TITLE: I IS FOR INTUITION AUTHOR: donnilee@snet.net RATING: NC-17 WARNING: Descriptive sex. Smut biscuit. Please, no one under 17. CATEGORY: MSR /ANGST POSTING: ANYWHERE - But Please make sure my name and e-mail address are on it and inform me by e- mail of the location. Thank you. SUMMARY: Scully takes the observations of a nurse during Mulder's stress test to heart. SPOILERS: Little ones for Fight the Future and Little Green Men. DISCLAIMER: Nope. Not mine. Used shamelessly and without remorse. They belong to Chris Carter, 1013 and Fox, and god knows who else, but not me. WEBSTER'S NINTH NEW COLLEGIATE DICTIONARY In-tu-it / in-t(y)u-et/vt (1858) : to apprehend by intuition : in-tu-it-able / -e-bel/ (adj) In-tu-ition /, in-t(y)u-'ish-en/ (n) [LL intuition-, intuito, act of contemplating, fr. L intuitus, pp. Of intueri to look at, contemplate, fr. in-+ tueri to look at] (15c) 1 a : immediate apprehension or cognition b : knowledge or conviction gained by intuition c " the power or faculty of attaining direct knowledge or cognition without evident rational thought and interference 2 : quick and ready insight - in-tu-ition-al /-'ish-, -en-l/ (adj) In-tu-ition-ism /-'ish-e-,niz-em/ (n) (1847) 1 a : doctrine that there are basic truth intuitively known b : a doctrine that objects of perception are intutively known to be real 2 : a doctrine that right and wrong or fundamental principles about what is right and wrong can be intuited - in-tu- ition-ist /'ish (e-) nest/ (adj or n) In-tu-itive / in-'t(y)u-et-iv/ (adj) (1594) 1 a : known or perceived by intuition : directly apprehended b : knowable by intuition or insight -- in-tu-itive-ly, (adv) - in-tu-itive-ness (n) I IS FOR INTUITION PART 1 - (PG - 13) QUANTICO OCCUPATIONAL HEALTH LAB 12:30 PM Usually, being a nurse for the FBI could be a drag. Giving TB prick tests and taking vitals and blood tests all day long got old in a hurry. But once a year, the FBI had their standing field agents come in for a physical and a stress test. Stress tests were fun. You got to sit in a booth behind one- way glass and watch the agents sweat their asses off on the treadmill while monitoring their heart rates and respiration. It was a change of pace and it took several weeks to get through all the agents. Janet Cavanaugh, R.N., was enjoying herself. She was particularly enjoying it now. She was watching Agent 'Spooky' Mulder, as they called him, jog on the treadmill. He was her friend, Dana's partner, and she was fond of both of them. They had been good to her when she was a rookie. Dana had given her career a boost as a rookie when she asked for Janet to personally assist in some autopsies and gave her a glowing review. They had become good friends. An old fart retired, and Janet became the youngest head of the Occupational Health Department in the history of the bureau. Mulder was always polite and friendly to her. He had said that any friend of Dana's was a friend of his. She watched him lope along, not even breaking a sweat. This guy was in shape! His standing heart rate was 67 and his walking heart rate was a soaring 70 bpm. He had the heart rte of an athlete. In an effort to make him sweat, she raised the incline of the treadmill and sped it up a little. She watched her gauges idly. He was easily jogging "up hill' at a 35 degree angle, at the rate of a 12 minute mile. After about 15 seconds, his heart rate climbed and after a minute, it had climbed to 100 bpm. Whew! She had done it just because she was curious at what point he would start exerting himself. He was sweating now, the perspiration making a V in the middle of his tee shirt stick to his chest. His breathing was slow, deep and even although it had increased from 11 breaths a minute to 16 per minute. Janet was impressed. And impressing Janet was not an easy thing to do. Most agents let themselves go physically after they were hired on permanently after their probationary period. Of course, she'd heard the rumors about Mulder and Scully, as they called themselves. She never knew how much of it was true and how much water cooler talk. She didn't like to pay attention to the rumor mill. Dana was her friend. They had been good to her and that was all that was important to her. She'd seen them together on numerous occasions, laughing and grinning at each other. They seemed to have a rapport that most partners didn't share. If they weren't involved, they were definitely close. She could tell by the body language. Mulder was one of the few people beside herself that Dana actually relaxed around. Special Agent Dana Scully was a lucky woman to be close to this intriguing guy. I wonder if she knew it. Janet didn't believe that he was as off the wall as the rumors said. He'd always been polite and congenial to her. He was a bit of a flirt but that was O.K. by her. She also knew he was brilliant, despite the type of work that he had chosen to do. That was a bit of a shame. All that talent put to use in such a weird place. Oh well, everyone had his or her quirks. She leaned into the microphone that was piped into the room below. "How are you doing Agent Mulder?" His voice drifted back with an echo through the condenser mike that picked up sounds from the room. Janet turned as she saw the door open and Dana Scully walk in. She smiled at Janet. "How's my buff partner doing?" she teased. Janet gave her a thumbs up. She pressed the button to open the mike. "You're in great shape, agent, I'm impressed." he responded, panting a little now. Dana tapped Janet on the shoulder. "You didn't make me run uphill like that." Janet smirked. "I don't get to see a body like this in action very often. Cut me some slack, will you?" They both laughed, Dana shaking her head. Then she said, "Cut him loose Janet, he's taking me to lunch. We have the day off." Mulder voice drifted to them again. Janet pressed the button to the mic. "Why? Got a hot date with that gorgeous partner of yours?" Janet winked at Scully. Scully smirked at her as if to say. 'Really funny, Janet.' Both women fell silent when his response was, "Yeah, in my dreams." Janet looked at Scully to find her with her mouth hanging open Scully hastily said, "He's a flirt, he likes to joke around, Janet." She paused briefly. "Did you know he's a runner and a swimmer? That's why this stuff doesn't phase him." Janet nodded knowingly. Hmm, she though, changing the subject was a sure sign of discomfort. She was pretty perceptive when it came to reading people and Dana had been thrown by the response of her partner to the teasing question. Time to test the waters and maybe do a little match making. She hit the button to open the mike again and spoke into it. "You can stop, but remember to cool down." Here goes nothing, she though. "Hey, Agent Mulder, I thought you two were a hot item." She was repeating the gossip from the bullpen. Scully gestured frantically at the microphone as Mulder hopped off the treadmill and whipped his sweaty tee shirt over his head, drying the sweat off his torso with it. He threw it down and began to twist and stretched down to touch his toes, cooling down. Janet looked at Scully and said, "He can't hear you unless I have the button depressed." "That's vicious rumors you're repeating there, Janet. I thought we were friends." "We are. I just want to see how he will react to it." "Well, don't!" "Come on, don't you want to know what he thinks? Don't you want to know what he says about you when you're not around? She watched the play of emotions run across Dana's face; apprehension, curiosity, disgust with herself. Curiosity won. "Sometimes." Janet nodded and opened the mike. "You didn't answer my question, Agent Mulder about whether you and partner were a hot item," she said in a clam, clear voice. Mulder stopped stretching and put his hands on his hips, looking up at the mirror that he couldn't see through. He knew she was there even though he couldn't see her. He didn't know Scully was there though. They were supposed to meet for lunch at the diner down the street when he was through here. Scully had decided to come down and meet him here so they could go in one car and she could say hi to some friends here at Quantico. Scully couldn't help noticing the definition of his washboard stomach muscles and his defined pecs. His biceps were large but no overly so. His sweat pants were hanging low on his hips, giving a tantalizing view of the top of his lean hipbones. She could see the sparse hair on his chest that thickened slightly into a line beneath his navel and then disappeared below the drawstring of his sweats. Christ, he was hot! She could admit that to herself, but not to anyone else. She felt herself shiver a little and couldn't take her eyes off him He smiled a quirky smile at Janet. "Why? Got something to hide?" she asked. He waggled his eyebrows and began circling the room at a walk, continuing his cool down. My, my, Scully thought, his ass wasn't bad either, was it? It was usually covered up with a suit jacket. She'd be lying if she said she didn't love to see him in jeans or sweats and sneak a look at his body. But that was a far as she had ever let her mind go. "Ah, ha!" Janet exclaimed. he teased. He grinned. "You're hiding something." "Yeah. If you weren't involved, you just would have said 'No.'" "We're not gossiping. We're not in the bullpen. We are two friends sharing information about a mutual friend." he replied sarcastically, but was still being good natured. "Come on, make my day. Give me a tid bit that no one else knows." "I promise, cross my heart and hope to die, I won't tell a soul." He was looking quizzically at her, wondering why she was pursuing this line of questioning. Janet knew that he couldn't see her. She looked at Scully who had a strange expression on her face. Scully was torn between being grateful that Mulder was not divulging any personal information about her, or their relationship and wanting to know what he thought of her. Not that there was any secrets to reveal about their relationship anyway. They were just friends. Yeah, right. She realized they were much more than friends. However, they were not involved the way everyone thought they were. She found herself thinking about that more and more lately. If they were going to have the bad reputation anyway, why not at least enjoy getting it! That was juvenile, screwed up thinking and she knew it. It was bullshit justification. What did that say about her feeling for her partner. She whispered to Janet as though he could hear her. "Janet, just ask him what he thinks of me, about me. He isn't going to answer a question about our friendship." Janet wrinkled her brow, but did as Scully asked. "OK., scratch the previous question. Nothing too personal. Tell me what you think of my friend, Dr. Dana. Tell me about her. I've worked with her but don't really know her that well." That was a fib. She knew Dana fairly well. He seemed to relax at the mundane question. "Could you be more specific?" He paused. He was still circling, slower now. He chuckled at grinned up at Janet. Scully gasped. He'd never said the words gorgeous or sexy in the same sentence with her name before, not that she'd heard anyway. But obviously, he wouldn't say it to her. "So you think she's gorgeous and sexy?" Janet prompted. "Makes you what?" "Makes you what?" He sighed. Janet decided not to push it. She could see Scully was really uncomfortable with what had been said so far. Time to change the direction of this conversation. "Laying it on a little thick, aren't you? Christ, Mulder, nobody's perfect. Is there anything WRONG with her?" Janet asked facetiously. He picked up his dirty tee shirt and walked to the door. He looked back at the mirror and sighed again. Scully stiffened. He was going to say she was a nag and a non-believer. Janet leaned into the microphone again. "What's that?" That being said, he turned on his heel, yanked the door open and walked out, heading for the showers. A long, low whistle sounded from Janet's pursed lips. "Wwwhhheeewww. Girl, he's got it bad for you." Scully gave her a disgusted look. "Don't be ridiculous. We're best friends that's all." "Only because you're both too chicken shit to do anything about it." "Do anything about what?!" Scully's voice was rising with agitation. "What are you talking about?" Janet looked pointedly at her. "He's in love with you, Dana." Her voice was bland as though stating the obvious. "Don't be ridiculous!" "You heard the man. She's brilliant, compassionate, forgiving. What else? Oh yeah, gorgeous and sexy! Remember those adjectives! These are not words y9ou use to describe your friend." "Why not?" "Well, maybe, but people don't usually lay it on that thick. He has absolutely nothing bad to say about you. That's a symptom of the smitten." "He had nothing bad to say that he would tell YOU. That doesn't mean he doesn't see my faults too." "He loves you. I heard it." Scully sighed heavily. "I heard him compliment me. So what? That's nice. The same things could be said about him. You don't understand. He's very hard on himself. He puts himself down all the time. For some reason, his self-esteem is rotten. He never thinks that he measures up to others. He puts me on a little pedestal sometimes like I'm this pure, by the book thing, and better than him, but I'm not. He knows that I'm not perfect too. But he's totally clueless about smart and quirky and lovable he can be to others." "Loveable?" Janet quirked an eyebrow in imitation of the Scully eyebrow maneuvers that she always teased Dana about. "What do you think he almost said when he ended up saying he cares for you, probably more than he should?" Sounded defeated, Dana said, "Janet, just let it go." Scully turned and went to the door. As she reached for the knob, Janet called to her. "Dana." "What now?" "You know we are friends, right?" "Yeah." "And you know that I wouldn't ever intentionally upset you, right?" "Yeah. I'm over reacting, Janet. Don't worry about it." "It's O.K., but Dana, did you ever ask yourself WHY you over react to suggestions of the two of you being more than friends?" Scully's shoulders slumped. This was hitting too close to home. She was looking at her shoes and still hadn't turned around to face Janet. Janet was talking to her back. She knew she could leave at any time and Janet wouldn't hold it against her. But something kept her shoes glued to the floor. Softly she replied, "I don't know. Maybe I get tired of all the rumors. Maybe I get tired of ceaselessly defending us against the nay-sayers. Maybe I just want people to respect him he way he deserves without muddying it up with romance bullshit rumors for their entertainment. I get defensive about him. He takes so much shit." She turned to face Janet now. Janet looked at her calmly, slightly slumped in her chair, a contemplative look on her face. "Dana, you know that you don't need to defend yourself against me. I know what a brilliant doctor you are. I've assisted you with autopsies. You know I respect Mulder. I'm not saying any of this for my entertainment. I was amused by his responses, yes, but I was asking because I think that there is something there between you that neither of you wants to recognize and give a name. You're both my friends. I want you two to be happy. And my intuition tells me that neither of you is ever going to be happy with anyone else. I see the way you look at him when your guard is down. Everything in you strives for his approval and his attention. You want him to notice you as a woman. Don't tell you don't. Why is that, Dana? You clawed your way up in the good old boys network. I did too. I know how dangerous it is to let anyone think that you got where you are by lying on your back. But people know that's not true now. Hell, do you know what your nick name is around here?" Dana chuckled now. "Ice Queen?" "The very same. So no matter what they say, they don't really believe it, they just can't stand to watch anything they can't understand, so they pick it apart and make up reasons for it. You're considered rather frigid and untouchable. You ARE untouchable, by anyone EXCEPT Agent Mulder. He can melt your carefully constructed professional veneer. You don't think people see that? People are jealous of Mulder. That's why they speculate about your relationship. You are completely different with him than you are with anyone else. But that's all it is, speculation. No one knows for sure. And why do you give a damn what those assholes think anyway?" Dana's mouth opened as if to say something, but Janet interrupted her. "No, look I know you're not frigid, but that's what others say. So if you aren't stiff' and aloof with him, you must be sleeping with him. That's their logic. That's what others say." Dana was silent. Janet smiled at her. "Just think about it." "Think about what?" "Think about telling him how you feel about him. Tell him you love him." "I never said I loved him!" Scully exclaimed. "Don't you?" Dana stared at her, unable to break her gaze. Then she got teary, but quickly blinked the wetness away. "I don't know, Janet, I don't know what I feel most of the time. We have such a complicated relationship and my feelings for him are complicated too." "Complicated how?" "We believe totally different things." "And?" "And so there is little common ground between us in that regard. And yet, our personalities balance each other out. We are so close sometimes, such good friends. We've saved each other's lives, gone out on limbs for each other. We've had only each other to trust for so long. Only each other to talk to about the weird stuff that has entered our lives. No one else would believe us. That fosters a closeness most people can't understand. Even other partners have the support of Bureau behind them. Often, we haven't even had that." "Why do you do this for each other?" "Take the risks?" "Yeah, why stick your neck out for each other?" "It's the nature of the beast. He's my partner. I'm supposed to watch his back." "Bullshit and you know it, Dana! It's above and beyond the call of duty to go drag your ass back here from Antarctica. And what about that time you went to Puerto Rico to fetch him when he ran off half-cocked. You weren't even partners then. They'd split you up, remember? So why'd you go? That kind of blows the 'he's my partner' argument out of the water. He wasn't your partner then and you went anyway." Janet was one of the few people besides Skinner who knew about those incidents. Dana had confided in her after each of them simply because she had no one else to turn to. Janet didn't always believe the stories Dana told, but she never condemned her for them either. Dana looked confused. "I ... I don't know. I didn't really even think about it. I just knew that he was in trouble when those suits were staking out his apartment. I knew he would need help. I don't know how I knew. I just did. Woman's intuition, investigator's intuition. I don't know." "Dana, honey, think about it. You didn't even consider NOT going, did you? Once you knew where he was, there was no way you were going to wait it out. You had to be with him." "I guess so." "Think about it, that's all I'm asking. Why couldn't you wait it out? You need to answer these questions for yourself." "He'd be dead if I had waited." "You didn't know that then." "Geez, Janet! I don't know!" Scully was really upset now, but not with Janet. She was upset with herself because she realized that she couldn't answer these questions. She didn't have the answers, like so much else in her life. Janet lowered her voice in an effort to calm her down. "I think you do know, Dana." She paused. "Think about this stuff when you are alone, quiet, and relaxed. Think about this when you look at him. The answer will come to you." Dana asked her hesitantly, "You already know why, don't you? Or you think you do." "Yes, I think I know. But what I think doesn't matter. What YOU think does matter. For once in your life, Dana, throw away the emotional Kevlar and let yourself be vulnerable for once, with him. He'd never hurt you on purpose. Let your mind wander to those places you've always been afraid to let it wander. You might find out some wonderful things." "Like what? You sound like Ann Landers." "I was trying for Dr. Ruth!" she teased. They both giggled. "But seriously, I think you'll find out that what you've spent your whole life searching for is right in front of you. And not only that, it's there for the taking. I'd be willing to bet that if you gave him one hint, one little hint that you were interested in advancing your relationship, he'd be all over you. But he has way too much respect for you to jeopardize what you two have. If something happens, you'll have to be the one to make the first move." Dana shook her head sadly. She had to go. Mulder would be looking for her soon. If she didn't catch him, he'd end up leaving to meet her and they'd end up in two cars anyway. Maybe that was a good thing though. But he'd see her car, parked right next to his. She was all worked up now and her mind was spinning. Janet was trying to tell her to stop running from her feelings. Somewhere deep down, she knew what those feeling were. They just scared the crap out of her. She looked at Janet, knowing she was waiting for some sort of acknowledgment. "I'll think about it. I've got to go, Janet." "I know you do. Take care, Dana." "Take care, Janet." Scully turned and left. PART 2 - P-13 He'd left without me. Damn. I reached the doors to the men's locker room and asked a fellow agent who was entering to let me know if he was still in there. The agent emerged a few minutes later and said that he had left. I bolted for the parking garage, impatiently shifting my weight from one leg to the other as the elevator seemed to snail crawl to the garage. I stepped out and headed directly for Bay G where we both parked, usually side by side when we were at Quantico. I saw him sitting there, behind the wheel of his car, his head leaning back against the headrest, his eyes closed. I breathed a sigh of relief that I hadn't missed him. His government issued Taurus was blue, mine was green, and parked next to him. I stood outside his door for a minute and looked at his face, relaxed as he dozed. He was a beautiful man. His hair was still damp from the shower and he had changed into a green tee shirt and black jeans. The tee shirt hugged his torso snugly, unlike the gray one he'd been wearing for the stress test. I remembered how great his chest had looked as he'd stood there with his hands on his hips, giving Janet a hard time. I felt myself shiver slightly and closed my own eyes. This was not the time to contemplate all that Janet had said. She was right. I needed to be alone and quiet to figure out what it all meant. Nearly seven together and nothing more than hugs and chaste kisses between us. And those were usually prompted by some traumatic event. What the hell was I afraid of anyway? That he wouldn't want me? Maybe. Just because he thought I was ... gorgeous and sexy ... didn't mean that he wanted to do anything about it. If he did, he would have already, right? These were questions I really shouldn't be pondering right now. My stomach growled ferociously and broke me out of my reverie. I tapped on the glass of the driver side door and he jerked his eyes open and turned to see me. He smiled and rolled down the window. "Hey, Scully, guess I dozed while I was waiting." "Why did you wait?" I asked. "I saw your car was here and decided to wait for you. I hate sitting in a restaurant by myself. Always looks like you've been stood up." I chuckled. "You driving? Or do you want me to drive?" "I'll drive, hop in." I made my way to the passenger side, while he popped the locks and I slid in beside him. My stress test had been the week before. I was in casual clothes as I had come out to Quantico just to meet up with him for lunch. We had taken the day off. It was Friday and he had the test which would take up most of the morning and we figured we wouldn't get much done anyway. There was nothing pressing going on, so we had decided to meet for lunch. I was wearing soft stretch denim jeans that were faded to white and a blue pull over with a collar. "So are we still going to the diner?" "Yeah, I guess, unless you want to go somewhere else. By the way, why'd you come out here? I thought you were just going to meet me at the diner. I saw your car here and I was surprised." He backed out and headed out of the garage. "I decided to meet up with you here. I wanted to say hello to some friends here I haven't seen in a while." "Oh, who?" "A couple of nurses and teachers I worked with when I was teaching here." "Janet Cavenaugh?" He kept his eyes on the road as he pulled into the street, merging with traffic. I looked at him out of the corner of my eye. Was that a worried expression on his face? Yes it was. He was afraid I'd heard him. I didn't want to lie to him. That could back fire. "Um, yeah, I saw Janet, but by the time I got there, you had left. I checked the men's locker room but you'd already left." He took a deep breath, seemingly relieved. Then he joked with me. "Scully, please tell me you didn't go into the men's locker room." I smiled. "No, I asked another agent to look for you." "Whew. You had me worried there for a minute." "Not that it didn't cross my mind." "Scully!" "What? Don't think I'd ever be interested in checking out some samples of the male species half-dressed." "I ... I guess I never thought about it." "Of course not, I assume you still like women." "That's not what I meant! I meant that I never thought about you ... wanting ..." "Eye candy? Sex?" He was silent. I seem to have rendered him speechless. Well, what do you know?! "Mulder?" "Uh, yeah, either one of those things." "That says a lot." "What do mean?" "That you never think of me as wanting those things." He looked at me now with an upset look on his face but then turned his eyes back to the road. "I didn't mean it that way, Scully. I know you're a normal woman. I just ... you never talk about wanting those things, a relationship." "I already have a relationship." What the hell was I doing?! I couldn't seem to stop myself from leading him into this conversation. "You do? And you didn't tell me? I'm your partner, Scully! Don't you think I'd want to know about something that important?!" He was almost shouting. "So you think my personal life is your business?" "I ... no ... yes, to an extent ... oh shit, I don't know. I guess not." He paused. Then his voice dropped to barely above a whisper. "Would you consider telling me who it is, Scully? Or is that none of my business either?" He sounded really upset. I almost felt guilty. But I wanted to see what this conversation would do to him. What would the thought of me with someone else do to him. "Why do you want to know?" "Because ... I ... I'm interested in anyone who's ... a large part of your life. You're ... my friend, Scully." "You're my friend too, Mulder. You know that. Why do you really want to know?" I peeked at him sideways and could see the moisture in his eyes. Was he actually trying not to cry?! I yelped as he pulled the car over to the side of the road and abruptly pulled up to the curb in front of the diner. He jammed the car into park and killed the engine. Then he put his face in his hands, his forehead leaning on the steering wheel. I hadn't meant to do this to him. I touched his shoulder and he flinched, but didn't pull away. Softly, I said, "Hey, hey, Mulder, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I have a confes ...." "Scully, I'm sorry. I'm being an ass. You're right. It's none of my business. I just want you to be happy and ... and if someone else ... makes you happy ... then I'm happy for you." I could tell he was forcing the words out and didn't really believe them. He felt that was what he was supposed to say. It was what a friend was supposed to say to be supportive. "Liar." This one word was said quietly but firmly. He jerked his head up out of his hands and looked at me. He had contained the tears. They hadn't fallen, but his frown was still evident. "O.K., what do you want me to say, Scully?" "The truth." "Ah, the truth. Even if it's what you don't want to hear?" "I always want to hear the truth." He chuckled mirthlessly and looked at the roof of the car. "You might not want to this time." "Yes I do." "You sure? Be careful what you ask for, Scully, you may get it." Oh God. Was he really going to tell me how he felt about me? To my face? That would be a switch. We never talked about the chemistry between us. We never talked about the sexual tension or the weird connection that we seemed to have formed over the years. That connection allowed us to communicate silently with looks and gestures. It allowed us to finish each other's sentences on a regular basis. I gulped, feeling my heart rate accelerate with anticipation. I finally answered him. "I'm sure." He slowly looked at me then and locked his gaze with mine. It wasn't true in everyone's case, but with Mulder, it was true. His eyes were definitely the windows to his soul. He looked so vulnerable right now. He was looking at me with such tenderness. I felt a lump form in my throat. Those hazel eyes turned a soft green and I saw them flash with fear but it was quickly covered with a blink and he looked at me again. I waited patiently, knowing that he was trying to figure out the best way to say whatever it was he was about to say. Finally, he spoke. His voice was low and a little scratchy with emotion, but it was steady. "Why do I want to know, Scully? Was that your question?" I nodded. He said, "I want to know because I'm a masochist." "A masochist?" I knew I looked puzzled. That was not what I had expected him to say. "Yeah, a masochist. I like to torture myself. And knowing who it is that is in a relationship with you ... who it is that has potentially captured your heart ... that will be torture." "Torture?" "Yeah, torture. Do you know why?" I was breathing shallow now, my hand still on his shoulder, now trapped between his shoulder and the back of his seat. I croaked out, "No." "Because I always hoped, somewhere in the back of my mind ... that I ..." He stopped and took a deep breath and looked away from me. "Mulder?" I prompted him. "You hoped what?" He was silent a few more moments. Then he swallowed harshly. Keeping his eyes forward he said, "I hoped that someday ... it would be ... me ... me that captured your heart." "Oh Mulder!" The tears sprang instantly to my eyes. He wanted my heart? Did he already have it? I was scared to admit it, but Janet was right. I got upset about all the rumors not because they were insulting but because they weren't true. And I wanted them to be. Oh lord! He laughed a slightly hysterical laugh. "Stupid, huh? Jesus, Scully! I can't believe I just said that! What the hell was I thinking! Now you're going to be all uncomfortable around me ... SHIT!" He took another deep breath, still not looking at me. "Mulder, I have something to tell you." He closed his eyes. "What?" "Would you say that we are close?" "Yes." "Very close friends." "Yes. What's your point?" "Do you honestly think that any guy in the world would put up with the relationship I have with you? Do you honestly think that any guy would be O.K. with the fact that I spend most of my waking hours with you? That I can't be away from you for more than a couple of days at a time without going nuts wondering what you're doing or if you're in trouble? Who would put up with me running to your side at a moment's notice, no questions asked?" He looked at me now. The light was beginning to go on. "I know I wouldn't be able to put up with it." Oh, he was being so careful! "I haven't met anyone that would put up with how close my relationship is with you." "So, you mean ... " "I was talking about you, Mulder." I silently congratulated myself on how steady my voice was. His eyes got a little wider and he began to breathe quicker. He made no move to touch me, he just looked at me, waiting. Finally, he asked, "What does that mean, Scully?" "What do you want it to mean?" "Don't answer my question with a question, Ms. Evasive." I smiled at that. He knew exactly what I was doing. I wanted him to fill in the blanks. Why was I so nervous? I'd heard what he said to Janet. I'd heard what Janet had said it all meant. Did I dare believe her? I realized suddenly that I really, really, wanted to believe her. He had taken a huge risk in saying what he had said. Could I take as big of a risk? "It means that you are the guy I have a relationship with, no one else." He continued to look at me. He looked so astonished at the implications of those words. There was something else in his gaze too. What was it? Hope? Oh God. I felt a shiver go down my spine. Janet's words came back to me again. '....one hint, one little hint that you were interested in advancing your relationship, he'd be all over you.' His voice was barely above a whisper again. "This conversation started because you mentioned being interested in ..." "Sex?" My voice was a whisper too, as though we both afraid to say anything too loud. He swallowed hard. "Scully, ... do you want ... more?" "More?" "More from me?" I think I'm possessed! My partner would howl if he heard that admission. I think this because I am helpless to prevent the slight nod in the affirmative that my head makes without my permission. His breath whooshes out. He mutters under his breath. "Holy shit." Then he asks, "How much more?" "I don't know." He nods. "O.K. Want to go somewhere and discuss this?" I nod again. I can't speak right now. How the hell did I propel us to this point so quickly? One person insinuates that Mulder is in love with me and I find myself starting a conversation I know can only lead one place. I remove my hand and return to sit forward in my seat. "Let's go to your apartment, it's closer." Just then my stomach growls again. We both start laughing and that breaks the tension. "I guess I should feed you first." "I guess so." "What do you want? I'll run in here and get it to go." "O.K., I'll go in with you." We both slide out of the car and make our way into the diner, curiously careful not to touch each other. I ignore the booths and go to sit on a stool at the counter. Mulder perches beside me. We both know the menu and order grinders to go, his a combo, mine a chicken parmesan. We order coffee to drink while we wait. We are silent and slightly uncomfortable now. Neither one of us seems to be able to think of a thing to say. This conversation is going to be short if this continues. I jump when I feel his hand make contact with the small of my back. It's a familiar gesture, but now every touch is going to take on new meaning. I can feel the heat of his hand through my shirt. I look at him to find he has turned sideways on his stool and is looking at me. He worries his bottom lip a little and my eyes focus on that. I immediately wonder what it would feel like to be the one nipping at that plump lower lip. I mentally shake myself. I have to wait until we get to his apartment. Stop this! I look away. He leans over and talks into my ear, just loud enough for me to hear, but ensuring no one else can hear. "I'm looking forward to this talk, Scully. Believe it or not, I do want to talk. You have to know that I would never do anything that you didn't want me to do. Not with this anyway." I smile at that. "Relax. I'm not going to bite you." I chuckle now, realizing how silly this whole situation has become. We are best friends for crying out loud! He will not jump me when I don't expect it. I know this, but I can't help being nervous about where this is going to take us. Our food comes in Styrofoam containers and we pay and exit the diner, getting back into the car. The drive is silent until we pull up in front of his building. Without a word, we get out and head into the building. The ride up the elevator seems to take forever. PART 3 - NC-17 FOX MULDER'S APARTMENT 2:30 PM Finally we are inside the apartment and make our way to the couch. He opens up his grinder and goes to the kitchen, coming back with napkins. He hands me a few, along with a paper plate. I nod my thanks and open my lunch. I'm starved and begin to wolf it down. He says, "Whoa, whoa, slow down, you'll be sick." I nod and make a conscious effort to slow my chewing. He's right, but nervousness is making me operate a little quicker than usual. He gets up again and returns with two glasses of ice tea. We eat silently, stealing glances at each other and smiling nervously. We both want to have this conversation but neither of us is sure how to start it. We finally finished eating and recline on the sofa, leaving our wrappers and mess on the coffee table. He reclines against the arm of the sofa, pulling one leg up in front of him to face me and toes off his sneakers. I mimic him and kick off my sneaks, curling a leg up in front of me and turning to face him. My shoulder reclines on the backrest. He smiles at me. "So ..." "So ..." I reply back. This earns me a wider smile. "What brought this on?" "Brought this on?" "Yeah. I mean I know that I teased you about the locker room but you didn't have to pursue the line of thought. You did. How come?" I sighed deeply. "I have a confession to make." His eyebrows raised and he waited. I looked down and then blurted it out. "I was in the booth with Janet near the end of your stress test." "Oh God." That was all he said. I looked up to find him with a hand over his eyes. He was obviously embarrassed. "It's O.K. I was really rather comforted by your response." "Comforted?" "Yeah, it made me feel good that you didn't spill personal things about me when I'm not around." He looked at me then. "Of course I wouldn't." "I know but it was nice to have it confirmed." He nodded. "How much did you hear?" "All of it." He looked down again. "Scully, I don't know what to say." "Did you mean it? The part about ... thinking I'm ... " "Gorgeous and sexy," he supplied. "Yeah, that part." "I meant everything I said." He paused. "If you hadn't said anything, I never would have known that you heard me." I often had to read between the lines of what Mulder said. He'd just made an obvious statement. But the question was clear. 'Why did you bring it up? Why did you tell me?' "Janet and I talked for a bit after you left." "And?" How much should I tell? "Well, she asked me a question. She asked me why I got so upset about the suggestions that you and I were ... " "Lovers?" Just the word sent a shiver down my spine. I know he saw it but was kind enough not to mention it. "Yeah, and I realized that I couldn't answer her." "Couldn't or wouldn't?" "Couldn't. I had to think about it. At first, I blurted out my usual defensive shit about wanting people to respect you without throwing rumors around for their entertainment." "And then?" "And then she reminded me that she would never do that. I was talking to her, not the bull pen, and she was my friend. She told me to think about it when I was alone and quiet and the answer would come to me." "You haven't had a chance to do that." "No, not yet. But somehow, when you teased me, I was seized with the desire to know how you would react to the thought of me with someone else." "That was cruel." I nodded. "I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking too clearly. Janet said ... she said something, and I didn't believe her. But the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to know if she was right." "What did she say?" "She said ... she said you were ... in love with me." I heard him take a shaky breath and ventured to look back up from my lap to his face. He was staring at me, his mask in place. The blank expression that he assumed when he was trying very, very hard not to reveal something. "Why didn't you believe her?" he asked. Huh?! He wasn't denying it. He wasn't saying it was true either. He was asking me why I didn't believe her. "I don't know. It shocked me. I wasn't prepared to hear it. I thought she was just being a busybody and reading into what you had said. I mean, just because you think someone is attractive, doesn't mean that you love them. "True." Silence reigned for several long moments. True. He said my supposition was true. Then was he saying that he thought I was attractive but wasn't in love with me, or was he just responding to what I'd said? "So, I was right to assume that she was NOT right." "I didn't say that." His voice was maddeningly calm now. He kept looking at something over my shoulder and returning his eyes to mine when he spoke. His arm was on the back of the couch now, his elbow bent and his fingers curled down, his knuckles resting lightly on his chin. He stared at the wall again. "O.K., I've said enough for now. You're turn to say something." He smiled slightly. "O.K. Want to pose a question to get me started?" "Was she right?" I blurted out and then cringed at how anxious I sounded. He chuckled. "Want to jump right into the fire, do you?" he teased. "Sorry, I ..." "If that's the question you want me to answer first, I will." "Wait." We sat in silence for a few moments. "You told Janet that my only fault was staying with you for the last seven years. Why did you say that?" "Because it's true." "No, it's not, Mulder! You know I have faults! You know that I stay by choice! I know that you feel responsible for a lot of the things that have happened to me, but you're not. They happened solely because of the choices I'VE made, not the choices you made." "I know that. And those choices, the choices to stay and follow me are the exact choices that I was referring to when I said your only fault was staying with me." "Do you really believe that?" "Yes." "Well, it's not true. I don't know what I can do to make you believe that. You are so hard on yourself. You believe what others say about you. All they have to do is suggest that you are weird, or wrong, or responsible and you feed right into it." I paused. "Remember this quote, 'The worm that destroys you is the temptation to agree with your critics, to get their approval.'" "Thomas Harris. Hannibal. Clarice Starling after she's smeared in the tabloids. I know I feed into some of it, but it's because deep down, I really believe it." He paused. "I'm impressed, Scully. I never knew you read those books." "Medical journals aren't the ONLY thing I've ever read, Mulder. Now, back to the subject. I'm a long way from perfect. What about the fact that I can be total harpy?" He laughed now, a full belly laugh and I smiled at him. "Scully, you crack me up! The truth is that if you are being ... a harpy ... it's probably because I've provoked you so I can hardly hold it against you." "What about the fact that I don't believe most of what you believe?" "That's who you are. Your skepticism and science have given many of my beliefs validity that they never had before. That's a plus, not a minus. And besides, if I faulted you for sticking to your beliefs, that would be asinine. It's one of the things I admire about you. You don't give in, not to me, or anyone else. You're so strong in your beliefs and your faith. You are as strong in your beliefs as I am in mine. That's why we balance each other out so well." "You think we balance each other out?" "Yes, I do." "O.K. Let's try this comparison then. I shot you. If I hadn't shot you, you wouldn't have bursitis in that shoulder. You wouldn't feel it aching every time it rains and you wouldn't have a scar. Do you hold that against me?" "No, of course not. You kept me from making the biggest mistake of my life." "Exactly. So why should I hold your decisions against you? Why are you responsible for the lousy things that happened to me any more than I'm responsible for the lousy things that have happened to you. We've both suffered, Mulder. Outside circumstances, the consortium, bureau politics have caused all this lousy stuff to happen, not us." "I guess you're right. I mean, intellectually, I know you're right. But emotionally, I ... I hurt every time you hurt. And I can't help but feel responsible. I was obsessed for a long time. I couldn't help myself. But you had choices. You could have been a doctor or a teacher at Quantico. You could have married and settled down and worked in the medical examiner's office from 9 to 5. You could have had a fast track career." "Coulda, shoulda, woulda. Mulder, listen to yourself. You were in Behavioral Science." "Did you ever notice the anacronym for Behavioral Science is B.S.?" I couldn't help but laugh. He could come up with the weirdest statements out of the blue sometimes. "The point is, Mulder, you were a brilliant profiler. You gave it up to investigate the X-Files. How is that any different from the choices I made?" "I had a personal agenda." "Maybe I did too." "What personal agenda could you have had?" "I didn't want to be what everyone expected me to be. My parents thought I would open a cozy, little practice, get married, have 2.5 kids, a house with a white picket fence." "And you didn't want that?" "Sometimes I thought I did. But that was why I joined the FBI in the first place. I said it was because I thought I could make a difference and distinguish myself, but the bottom line, the reality was that I thought practicing medicine in an office like millions of other doctors would be boring. I wanted to use my pathology background. I was tired of being the perfect, little girl. When Section Chief Blevins asked me if I would work with you, I was excited." "Excited?" "Yeah, I mean I knew what he was sending me there to do." "Debunk my work." "Yes, but I truly went to you with the attitude that I would form my own opinions about you and the work you did." "And your first impression," he asked. "You were nuts." We both laughed at that. "At the same time, I felt an overwhelming desire to impress you." "Impress me, why?" "I don't know. Maybe it goes back to that desire to be different, to be unique. I knew that you expected me to be naïve. I knew that you expected me to cower and be overwhelmed. I knew that you expected me to rat you out. Somehow, I was determined to prove you wrong. I don't even know if I realized it at the time." "Quite the little rebel, weren't you?" "Still am." "You've never told me any of this, Scully." "You never asked." "Cop out." "Yup." He smiled at me. "What about you? For as well as we know each other and what motivates each of us, we really don't know a lot, do we?" "I don't know. Sometimes I think I know you better than anyone else in the world." "And other times?" "And other times I feel like I know absolutely nothing about you. Like when you pursued this conversation." He paused. "It threw me for a loop." "A loop?" "Yeah, you never heard that expression?" "No." "It means you shocked me and confused me. Our wants and needs as regards personal relationships is an area that we have both circled with great caution. You never wanted to talk about it and so I didn't feel it would be appropriate to talk about it either." "Did you ever want to talk about it?" "Yes." "Do you want to talk about it now, Mulder?" "Yes, but I'm afraid." I looked at him then and he returned my look. He seemed calm. I knew the admission of fear was a difficult one for him. I didn't want to jump into this with both feet and my eyes closed either. We would have to ease into this little by little. Discussing this sort of thing was new territory for both of us. "Mulder, what exactly is it that you are afraid of?" "I'm afraid of scaring you with what I want, what I feel. I'm afraid of ruining our partnership. But most importantly, I'm afraid of losing our friendship. The rest of the world can go to hell in a hand basket, but I couldn't go on without your friendship, Scully." I felt the lump in my throat return. "I feel the same way, Mulder." He nodded. "So let's make a deal." "A deal?" "Yeah, we make a deal that no matter what is said here today, no matter how we feel afterwards, we will force ourselves to maintain our friendship. We will force ourselves to communicate about things if we are scared or uncomfortable." "I think I can do that." "O.K., then. Another question." "For some reason, Scully, I feel like right now, at this moment, I can tell you anything and it will be O.K. I feel like, even though I'm scared, WE will be O.K. We've never talked like this before, but I wish we had. I want to do it more. I want to know you, Scully. Really know you. I want to know your hopes, your desires, your dreams." "Right back at you." He smiled. "So shoot, what's your next question. I promise to be 100% truthful and forthcoming. If I stutter, pretend you don't hear it." He was joking again. I smiled at his attempts to relieve the tension. He always joked when things were tense between us. "What do you want out of your life, Mulder?" "My life? Or what do I want with regard to you? Could you be more specific?" "Well, let's start with you. What would you like to have in your life that you don't have? What do you hope to have in five or ten years?" "A wife, a home, a regular job." I peered at him quizzically. I never would have expected him to want those so-called normal things that everyone else wants. He was surprising me already. "Really?" "Pretty boring, huh?" "No, I'm just surprised." "Just because I'm a weirdo, doesn't mean that I enjoy being one." "I do NOT thinK you're a weirdo." He just smiled at me. "O.K., Mulder, the tough question. What do you want with regard to me?" I felt a bolt of fear go through me. Did I really want the answer to this? Was I ready for this? Now or never was my next thought. He was silent a moment and then looked me in the eye. "Whatever you're willing to give me." "What does that mean?!" I nearly shouted. God, he was confusing me even more. "It means exactly what I said." "That's a cop out answer, Mulder. That puts the ball entirely in my court and I'm not comfortable with that." I looked at my lap again, frustrated. "O.K., Scully. What do you want me to say? What do you want to hear?" "This is not about what I want to hear! This is about what you feel! I always know what you're thinking. I want to know what you're FEELING for a change." "Will you return the favor?" "Yes," I blurted out before I thought of what that would mean. But I was in for the long haul now, where ever this conversation took us. I realized that I could no longer live with the mystery. "Well, then maybe I should answer your first question." "Which one?" "Janet was right." I sat stock still as the import of those words sunk in. Janet was right. Janet was right! Oh God, he was in love with me! What did that mean?! I looked at him. He was staring at me. His bottom lip was quivering slightly and he caught it in his top teeth, then blew air out of his pursed lips, waiting for my response. My voice was a mere embarrassing squeak when I forced out, "She was?" He nodded. "Perceptive woman that Janet." He smirked self- consciously. I realized that I needed to make more of a response. "What does that mean to you, Mulder? What does that mean FOR you? What does that mean you want?" "It means that there is no one else for me and hasn't been in a very, very long time. It means that I can stay where we are and go crazy wanting more, in order to maintain our friendship. Or I can take a chance and tell you what I want." "What do you want?" "You." He saw by my hesitant expression that this wasn't enough of an answer. "I want you to be my ... significant other. I want you to be my girlfriend. I want you to be ... " Here he stopped and swallowed hard again, his eyes never leaving mine. Then he blurted it out. "I want you to be my lover." Holymotherofgod! He said it. He actually said it! I didn't think he would. My eyes darted around the room and then they just closed as I felt my heart rate go up at an alarming rate. Lover. Lover. I want you to be my lover. Oh Christ! What would that be like? Being Mulder's lover. I felt my insides grow warm. My breasts suddenly felt heavy and hey ached. Just the thought of it. What kind of lover would he be? All that passion he had. I slowly opened my eyes and saw him still watching me. He had gone still. I could see the fear in his eyes. I could see he was already starting to regret telling me. He thinks he went too far. "Scully?" His voice hitched, but he held my gaze. "Just processing, Mulder. Give me another second." He nodded. My mind swirled for a few more moments. I was talking to myself, telling myself to get a grip. This was Mulder. I didn't need to be afraid. Quite suddenly I realized the sensations I was feeling were not fear. I was aroused. I was really aroused. It had been way too long if I didn't even recognize the feeling and had mistaken it for fear. I knew that I needed to respond more than I had at this point. Could I take the risk? Could I jump into the frying pan? Yes! '.... he'd be all over you. I wanted this too. I didn't even realize how much. I couldn't seem to manage more than a whisper. "Mulder, just hearing you say that ... that you want me ... want me to be ... your lover ... makes me ..." Find the words Dana! His voice, low and raspy reached my ears. "Makes you what, Scully?" Deep breath. Deep breath. "Aroused. Christ, I'm turned on." I heard him gasp. I still had my eyes closed and I still hadn't moved. My hands were resting on my thighs. I felt the couch sag under his weight as he moved closer. Open your eyes, Dana! I couldn't. Not yet. I could feel the heat of his body next to mine as he drew close. I still couldn't bring myself to open my eyes. Was he going to touch me? Oh God, Mulder, I thought, please touch me. He must have been leaning just his torso forward because there was no contact except his cheek against mine. I shuddered, feeling his hot breath wash across my cheek, then his razor stubble slid across my cheek bringing his lips to my ear. Moist breath covered the shell of my ear and my head dipped toward the feel of his breath involuntarily. He whispered, "Glad I could return the favor." "Huh? Favor?" I squeaked. Damn, I sound winded! "Mmm. You arouse me all the time, Scully. I always wondered if I could turn you on. But I was always afraid to try." I opened my eyes as he nuzzled against my hair. One hand was on the back of the couch balancing him. The other one tentatively reached forward and covered my own hand on my thigh. His hand was warm and huge enough to cover my entire hand. I nuzzled him back, bringing his earlobe into my sights. Suddenly, it looked particularly inviting. What would he do? Could I start this? Should we talk more? Could I talk more at this point. As if he'd read my mind, he murmured, "Do we need to talk more?" I didn't answer for a second or two. Then I answered by leaning in and taking his earlobe into my mouth and sucking gently. The groan that emerged from his throat was animalistic, deep and ragged. It produced an answering wave of arousal in me. I felt my crotch grow warm and moist. He sucked in a ragged breath, still not moving his head away. "Jesus, Scully, don't do that unless you mean it." "Mean it?" "Unless you want me to lose control, don't do that." "Lose control?" "Make love to you." The words slid into my ear and echoed in my head. Make love to you. Make love to you. Not have sex with you. Not lose control and attack you. Make love to you. "Scuu...lly," he whispered. My name was like a prayer on his lips, filled with longing and reverence. "It's only fair to warn you that I'm about two seconds away from kissing you until you can't breath." "Oh God," I whimpered. That warm breath was doing alarming things to my body. "One," he whispered. He was counting! Giving me a chance to pull away. "Two." I'm lost. "Three," he said as his hands came up to cup my face. I gasped and a few words just sort of tumbled out of my mouth into his face. "Oh God, you make me want you, Mulder." "Huuuuhhhh," was his only response as his lips descended on mine. True to his words, he kissed me until I couldn't breath. He plunged his tongue into my mouth, no mercy. His kiss was hungry and desperate. His tongue nearly reached the back of my throat. He turned my head for a better angle and pressed my mouth wide open as though he could crawl inside. When oxygen became necessary, he finally backed up, gulping for air. He looked at me for two seconds and then began nipping my lips, my cheeks, and my eyelids with his soft lips, reluctant to stop the kiss. His breathing was ragged. I closed my eyes. His tongue moved down to my throat and licked its way down to my collarbone, finally latching onto my pulse at the base of my throat. He sucked and swirled his tongue over my pulse causing my whole body to experience a melting sensation the likes of which I was sure I'd never felt. I moaned like I'd never moaned. I was in serious trouble. I was going to totally lose control. We still had all our clothes on! If I was this disoriented now, what was going to happen when my skin touched his? Just the thought of that experience had me slumping backwards on the couch. His arms snaked around my waist and held me upright. He raised his head and rasped out, "Look at me, Scully." I tentatively opened my eyes. His hazel orbs were nearly black, his dilated pupils taking over his iris. He was blinking slowly. "I want ..." "What, Mulder?" I gasped, trying to catch my breath. "What do you want?" "I want to take the woman I love into my bedroom and make slow, hot, passionate love to her until she can't say her own name." Holy shit! Oh my God. This was it. Yes or no, Dana. Without any thought involved at all, it slipped out. One word. "Yeess." He swung into action. He stood up and scooped me effortlessly up into his arms. My arms wound around his neck and I watched his face as he walked slowly into his bedroom, a determined look on his face. He was careful to turn me sideways as we cleared the door jam. He didn't set me on my feet, but went directly to the bed and sat me down gently. No words were spoken. He just immediately reached for the button of my jeans and flicked them open, slowly pulling the zipper down. I lifted my hips as he slid them off my hips and down my legs, snagging my socks on the way. He was moving slowly but steadily as if savoring this, as though this were a once in a life time unveiling and he wasn't going to rush. He eyes traveled up and down my legs before reaching for the hem of shirt. He glanced at me but I could see that he was through asking for permission. He pulled my shirt up and I raised my arms to assist. He tossed the shirt on top of the jeans and immediately reached for the hook at the front of my bra. I braced myself with my hands flat on the bed, watching him. I could feel my insides shaking slightly. I wanted this so bad, but I was afraid too. Would I measure up? Would I be everything he expected? Everything he wanted? I wasn't the type of woman I usually saw that could turn his head. My bra fell open and he gently pushed it down my arms. I lifted my hands and he pulled it away, dropping it on the floor without looking. He stared at my chest. And stared. He gently pushed me back onto the bed, my legs dangling over the edge. He stepped between them and bent over me, his left arm supporting him. A shaky right hand landed on my ribs and slowly slid up to cup the underside of my left breast. He squeezed gently and I hummed in the back of my throat as the forgotten feeling of having a man's hands on me coursed through my torso. His thumb tweaked my nipple and I shuddered. He stood up then and hooked his fingers into my panties and pulled them down under my ass and off my legs with an impatient yank. He hadn't taken his eyes off my body. He returned to his former position. This time though, he bent and took my hardened nipple into his mouth and sucked. Hard. And slow. Incoherent groaning was all I could manage as he suckled me in slow motion. I reached for his waist band but he caught my wrists in each of his hands and brought them down to rest beside my head. I didn't protest. There was something very erotic about being completely naked in front of him while he was still totally clothed. It was a curious type of surrender that had never crossed my mind with any other lover. Not that I'd had that many. He moved to treat my other breast to the same careful attention as the first. He finally began making his way down my stomach, sucking on my hip bones and swirling his tongue in my navel. In short, driving me absolutely mad. His hands moved down to my hips as he knelt down and kissed the tender skin on the inside of my thighs and began licking his way up to my juncture with long laps of the flat of his tongue. I was panting and gripping the bedspread now in an effort to stay still. I choked on another moan as one hand brushed through my pubic hair exposing my hard little nub of nerves nestled at the top of my lips. He stopped and said, "Don't swallow your sounds, Scully, let them go. I don't know if it was that permission to be vocal was granted or not. But two seconds later I was wailing and bucking my hips into his face as his tongue assaulted my lips and plunged inside, his thumb making lazy circles around my clit. He wasn't touching it where I wanted his touch the most and I knew he was doing it on purpose. I felt the long forgotten sensation of an orgasm coiling in my gut and managed to rasp out, "Mulder, plleeaassee." I didn't have to ask twice. Two fingers began plunging in and out of my swollen lips, stretching my tunnel as his lips sank down to suck my nerve bundle into his mouth. He sucked on it much the same way he had my breasts. Slow, hard, long tugs. Oh hell. I just did something I know I'd never done. I screamed. I screamed really loud. Then I screeched his name as my orgasm thundered through my body. It was a head to toe experience that left me dizzy and panting and twitching with aftershocks. He had slowed his fingers and lightened his sucking but he was still riding the whole thing out with me. His ministrations had prolonged it. My new lover had just given me the most keening orgasm of my life. And he still had his clothes on. Bummer. I shakily raised my head and looked at him as he retracted his fingers and looked up at me with drowsy, hooded eyelids. He was panting harshly. His free hand was trembling where it laid on my thigh. I knew I must have the goofiest smirk on my face. Normally I would be embarrassed, but I couldn't seem to summon up the usual emotions that accompanied me during the sex of my past. I felt free. I felt liberated. I had given over to him completely and the sky hadn't fallen in. He had taken away my control and it was O.K. I knew he would give it back if I asked for it. I realized that was what made us so special. We truly were evenly matched, balancing each other's scales. Our trust and respect for each other erased the fear of inadequacy that usually reared its head at times like this. I trusted him to be honest with me. I trusted him not to fake a reaction. I trusted what his eyes told me when he looked at me like I was Venus risen. He loved me. I had no doubt about it now. He thought I was beautiful and sexy. I felt my heart swell, answering him with the same emotion that was shining in his eyes now, as he waited for me, not making a move until I let him know it was O.K. "Wow," I croaked. He smiled and stood up slowly, his joints creaking. "I'm getting too old for this 'kneeling on the floor' stuff," he quipped. "Maybe I can help you with that," I replied as I stared at the bulge in his pants. He looked down at himself and looked sort of sheepish. "I'd love it if you did." I smiled and sat up, perching on the edge of the bed, totally unselfconscious about my nudity for the first time in my life. But now I wanted him as naked as I was. "I think it's totally unfair, Mulder, that you still have all your clothes on. I would like to remedy that right now." "Would you now?" "Yes, and if you don't take them off, I'm going to start ripping them off myself. You've hidden that gorgeous body of yours from me for quite long enough." His eyebrows shot up and he smiled an incredulous smile. He couldn't believe those words had actually just come out of my mouth. "Gorgeous body, Scully?" I gave him the eyebrow. He began shedding his clothes. First to go was his shirt. Then his jeans and socks hit the floor. He stood before me in black silk boxers, his erection straining against the fabric, his head poking out the top. I motioned for him to step up to me as I ogled his chest and those fabulous stomach muscles. They rippled as I reached out to lay a hand flat on his abdomen. He peered down at the top of my head, waiting patiently for my next move. I didn't keep him waiting. I hooked my thumbs into the elastic of his boxers and slid them down his legs. He kicked them off as I stared at his penis. It was beautiful. It was engorged to the limit, standing almost straight up. His flared, circumcised head was red with blood. I wrapped my hand around him and felt the veins throbbing against my palm and he moaned and flexed his hips. He was thick, and very, very hard. And smooth as silk. "Bet I know what you want?" "Oh, you think so do you?" "Yes, I do." "Mind reading now, Scully? he teased. "Nope. Intuition." "Women's intuition?" "Maybe." "So, astound me with your intuition." I squeezed and watched a drop of precum ooze out onto his head. I had to taste it. I leaned forward and flicked my tongue over his head, lapping up the drop of fluid and humming in the back of throat. His knees buckled slightly and he moaned low in his throat again. "You trying to kill me, Scully?" I took pity on him and scooted back on them mattress, motioning for him to join me and lay down. He did. God, he was so beautiful. I straddled him and leaned over to kiss slow and deep until we both needed air again. Then I began the journey of exploring every inch of his magnificent body the way I'd always wanted to. Yes, I could admit it now. His body had always fascinated me. I'd seen him naked, but he was usually hurt or injured. I was in doctor mode and didn't have time to stop and enjoy the view. But that doesn't mean that impressions of what I saw weren't stuck to the back of my eyelids when I closed my eyes at night. Now it was all mine and I took my time, licking his neck and shoulders, sucking his nipples and running my hands over his arms and rib cage. He panted lightly and whimpered and moaned as I made my way down to my final destination. I finally knelt between his legs and he looked down at me. His voice was low and so sexy when he finally spoke. "Oh Scully, you're making me vibrate." I felt a little thrill at his words. "Yeah, I know what you want." I had given up control, but I had it back now and the feeling was glorious. I wanted him to writhe in pleasure, out of control, the same way I had done. I grasped him firmly and without further hesitation, slid my lips over him, licking the length of his shaft on the way down. He groaned and grabbed the sheets with one hand. The other touched my hair and I stilled. I realized he wasn't going to guide me, he just needed to touch me. I was glad he wasn't one of those guys who treated your mouth like your vagina. It was a lot more sensitive. I hummed around him and began retreating and swallowing his length, sucking him and then licking and sucking again. He went wild when I cupped his testicles with my free hand and began squeezing them gently in time with my sucking. He tasted wonderful, slightly salty, and felt so silky in my mouth. I could feel him getting even more rigid, which I didn't think was possible. His hips were flexing constantly now and he was groaning with abandon, but he didn't thrust. He panted, "Yeah, you're intuition is pretty impressive, Scully. This is, without a doubt, exactly what I wanted." I kept my hand wrapped around the bottom of his shaft, the part that wouldn't fit into my mouth as he bumped the back of my throat, and squeezed it in time with my bobbing. He let me control his depth. As I relaxed, I could take most of him in and let him bump the back of my throat without gagging. I was taking my time still. He began murmuring, "Scully, oh God Scully, so good, so good. Oh, you're so good at this. Oh man, yeah. Just like that. I can't believe your sucking on me. You're really sucking on me. Dreams. Only in my dreams." Then he took up groaning again. My nipples were rock hard and I was leaking fluids at a steady rate now, hearing his words and feeling the waves of his excitement wash over me. I could feel the insides of my thighs becoming slick with my own moisture. I'd never enjoyed giving head like this! The few times I'd done it before, I always got directed or criticized. Mulder was doing neither. He was taking what I would give him, just like he said. But I knew he wasn't settling. I could tell from his groaning and reactions that I was driving him as crazy as he'd driven me. It was a feeling that made me feel high. Giving him pleasure, was giving me pleasure. Maybe that's what part of love was. Or maybe, that's what 'making love' was. Eureka! The good doctor, that would be me, had finally found a definition for the distinction between having sex and making love. I was in love. I was really in love for the first time in my life. My feelings for the other men in my life were shadows compared to my feelings for this man, my partner. My Mulder. More pleasure. Want to give him more pleasure. I felt my throat relaxing and my body melting as I repeated the mantra in my head. I'm in love. I'm in love. Oh my God, I'm really in love. I straddled his leg and began rubbing my sopping wet crotch against the prickly hair of his muscular thigh. Then it happened. He bumped the back of my throat. I felt my tongue go limp as I tilted my chin up. I put both hands on his hips and closed my eyes. And he slid down my throat. It was like magic. It was like I was dreaming. His shout of utter pleasure and joy vibrated through me. I could feel him throb in my throat. "Oh Fuck, Scully!" he shouted. "Oh my God, Oh my God, Yeess! Yeeesss!" It was as though a haze of pleasure descending on both of us as I raised my head up, sucking fiercely and dropping down to relax again and feel him slid down my throat, hot and silky. My hips undulated against his thigh, pressing my clit between my pubic bone and his hard muscle. My hips slipped and now his knee was grinding into my pubic bone. The throbbing sensation in my throat was like nothing I'd ever experienced. You would think I had a clitoris in my throat. Each throb created an answering wash of excitement in my body. My abdomen was melting and my nipples were painfully hard. My breasts were hanging to the side of his balls when he reached down with both hands and gently squeezed each nipple between his thumb and forefinger. I came. I can't believe it. I just came ... really hard ... again. I lost all control of my muscles and I dug my nails into his hips. My head jerked upright just as I was about to gag and my tremors forced my head back as I shouted a wordless shout and bucked on his knee. I came back to earth, panting, holding myself on all fours, barely. He was holding his hand around the base of his cock and panting. He slowly let go and moaned. "Oh lord, Scully, you are so beautiful." I crawled up his body and flopped onto this torso to the sound of his chuckles. I gasped out, "I can't believe I just had an orgasm while giving you head." I giggled a little hysterically, realizing how weird that was. He laughed and then quickly rolled me over and shimmied his hips between my thighs. I raised my legs to wrap them around his waist. His hands went to my head, his arms supporting his weight. I could feel him, hard and nudging my entrance. His mirth faded and bent down to kiss me gently. "I knew you would be passionate, but I didn't have any idea. I'm blown away." "I've never been this carried away," I admitted. "Must be something to do with being in love." His eyes widened slightly and he whispered, "I must be dreaming." With that he sunk down to kiss me again. I wiggled my hips against him, causing the head of his swollen cock to dip inside my entrance. He raised his head and groaned. "I love you so much, Scully." And he slid inside. All the way. Really deep. Oh. My. God. My whole body began to tremble as he felt his not inconsiderable length and thickness stuffed inside me. Despite my orgasms, he was stretching my walls to the limit. They were taut and burning as they stretched to accommodate. He was hissing his breath between clenched teeth. "Don't move yet, " I panted. He nodded, giving me time to adjust. "You O.K.?" "Yeah, it's just been a long time." "Good." I chuffed out the beginning of a laugh at that remark but then felt my body melt once more as he let more of his weight sink down onto my pelvis. I hadn't even realized he was holding some his weight away. This little move pressed him harder against my cervix and made my womb contract with an unbelievable spasm. I moaned. "Mulder, you feel so fucking good." Now it was his turn to suppress a laugh. "Did you just say 'fucking'?" Now we both laughed. Joy was poring out of both of us as we realized we were finally joined. This was really going to happen. Finally. I pulled my hips back and thrust them up again. He grunted and started moving slowly, in and out. He increased the length of his strokes until he was sliding almost all the way out and slipping back in to the hilt. Oh this felt good. Vibrating indeed. My whole body was buzzing with pleasure that spiked a little higher with every stroke. His head bent down to my neck and he began to nip and suck at my pulse again. I moaned like I have never moaned. I moaned and shrieked and groaned like a porn whore. I never knew such sensations were possible. And I certainly never thought I would make these sounds. They always seemed so fake on those videos. But I guess they were modeled after a possibility. A possibility that I never dreamed could happen to me. But there they were, pouring uncontrollably out of the back of my throat until I was hoarse and wheezing. I shrieked and babbled and chanted his name as he sped up, hitting me harder and harder until we were slamming each other almost brutally on impact. One of his arms lifted off the bed and slipped between us to grab and squeeze my breast as he continued to pound me and suck on my neck. I'm not sure if he planned for all this to hit at once. But he squeezed my nipple, hard. At the exact same time he slammed into me, crushing my clit between us. And he bit me. He bit me! He scraped his teeth over the tender flesh over my pulse, and he nipped me, pretty hard, sucking my skin between his teeth as he released his hold. Sensory overload, folks. It felt like I exploded as a sharp bolt of sizzling pleasure echoed his bite and shot down my body, straight to my aching clit that was crushed beneath his pubic bone. My inner walls clamped down on him so hard I heard him shout through my haze of mind bending pleasure that had stolen my sight as I convulsed underneath him. I was dizzy and sweating like mad. I could feel our slick skin sliding over each other as he continued to stroke me fast and deep. When I finally opened my eyes to look at him, he clenched his teeth, let go of my boob and braced himself for the final run. I panted to him, "Yes, yes, Mulder, come for me. Come inside me. Yeah, come for me." He shouted and pounded me so fast and so hard. I glanced down and his hips were a blur in my unfocused vision. He wailed out my name. I felt an incredible expansion of his cock inside me and then he screamed. A low man scream that was almost a growl as he emptied himself inside me as he continued to pull in and out as if he had no control. He scraped my over sensitized clit again and I felt myself give some involuntary spasms around his twitching flesh as it softened inside me. I don't know how long we laid there, panting, running our hands over each other where ever we could reach. Neither of felt the need to talk anymore. We'd said everything that needed to be said for the moment. I knew that we would need to talk again. I knew that if we were to be a couple, a real couple, we needed to do some serious work on our verbal communication skills. The non-verbal communication was almost magic, dare I say mythical? But when it came to verbally expressing our feelings, well, we both sucked at it. Although clumsy and scared, we'd done all right tonight, but I knew it would be an ongoing effort. Non verbal was good, but the fact was that we both needed to 'hear' things. We both needed to hear the words, hear that we were loved, hear that we were cherished. Otherwise, it was just another emotion, rattling around in our already insecure minds. We would never be sure. I'd never felt this loved in my entire life, not even by my family. I knew my family loved me. But Mulder cherished me. I was a part of Mulder. I knew it. He knew it. And he also knew that he was a part of me. We both knew, whether it had been said or not, that neither of us was complete without the other. In the spirit of my new found resolution to be more vocal, I lifted his head from my shoulder, cradling his jaw between my palms. He smiled a lazy smile at me and gave my shoulders a squeeze. "Mulder." "Hmm?" "I love you, Mulder. I'm really, really, in love with you." He bit his lower lip again. God, I loved it when he did that! It was so cute. He looked so vulnerable when he did that. "It scares the shit out of me, but I know we can make this work." He smiled a big, toothy smile at me, his eyes suspiciously damp again. "You know I love you too, right? You really believe me." "Yes." "We have some work to do." "I was thinking the same thing." "Scully, we don't have to figure it all out tonight, do we?" I smiled, "No Mulder, but we do have to do a lot more talking instead of guessing." He nodded. "I'll work on it if you will." "I will." "Want to shower with me, Scully? I promise to behave myself." I pretended to seriously consider his offer, pressing a finger against my lips. "Hmmm. Well, I suppose so." "You suppose so?" he asked, his eyes twinkling. "Yeah, I suppose so, although I'd rather you stopped behaving yourself all together from now on." "All together? You sure?" I looked at his mischievous grin. "Maybe not." He laughed. "You're in for it now, Agent Scully." "Oh, how's that?" "Misbehaving Mulder can be an awful handful, you know?" I looked at him like he'd just said the most obvious thing in the world. "And you think I, of all people, don't know that?" He grinned again. "Yeah, I guess you would. Think you can keep handling me?" "Handling you?" "You've done a good job so far." "Yeah, but it will be better now." "How come?" "Cause now I don't have to RELY on my intuition. I can use my HANDS when I have to handle you!" We both laughed and crawled out of the bed wincing at our protesting muscles and staggered into the bathroom. I stopped in the doorway as he proceeded to the shower to get the water going. I looked at the bed, sheets and bedspread all crunched into a ball on one side of the bed. Under my breath, I murmured. "Oh yeah, Mulder, screw intuition. I'll be handling you a LOT from now on." THE END. 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