down and just let the few people that were there pass by her, not evening seeing them. Not hearing the gentle breeze or the people walking along the beach hand in hand, arm in arm. She just sat there, not really thinking, not really there. Wishing she could walk into that ocean and never come back out. Now when the time for her to cry was right in front of her, she couldn't. She didn't even know if she wanted to. She didn't know anything. Every once in a while, the wind would blow and the sand would smack her in the face. Her facial expression didn't change at all. She didn't care. She had nothing left to give. The salty air was barely noticeable to her. Someone could be having a heart attack and she wouldn't even notice. Doctor Scully might not even notice. There comes a time when you've given to everyone else, and you're just through. And she felt like she'd reached that place in her life. She titled her head back in the breeze, too tired almost to hold her head up. How much time had passed? Doesn't matter. Nothing does. Her heart belonged to her daughter. A lot of good that did. Why couldn't she just be normal? Ordinary. Happy. Why couldn't she have been married, gotten pregnant, had Emily, and lived happily ever after? Why couldn't that have been the way it was? She watched the waves and the people pass by. The waves touched her toes. It was cool. It felt as good as it could for feeling as numb as she did. Daddy. Missy. Emily. She just wanted them back. All of them, any of them, all of them. "Come here, honey," yelled a woman's voice affectionately with concern. Dana was startled and turned around to see a woman. A woman with dark brown hair, no...red hair. Tall, thin. Melissa? "Come here, sweetheart," the woman called again. A little girl, five or six ran up to the woman and hugged her. The woman picked up the little girl and carried her away. Dana had always watched people pass by while working on the X-Files with their dogs and their children and their gardens and houses and vacuum cleaners and dishes with left over homemade meals. Where was any of that in her life? She remembered her last moments with Emily, Emily alive... "I think I'd like to be alone," she'd said in almost a whisper as Mulder's hand rubbed her back. He'd understood and left. Dana opened the sliding door and slowly walked in and laid down next to her daughter. Her heart entered this little girl and she loved her. Dana had loved her little girl more than anything. A new place in her heart for her little girl had been created. Only to be destroyed as her little girl lay dying. "You and me against the world, Sometimes it's just, you and me against the world. When all the others turn their backs and walk away, You can count on me to stay. And when one of us is left behind, And all we have is memories to see us through. Just look back on me and you." Dana had sung to her daughter through a broken heart. Probably what killed her, Dana thought through a smile of pain. I almost killed Mulder when I sang in that forest. Emily. Her one chance for a child. That one chance for her dream, and she couldn't fulfill it. She didn't keep it. She couldn't have wanted it more. Sure she'd held it in, but she couldn't have wanted it more. She drifted away from where she was, into a pool of painful piece of the memories that went in and out of head like the wind. Into her, and leaving her. Like the people whom she was remembering. Daddy, Missy, Emily... "Scully," Mulder whispered into her ear in a husky voice. His fingers enclosed against her shoulders, his hot breath against her neck. She was startled and jerked herself back to reality. "Mulder, what's wrong?" "Are you okay?" Dana yawned lightly. "Yeah," she said wearily. "Is my mother worried?" "I was." "Mulder, I'm fine," she said calmly and yet firmly. "Scully, stop it." She looked at him, her eyes even more green because of the ocean in front of them. She looked drugged. Tired. "Stop what?" "Stop hiding your feelings." "What do you want me to say?" "I want you to let it go, let it out." "Oh yeah Mulder, I'll just be one of those characters in a soap opera in public screaming at the top of my lungs," she said angrily. She stood up and starting walking towards her car, quickly. He headed quickly after her. He ran after her but she sped up. The tears were now pouring down her face. Hot tears. Sliding down her skin that was moist already from the humidity. She couldn't stop it. She couldn't stop the flow of tears from pouring out her sea blue eyes now becoming brighter with every tear she was shedding. She ran to her car, leaving the stupid blanket behind, and got into the car. She tried to start the car, but she was so tired. Of everything. The tears making her vision blurry, not a smart way to drive. She couldn't do this anymore. She was so damn tired of doing everything she'd always been told to do. Everything she was supposed to do. When was the last time she'd done something she shouldn't have? Rebelled. Ed Jerse? She punched the steering wheel with her fists and cried. She sobbed loudly. Not screaming, but moaning loudly. Mulder reached her and watched her cry inside the car, watched her fall apart. She'd left the window open. She didn't look up once to see him as she cried. He didn't want her to be alone. And he didn't want her to pretend anymore. To feel the need to pretend. He opened the door, grabbed her wrists, and yanked her out of the car. He pulled her body against his. He buried her in his chest as her sobs became more violent and uncontrollable. He caressed her red hair. "I don't wanna do this anymore," she sobbed. "I don't wanna play this game. I don't want to lose anymore. And dammit I don't wanna do everything I'm supposed to Mulder." "I'm so fucking tired of it all. I do everything by the book, not just in work, but life. And I can't do it anymore. I can't play a Doctor Scully who is the reasonable, handling one. Because you know what, I'm not handling it and I'm sick and tired of being perfectly calm, and reasonable!" She sobbed and groaned in pain of her life and where she stood in it. She weakened and he supported her standing. He turned her so she was facing the same direction as he was, and walked with her back towards the beach as her sobs calmed down. She was still crying in pain, but not as violently. "It's not supposed to be this way Mulder," she said just clearly enough through her tears that he could understand her. "No one should ever have to out live their child. And no one should have their sister dying in their apartment murdered by someone who thought it was you." He sat back down with her on the blanket and rocked her as she cried. He rocked her. "Missy took me here. We would come out here in the middle of the night to meet friends. Or, sometimes we'd just talk," she was crying that her speaking was barely understandable. "I miss her Mulder. I miss my father. I miss Melissa. And now that Emily's gone..." she broke down again in tears. No one knew how she was feeling better than him. He's lost his sister, his father, his life as well. His heart broke with every moan of hers. He wanted to make all the pain go away. Break the chains of pain in her heart that had been building for the last four and a half years he'd known her. Eventually, the sobs became quieter, and her tears rolled down her face silently. She'd never felt so tired in all her life. Emotionally, physically, in every way. He cupped her face so she looked up at him. "Scully, if you'd only done that the first time this happened." She knew he meant when her father had died. She'd kept it in, she didn't even cry when she was alone. It had damaged her. Made her feel like it wasn't okay to feel pain. She didn't even cry at her father's funeral. "When I was little Mulder, I tried as best I could to not to get attached to someone. I was always afraid of death." "It's okay to be afraid Dana...I am too." "I feel so empty Mulder." "Me too," he said quietly. Dana, not being able to contain it all anymore, she cried again. He pulled her back into his arms and she tried to prevent that. Losing herself in his arms. She pulled back weakly. But he pulled her into his arms, and she let him reluctantly. She felt so protected in his arms. He was so warm against her. When every moan and sob Mulder squeezed Scully as if trying to force the pain out of her body. She'd only cried in his arms a few times. It was so hard on her. This was releasing all the things for years she'd tried to hold in. She cried. He let her. He encouraged it. She cried until she thought she would pass out. The tears flowed down on her face and made a damp spot in his shirt. He tipped her chin to his view. She looked at him. She felt hot. Hot from the burning tears that had devoured her. Swallowed her whole until she had nothing left to cry. Too tired. She opened her eyes with an intoxicated look. His eyes were filled with tears as well. She hadn't forgotten he'd lost so much too. His sister, his father, she'd lost the same. She looked into his big green eyes. That fourteen year old boy in Mulder. So hurt and feeling everything for the first time. His heart was breaking too. She wasn't angry with him at all. He'd done all he could, and she knew that. And she cared. He bent down and touched his lips to hers. He kissed her as if it was the first time he'd ever kissed. Lips to lips. He softly licked her lower lip, playing with her and then he deepened the kiss and finally their tongues met. She found his hand with hers and she locked her fingers with his. They released each other's lips. Another tear poured down her face. Heat burned from her huge eyes. "Scully, yell at me, hit me, just don't leave me." "I need you, Scully," he said through his own broken heart. Her face was straight. He was worried by that. It was as if he wasn't making any impact on her and that scared him the most. If it had been anyone else, she would've been angry. She was the one grieving, why was he begging her for support. Her mouth dropped open slightly. She didn't quite know how to respond. "Please don't leave me." He bent down and kissed her again. His warm hands heavy on her shoulders. His lips were so soft. This was so different from anything she'd ever experienced with Mulder. And she'd experienced a lot. This feeling between them though, had always been there. She hugged him tightly. She exhaled against him and she felt completely liberated. "Scully," he whispered. "Where did you get this dress?" She smiled. He didn't much see her out of a suit. "Melissa. She bought it for me as a going a way present when I went to Quantico. I'm amazed it still fits me. But obviously I haven't grown too much in the last four and a half years. She told me to come back to California once in a while and go for a walk on the beach with her in this. I can take walks on the beach, just not with her." "I know. I know what it feels like to lose someone like that. It feels like it's your fault. I know." "She was so beautiful, and she loved people. She loved everyone and everything. She wants told me that nothing ever ends. I wish that I could believe it the way she believed in the goodness of people." Scully was still in Mulder's arms. A warm embrace full of love that still was not expressed verbally. This was what was always good for her. His arms. His embrace because she knew he understood her pain. He'd held her when Melissa had died, and now, she felt as though she'd lost Melissa all over again, through her daughter. She'd seen her sister in her daughter's face. "Melissa always thought she knew what she was talking about. Maybe she did. But I don't think she was ever as right as she thought she was. She constantly believed that her ideas were the accurate ones, but she didn't try to change mine just so I'd be like her. But dammit she thought she knew everything," Scully said with a smile. "I remember," Mulder said softly. "You remember what?" "She was with your mother and me when you were dying from your abduction. Melissa had lunch with me everyday. She was the one who defended you when you had gone past the criteria of your will. She came to me when you were about to die. She came to my apartment and told me to come and see you." "She did?" "Yeah. It always surprised me how different the two of you were." "Yeah, the fights we got into. Mulder you would've laughed. Looking back I feel sorry for my mother." "You two didn't get along?" "No, we got along, we loved each other. But when we'd get into a fight, it would last all night. She was full of faith as I was-" "Full of science and logic." "Yeah Mulder, I guess. I think that she was always looking for something that wasn't there. She was lost in her heart. So then she found her own faith through different beliefs and she said that filled her heart." "Sometimes the strangest things make us feel whole Scully." "What else did you talk about with her," she had a hint of jealousy in her voice which he missed. "She told me that whoever had done that to you had an equal horror coming to them. She told me to drop my defeat and stop running around trying to get even when I should be expressing to you how I felt." "That's Missy for you." "Evidently." "Hey Mulder, what was Samantha like?" Scully sniffed. "She was an eight year old. She was never able to quite develope into a person. She was an annoying little sister. I remember though she loved grilled cheese sandwiches, and she adored purple. She loved board games. I wonder what she would've been like if they hadn't come to take her away. If I had known, I would've been a better big brother." "I'm sure you were great Mulder." "I probably drove her crazy." "But she drove you crazy too." He smiled. God, if he'd only known Samantha would be taken away. I can prevent Scully from this pain though. "You're so strong Scully, you're gonna get through this." Mulder cupped her face and made her look at him. "But I'm not Mulder," she said with a wet face. "I'm not anymore. I mean, there's just no more me, and I have nothing left to give." "Oh that's not true, you have so much left to give. You have so much love in you, and you'll find it again. You will, you'll find it again." "And what if I don't?" "You will." She paused. Exhaled. "I love you Mulder," she said softly, almost a whisper. He thought he didn't hear her right, for he felt completely unlovable and had for the past twenty-four years. He grabbed her shoulders to she was looking up at him, and he couldn't read the expression on her face. "I...I love you back." She leaned forward and touched her lips to his. This was still so new. Much more quickly the kiss became rougher, more intense, and she felt liquidy. She had all day, but this was more pleasant. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him more passionately. He pressed his body against hers as his arms went around her back. Mulder gently brushed his fingertips over her skin the sun dress didn't cover. She shivered at his caresses. She felt as though this time, when she'd lost, she'd gained something back. Something precious, something there. Something permanent. Forever. She released his lips and looked up at him. She smiled chastely. And then they once again kissed each other. Lips against lips. Touching ever so lightly until his hand went to her face and he inhaled lightly. Mulder ran his hands down Scully's back. She kissed him more passionately with a sigh. He pressed his body close to hers. He ran his hands over the lose sun dress she was wearing, feeling the warm of her skin that he gently uncovered. Button by button, she revealed her shivering skin. Now, it was dusk, and the sun was disappearing beautifully against the waves. Mulder's lips caressed hers as he slid his hands into her sun dress and ran his his hands up and down her curves. She felt her body respond to him and her blood move more quickly. Scully reached with her hands around his waist and pulled his shirt up over his head, and let it be thrown to the sand. Mulder then collapsed himself ontop of her and she felt warm, hot, safe. She had been bra-less, so now his chest was against her crushed breasts, and they kissed for minutes until they were both breathless. She unbuttoned his pants and slid them off of him, and he gathered her in his arm to hold her because there was still tears her eyes. She let him rock her half naked body for a minute, then bent up to kiss him again. His hands found her breasts, and he squeezed them gently, as his mouth trailed down to meet them. He ran his lips lightly over the warm skin around her nipples, and then kissed the already tight nipples, which hardened them even more. His tongue gently probed the tips and she moaned a little in delight. He gently nodded on her nipples, so lightly that it tickled her between her legs. He them enveloped her nipple in his mouth and sucked on it hard. Scully reached her hand down and caressed him, already hard. She caressed the tip of him, then glided her hand back and forth and he moaned into her kiss. His mouth trailed down her mouth, her neck, her breasts, her stomach, and stopped at her center. He pulled the dress off the rest of the way, carefully and slowly, and then spread her legs gently to kiss her. His tongue darted out against her clitoris, and she arched in response. He ran his tongue along the glistening folds and on each side of her jewel. He then consumed her in his mouth and sucked fully upon her. He then moved down to her opening and slipped his tongue inside her, moving in and out. He pulled himself out, and licked her all the way up to her clitoris. Scully exhaled, then grabbed his shoulders and he thrust into her. They both moaned and she felt her muscles contracting and opening to receive him. With each thrust the burning waves crashed within her, and she felt the walls around her heart tumbling down. If there was one person in this world she could trust, it was him. On the last thrust, her muscles ripples, and he smiled down at her, kissing her sweetly. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The End