Lasting Consequences

Debra Fran Baker




Chapter One
**************

*Friday Night*

"Scully!  Stop!"

I hadn't been sleeping, so the screams didn't wake me this time.  I
wrapped my arms around Fox Mulder, who was shaking with terror.

"It's all right, Fox.  I'm here.  Agent Scully's fine.  She's alive and
well and sleeping at home."  Actually, I doubted that last.

"Scully's...dead."  Mulder's words were punctuated by deep, sobbing
breaths.  There were no tears yet.

"You called her two hours ago.  Remember?"

"I did?"  The sleepy eyes sought mine, searching for something.  Truth?
Reassurance?  I nodded, giving him all I could.

"Yes.  She's fine.  You'll see her in the morning."

"Okay.  But if she's not there, I'll find you."  Mulder tried a weak
smile.  But he still clung tightly to me.  I stroked his hair.

"I won't let anything happen to either one of you, Fox.  Not if I can
stop it.  I love you."

As usual, at those words Mulder buried his head in my shoulder as if he
were trying to hide.  He began to cry.  I held him as he rocked, until
he quieted.  It had been a long night.  It had been a long few days.

"Walter..."  My name still sounded awkward on Mulder's lips, as badly as
"Fox" fit on mine.

"I'm here."

"Scully isn't asleep, is she?"

"Probably not."

"Neither were you."

"No."

"Oh, God, Walter.  Why don't you let me go home?  You'd get some sleep."

"No, I wouldn't.  I can't forget that first night."

"I'm not suicidal."

I just held him.

                                *   *   *

*Previous Monday Afternoon*

The door closed behind Dana Scully.  I stood and Mulder sat in mutual
shock at her words.  She *knew*.  She knew about the fire burning
between us.  She knew the secret we had been hiding almost from
ourselves.  And she said that no one else did, which could only mean
that she had been keeping it.

Mulder looked up at me.  "Now what?  I feel like a rug's been pulled out
from under us."


I sat next to Mulder and drew his chair closer.  He closed his eyes for
a moment.  "So do I.  Fox."  I had never called Mulder that before; I
knew Mulder disliked his first name.  Mulder smiled.  A glorious Mulder
smile, like the sun coming from behind a cloud for a second and, as
quickly, hidden.

"I..we...have so much invested in staying apart and playing safe.  Okay,
my partner knows something.  Maybe everything.  Now what do we do?  Oh,
God, sir!  We can't go backwards into nothing."

"No, we can't.  And I'm tired of playing this damn game.  Especially
now."  I slowly reached for Mulder's hands as they fidgeted in his lap.
Mulder watched my hands move towards him.

It was like capturing two baby birds.  I held his hands gently, stroking
them lightly, calming their frantic movement.  It was not the way I'd
expected this first mutual touch to be.  There was no fire, no flair of
arousal.  Instead, there was relief and fear and tenderness, all mixed
in with Mulder's pain and confusion.

Today, Mulder had witnessed his partner shoot herself in the head and
lie in a pool of her own blood.  Today he saw another woman hold a gun
to him; held a gun on her.  Today, his partner all but betrayed him in
the concern she and I had felt for him.  And now, with the woman who
caused all of this dead by that same partner, and the case solved for
good, all Mulder felt was empty.  That's what he had said.  There had
been nothing Scully or I could say that eased it.

I had been paralyzed.  I'd wanted to take Mulder in my arms, but we were
denying ourselves that to preserve ourselves and our careers.  Now
Scully had freed us with her words.  And I had not thought past that
moment.

"I could have killed her today."

"You didn't."

"I've almost killed her three times.  Three times!"

"And all three times you've refrained."

"Because of *her.*  She saved herself.  I'm useless."

"You solved the case.  You determined who the killer was.  We didn't
believe you, but you were right."

"And I walked right into her trap."  Was Mulder crying?

"Fox...don't."  I got up and put my arms around him.  He buried his head
on my shoulder.   The position was awkward as hell, but it also felt
right to let Mulder weep into me.  I stroked the his back and, without
thinking about it, dropped kisses onto his soft hair.  I felt Mulder's
lips on my neck.

  We stayed like that for a while, until Mulder was calm enough to
loosen his grip.

"I'm sorry, sir."

"Walter."

"Walter.  I'm still sorry."

"Today was very stressful.  It would be odd if your emotions weren't
raw."

Mulder scrubbed at his eyes.  "The last few minutes have had their own
emotions."

I nodded.  "I know.  My own emotions aren't too stable, either.  Except
for one."  I looked straight at Mulder's eyes.  "I love you, Fox.  Right
or wrong, smart or stupid, I love you."  Mulder needed honesty.

"Is this the part when you sweep me off my feet and carry me to a
romantic hideaway?"

"Only in my dreams, Mulder.  I want you in my bed, but it's not going to
happen tonight."

"No?"  Mulder gave me a look that would have been smoldering if his eyes
hadn't been wet and red.

"Tonight, Agent Mulder my love, you will go home, eat a real meal and
sleep, and try to forget about today."

He looked stricken.  "*All* of today?"

"No.  Just the part that makes you feel empty."

A nod.  "And us?"

"Don't worry, Fox.  I *will* get you to that romantic hideaway."

"When?"  Something in his voice told me he wasn't joking this time.

"Very soon, I promise.  Just not tonight.  Go home, Agent Mulder.  I'll
see you tomorrow."

Mulder nodded.  He let me release his hands and we both stood up.
"No kiss goodbye?"  I couldn't read his face, but I could guess.

I grinned.  "You don't get away that easily."   Mulder fit perfectly in
my arms as we embraced.  I brought Mulder's head down to meet my lips.
For a moment, I lost myself in the kiss.  Then, summoning all of my
control, I broke away with a final apologetic peck on Mulder's cheek.

"Go home, Fox.  Take care of yourself.  For me."

Mulder nodded, grinned, kissed my nose and left the office.

I sat down at my desk and looked at the papers waiting for my perusal.
I pushed them away and called the basement office.

"Scully."  The woman who held my career in her hands.  This was crazy.

"Agent Scully?  This is Skinner.  That must have been a difficult thing
to do."

"It needed to be done, sir."

"You are a wise woman.  Mulder should be down there soon.  I've sent him
home.  Can you make sure he gets there, or at least leaves?"

"I'll try, sir."

"While you're at it, why don't you leave as well?  Your day hasn't been
much less stressful."

"Thank you, sir.  If I may...nor has yours."

"I have work to finish. You do not.  Go home, Agent Scully."

"Yes, sir.  But...take care of yourself."

"Good-bye, Agent Scully."

"Good-bye, sir."

I replaced the phone and stared at the paperwork again.  Instead of
working, I closed my eyes.

"What have I gotten myself into?"  I asked the empty office.  Of course,
I thought, it was possible someone had heard me anyway.  How could I be
so stupid as to kiss Mulder in the office?  What was done, was done.
Assuming we still had careers, all I had to do was figure out how to
carve a secret relationship with a man watched by everyone and haunted
by demons of his own creation.  At least it wouldn't be boring.


Chapter Two
***************

Two hours later, I gave up on finishing the day's collection of papers
and went home.  I told myself not to call Mulder for a while.  He didn't
want me to mother him - that was Scully's job.  I had other plans for
Mulder.  Idiotic plans, given the risks, but plans nevertheless.

For a moment, I let the fantasies wash over me.  I tried dressing Mulder
in black leather, but my mind resisted.  It made him look too much like
all those anonymous men I'd picked up in bars, and Mulder was nothing
like them.  Mulder was like no one else on Earth.

Other visions came.  Mulder, smiling across my kitchen table.  I thought
I would do anything just for a promise of one of his smiles.  Mulder
laughing. I'd never seen Mulder laugh.  I needed to see him laugh.

Mulder, sweaty and flushed with passion in my bed.  Mulder, relaxed and
happy, leaning against me and staring at a fire.  Mulder tanned and
beautiful at a beach, a simple gold ring hanging from a chain around his
neck.

Most wonderful, most seductive, most dangerous of all - Mulder confident
and elegant in a tuxedo and on my arm at some State department function,
that same ring gleaming from his left hand.

At that moment I believed that Mulder's happiness was more important
than my own.


I'd just pulled a couple of frozen dinners out of the microwave when my
phone rang.

"Skinner."

"Sir, it's me.  Scully.  How soon can you get to Mulder's apartment?"
Her whisper sounded urgent, rushed.

"Thirty minutes this time of night.  Scully, what's wrong?"

"Come quickly, sir.  He needs you.  I don't know how long I can manage.
He's...holding his gun."

I had already grabbed my jacket.  "I'm on my way, Scully.  Do you want
me to call the police?"

"I don't know.  No.  Not yet."

I fought the urge to speed all the way to Mulder's apartment.  I did not
want to risk getting pulled over.  That would waste more time than
speeding would save.  Or so I told myself.  Perhpas I was just afraid of
what I'd see.  Instead, I prayed.  I wasn't certain Who was hearing my
prayers, though, since it seemed that God had forgotten Mulder a long
time ago.

The apartment door was unlocked.  I opened it.

Mulder was sitting on one side of his couch.  His feet were on the
cushion and his arms were wrapped around his knees.  He was rocking.
His eyes were wild.  His weapon was in his hand.  The safety was off.
It was pointed to his head.

That scene seared itself into my memory.

Scully was sitting on the couch.  Her eyes were red and she was
breathing heavily.  She was reaching towards Mulder, but he kept pulling
away.

"No, Scully.  I gave you the time.  It's up now."

"Time for what, Fox?"  Mulder jumped at the sound of my voice.  Scully
grabbed the gun and pulled the clip.  Sobbing with relief, she collapsed
onto the couch.  Meanwhile, I'd managed to get to the sofa behind Mulder
and wrap my arms around him before he could take the weapon back.

"No!"  The scream cut through my heart.  Mulder tried to fight me, but I
just held on.  "Let me go!"

"No.  You can't fight me, Fox.  You don't want to fight me."

"Don't make me stay here."

"It will get better.  I promise.  Just let us help you."

"Scully?"  He became still.

"I'm here, Mulder.  We're both here for you."

"You're all right?"

"I'm fine, Mulder.  I'm right here."

"I'm scared.  All I can see is you on the floor."  He clutched at my
arms.

"I was never on that floor.  Linda Bowman made you see it."

"I know that in my head, but I don't *believe* it.  I could have killed
you."

"But you didn't."

"I could have.  I've come so close so many times.  What if somebody else
succeeds?  Makes me believe you're a clone or something?"

"You will not kill me, Mulder.  I won't let you."  Scully's voice was
calm and certain.

His eyes went wide.  "Scully, if it ever comes to that...kill me first."
I tightened my grip.

"I won't kill you, Mulder.  It will never be necessary."

"You shot me once."

"I won't kill you, and I won't let you kill yourself.  You are my
partner and my best friend and I will not let anyone harm you.  Not even
yourself."  Now her voice contained steel.

I believed her.  If anyone could make certain of that, the woman sharing
the couch with us could.  Thank God she was on our side.

"Fox?"

"Yes?"

"Why?  Why did I come here and find you pointing a gun at yourself?"

"Because I don't want to point it at anyone else.  And I don't want to
remember.  Please, let go of me.  Let me...let me go to sleep."  He was
crying now.  "Let me not have to think about everything and everyone
going wrong.  Let me not have to dream.  Let me..."  I twisted him in my
arms and let him sob against me.  I looked at Scully over Mulder's head.
She met my eyes straight on.   Then she got up, found her bag and began
to rummage through it as I murmured comfortingly to Mulder.   She found
what she was looking for - a prescription bottle.  She showed it to me.
It was for a tranquilizer, it was made out to Fox Mulder in her name and
it was dated that day.  She went into the kitchen and brought back a cup
of water.

Slowly, Mulder's sobs quieted, until he was lying still and exhausted on
my chest.  Scully took out two of the pills.

"Mulder?"

"Yeah?"

"I want you to take these."

"I don't want to."

"It's the only way you're going to sleep tonight."

"I don't want to sleep.  I'll dream of today."

"I'll give you enough so you won't dream tonight."

"Fox...take the pills."  I used my Assistant Director voice.  Not that
it ever worked on Mulder before, but it was worth trying.

"Why are you taking her side?"

"Because she's right."

"Scully's always right.  Except for when she's wrong."

"She's not wrong now.  Take the pills."

"If I don't?"

"Mulder, if you don't take the pills, we will call 911 and have you
taken to a psych ward on a suicide watch.  We should do that any way."
I could see her hands tremble at those words, but whatever she was
feeling did not touch her voice.

He sat up, still enclosed in my arms.  "What?"

"You admit you're suicidal.  This isn't the first time you've wanted to
kill yourself."  I looked at her sharply.  What did she know?  Scully
knew everything.  "If we don't have you admitted knowing this and you
take your life, it's our moral responsibility.  If we call 911, it will
be on your record forever.  It's your choice."

"If I take the pills?"

"If you take the pills, Agent Scully and I will stay here for the rest
of the night and we will see how you are in the morning."

"I won't see an agency shrink.  I have to watch what I say to them.  Now
more than ever."  Damn.  That was too true.  The sessions were supposed
to be confidential, but it all went on the record.

"Mulder, we'll talk about this in the morning.  Take the pills."

He held out his hands and took the medicine and the water.  Afterwards,
he opened his mouth wide.

"See?  I took them like a good little boy."

The dosage must have been high, since within minutes Mulder was snuggled
up on me, fast asleep.  He felt like a rag doll in my arms.

"He always looks so young like that.  Until the dreams start, I mean."
Scully was serious.


What was she admitting?  "Are you sure you want to talk about this,
Agent Scully?"  She didn't seem to hear me.

"Mulder doesn't sleep much, unless he's utterly exhausted or sick, or
drugged.  That's one of the reasons he hates hospitals - they drug him
every night.   He hates drugs."  She looked embarrassed and guilty.

"We had to do it, Agent Scully.  Dana."

"I know.  That doesn't make it pleasant."

"No, it doesn't.  You had that filled today.  I didn't know you could do
that."

"Because my practice is limited to dead people?"

"Yes."  I managed a grin.

"It *was* limited to dead people.  Over the past few years, I've treated
a number of live ones.  Mulder in particular.  I made sure I could write
scrips for him."  She patted his hand.

"What happened here, Dana?"

"Dana." She shook her head. "Sometimes I wonder if that's my name
anymore.  What happened?  You sent both us of home early after an
especially trying day.  Mulder was looking happy but very agitated when
he came down to the office to pick up his stuff.

"I know Mulder. I know how he reacts after events like this.  He can't
sleep or he has nightmares.  He used to sleep on the floor in my motel
rooms, did you know that?"

"I knew he had nightmares.  Are you sure you should be saying all this?"

She smiled at that.  "It didn't happen often, but it did happen.
Usually after one of us had a bad dream.  Oh, yes.  I get nightmares,
too.  Mine come from the last few years.  Mulder's come from being
Mulder.  The FBI's prize basketcase.  I shouldn't say that.  Not to
you."

"I love that basketcase.  God help me, but I do."  Now it was my turn to
make admissions, except that Scully already knew everything anyway.  I
stroked his sleeping head.  Scully didn't even blink.  She did chuckle.

"I know.  I love him, too, the bastard.  Anyway, I know he hates drugs,
but maybe if he were feeling bad enough he'd take a sleeping pill
tonight.  So I decided to get him some and bring them over.  It was an
excuse of sorts.  I wanted to check up on him."

"And you found him..."

"I found him playing with a loaded gun in his hand.  Turns out he tried
to call me while I was running my errand.  My cellphone was off and he
couldn't reach me.  He decided that he had seen me die and he'd killed
me and he couldn't face it.  He couldn't face you, either."

"I guess not."  I was jealous, but at least she was there for him.

"He didn't quite see me when I walked in the door.  I turned on my
cellphone and called you and began bargaining for time.  Literally.
Five minutes.  Ten minutes.  Twenty minutes.  Thirty minutes.  I was
praying that you would arrive when you said.  He kept insisting that I
was dead and that I was just his imagination and that he didn't want to
face the X-files without me."

"He's very dependent on you."

"I'm dependent on him, and I'm not sure how healthy that is.  I'm glad
you're part of his life now."

"How did you know?  Fox was convinced you didn't know anything, and he
was wracked with guilt over that."

"Mulder likes feeling guilty.  It makes him feel in control of things.
I knew ... almost immediately.  Little things that added up.  And then
Krycek showed up and you never saw such a lovesick puppy.  I was
amazingly jealous.  He was *my* partner, and that rat even got to sleep
with him.  I'm not blind, you know.  Purgatory is being stuck with an
absolutely gorgeous partner who is brilliant and who respects you as an
intelligent human being and having him be both nuts and gay."  She
sighed dramatically.  "And then you two...I'm surprised that the whole
agency isn't talking about you two.  I hope this works for you.  I'll do
what I can to help."

"You're not jealous?"

"Are you?"

"Right now, I'm worried."

"So am I."

Something felt off.  "Dana? How much did you give him?  He's not
moving!"

Scully felt for a pulse.

"He's fine.  He's just down very deep.  His heart's beating quite
nicely.  I didn't want him to dream tonight.  Why don't we stretch him
out on the couch?  That might feel nice now, but you are going to want
to move sometime tonight."

"Good idea.  I hate leaving him, though."

"He'll be fine.  I suggest that we not leave him alone like this,
though.  Damn.  He should be in a hospital tonight."

"Do you really think so?"  If she'd said yes, we'd do it.  I was
relieved when she shook her head.

"He'd never forgive us.  I won't do that to him.  Besides, this we can
keep out of his jacket.  Let's get him settled."

It took both of us, but we managed to get him fully horizontal and
supported by the couch instead of by me.  Scully even managed to find a
blanket and a pillow somewhere.  Not from the bedroom.  The bed was
covered in so much junk that I wondered why he bothered owning one.

We had a brief discussion about dinner.  Scully ended up ordering pizza.
I noticed it was number four on the speed dial.  Number one was her.
Number two was his mother.  Number three was Chinese.  Mulder didn't
cook.  I must have been trying to distract myself by worrying about this
nonsense.

The rest of that night passed slowly.  This was the first time I'd
gotten to know Scully as more than just the partner of my problem agent.
We finished the pizza and took turns keeping Mulderwatch.  When we were
both awake, we chatted about...things.  Music, sports teams, the
military, Mulder and his obsessions, agency gossip.  Scully was a font
of agency gossip.  She knew everyone and everyone spoke to her.

As the drugs began to wear off, Mulder's sleep became more restless.
Scully vetoed the idea of waking him to take an additional dose, so
someone had to be awake at all times.  Twice, Mulder almost fell off the
couch.  Finally, I sat under Mulder's head and held him.  Thus secure, I
dozed off.

Chapter Three
***************

I was awake when Mulder regained consciousness.  I was rewarded with a
dazzling smile when Mulder realized in whose lap he was lying.  Then
Mulder tried to sit up.  He must have had a monster headache from the
drugs, because he lied down immediately.

"Ohhh.  Scully.  Where's Scully?"  He tensed visibly.

"I'm right here, Mulder."  At the sound of her voice, Mulder relaxed.

"What happened?  Why are you both here?"

I stroked Mulder's hair.  "What do you remember, Fox?"

Mulder closed his eyes.  "I remember...not knowing where Scully was.  I
remember...I remember that she was dead.  I thought she was dead.  I
wanted to be dead, too.  My gun!"

"Easy, Fox.  Your gun is safe."

"I didn't use it?"

"No.  We didn't let you."

"I remember.  You came in.  Everything was supposed to be all right
because you came in, but it wasn't.  Then Scully drugged me.  You
threatened me!"

"Yes, I did, Mulder.  And that threat still holds.  You scared us both
last night."

"I scared myself last night...I'm still scared."

"It's all right, Fox.  We're here.  And we will deal with this."

"I'm not taking leave.  I'm not turning in my gun.  And I'm not going to
therapy."  At that moment, Mulder sounded like a twelve-year old, and it
was not cute and it was not charming.  I was getting annoyed, until I
saw how desperate he was to keep some semblance of dignity.

"Very well, then, Fox. You're being stupid and stubborn, but that's
nothing new.  You will have to abide by our rules."

"You and Scully ganging up on me?"

"We love you best, Mulder.  This is good because we're going to be
around a lot.  You're not going to be left alone for awhile.  At least
until the nightmares stop."

"Nightmares never stop, Scully."

"No, but they do become less important."

"Yeah.  Sometimes.  If I ever convince my subconscious you're alive,
I'll be okay.  I'm probably fine in the light of day even now."

"Probably isn't enough, Mulder.  If I have to handcuff myself to you in
the office to keep you next to me, I will."

"Oooh, kinky.  What if we go into the field?"

At least his sense of humor, such as it was, was back.  That was a good
sign.  "You're not going into the field, Fox.  You have enough work to
keep both of you busy in the office for a few days, and I will not
authorize any trips."  I smiled at that.  Maybe they would actually file
some real paperwork for a change.

"What about my gun?  Do I get it back?"

"I would love to take it away from you.  You don't need it if you aren't
in the field and I can't stand the thought of you having it at all."

"But you're not going to?"  Mulder's voice was full of hope and
apprehension.

"No.  It would go in your file, and if that happens we might as well do
the right thing and get you real help.  I can't believe we're not doing
that."  I rubbed my head.  "You will have your weapon and you will keep
it loaded as regulated.  However, you are not to carry it unless you are
with me or Agent Scully.  That means that should you need to visit the
men's room, you will remove your weapon."  I hated humiliating him like
that, but I couldn't stand the idea of Mulder alone with a gun after
that night.  Oddly enough, Mulder didn't protest.

"What about when I'm home?"

I smiled at that one.  "Pack your bags, Fox.  You're going home with
me."

"Trying to take advantage of the situation, Walter?"  Mulder looked into
my eyes.

"Maybe."  I looked back.  There were secrets in Mulder's eyes.  I wanted
to plumb their depths.

"Gentlemen..."

Both of us started as Scully's amused voice.

"You can discuss your plans for the evening later.  Right now, we have
to get this organized."

An hour later, in the parking garage, Scully handed Mulder his weapon,
and they went to their office to tackle the mountain of paperwork.  I
restrained myself from calling them every few minutes, and from
visiting.  The next few days were going to be tricky enough without me
giving Mulder visible attention.  On the other hand, I had definite
plans for the evening.  So long as we were playing with fire, we might
as well cook marshmallows.  I just hoped Mulder was ready for this.

I wanted to leave early, but that would only be noticed.  So, Mulder and
Scully stayed later in their basement, waiting for me to call down.

They met me in the parking garage by my car.  Mulder sullenly gave me
his gun, and Scully gave me a small pill box.

"Walter, I'm giving you two of those tranquilizers from last night."

"I'm not getting knocked out again.  Not even for Walter to have his way
with me."

"Hmmm." I pretended to consider it.  "Darn.  Not my tastes at all."
Then again, neither was Mulder.  Love was strange.  "Seriously, do you
think he'll need them?"

"He's the psychologist, not me."

"Folks, I'm right here?"  We ignored him.

"If he has any trouble sleeping, give him one half.  That should relax
him without knocking him out.  I gave you two just in case he has
another night like last night."

"I will not be knocked out and I won't try to kill myself."

"I'm keeping the rest of the pills with me.  Did you do what I asked?"

"Bathroom's safe.  I can't do much about the kitchen."

"I know.  Just keep an eye on him."

"I intend to keep more than an eye on him."

"I don't want to know."  She smiled.  "Good night, Mulder.  I'll see you
in the morning."

      Scully found her car and drove away, while Mulder glared at me.

"I'm really not going to kill myself."

"Good.  I want you around for a long time.  Besides, I intend to wear
you out.  You won't even need a half of a pill."  Mulder grinned at
that.

"Promise?"

I looked around.  No one was in sight.  I pulled Mulder close to him and
kissed him quite thoroughly.

"I promise, Mulder.  And I keep my promises."


Chapter Four
**************

We pulled up separately at my apartment, but rode the elevator together,
carrying Mulder's bags and the work we'd both taken home.

"Alone at last!  Where do I put my stuff?"

"Just carry it up to my room.  I've made some room for you."

"I'm not going to have to stay here forever."

That hurt.  "No, Fox, but you don't have to live out of a suitcase.
I'll start dinner and join you up there."  I tossed a chicken and some
potatoes into the oven.  It didn't take long.  Then I followed Mulder.

Mulder, who had taken off his shoes and socks and loosened his tie but
was otherwise completely dressed, even to his suitcoat, was sitting on
my bed, channel surfing.  He needed a shave.  I stood in my doorway,
stock still and stone hard watching him.  Mulder was on *my* bed,
looking beautiful and acting like he belonged.

I didn't realize I'd moved or made a sound, but I must have because
Mulder turned to look at me.  He smiled shyly, dazzling me.   I shook
off my wonder if not my arousal and walked into the room.  He jumped off
the bed and moments later we were kissing the way we had in the garage
that day.

"You feel so good in my arms, Fox."  I meant every word.

"I feel good in your arms.  I feel warm and safe."

"Good.  Oh, God, Fox, I want you.  I want you more than I've ever wanted
anyone before."

"Then, take me."  It was a whisper that burned along all of my nerves.
I released Mulder and began to take off my clothing.  When Mulder moved
to do the same, though, I stopped him.

"That's my job."  Mulder nodded and stood in front of me.

Now naked, I stood back.  Mulder's eyes widened.  He licked his lips
slowly.

"All this for me?"  He began to breathe heavily.

I didn't answer.  I looked at Mulder, who seemed oddly vulnerable in his
rumpled suit and loose tie.  Then I moved forward and began undressing
him slowly, as if I were unwrapping a present.  I even took the time to
fold the suit neatly.  I let Mulder run his hands over my body and
nuzzle at my neck as I did so.  Long before he'd been stripped of his
pants and undershorts it was clear he was as aroused as I.  I reveled in
the feel of his skin.

Mulder was more beautiful naked than he was clothed.  His body was long
and lean, the product of running and swimming instead of weights.  He
was scarred here and there, but the rest of his skin was smooth and
glowing.  I had to touch it, make it mine, but I couldn't bear to even
bruise it.

I led Mulder to the bed, and threw back the covers.

"Sit, Fox."  Mulder, uncharacteristically docile, sat on the edge of the
bed.  I spread his legs, pausing a moment to stroke the scar on his
thigh and knelt between.  Mulder gasped as I took his penis into my
mouth.  I worked my tongue up and down the erect shaft and used one hand
to gently play with his testicles, while the other stroked my own penis.
Mulder moaned with pleasure.  His hands dug into my shoulders.

It only took a few minutes for Mulder to come close to orgasm.  I could
taste the pre-ejaculate and feel his testicles contract.  I pulled away.
Mulder moaned with disappointment.

"Don't worry, Fox.  We're not stopping yet."  At my direction, Mulder
moved onto the bed to lie on his back.  I reclaimed his mouth (oh, that
lower lip!) and covered his body with my own.  Our erections met as we
held each other. I didn't allow that to continue much longer, either.

Instead, I loosened my grasp on Mulder, and looked him in the eyes.

"I want to be inside of you, Mulder, and I want to make you come that
way."

Mulder nodded.  "It's been a long time..."

"It's all right.  I will never hurt you."  Mulder smiled in complete
trust.  While I brought out lube and condoms, he spread his legs and
brought his knees up.  I approved.  It may have been a long time, but
Mulder had done this before.  It meant I wouldn't hurt him.

I lubed up my fingers and began to slowly, easily, stretch the muscle.
Mulder was very tight.  It must have been years since anyone had touched
him.   He was almost virginal.  Mulder pushed against my hand as I
gently added more fingers.  Both of us were rock hard.

I took my hand away.  Mulder made sounds of regret and anticipation.
He was beginning to pant.  I put the condom over my penis and lubed it
and positioned it at Mulder's anus.  Slowly, I pushed.

"You're so tight!"

"Oh, yes, Walter.  Oh...yes!  So good...So good..."  Finally, I found
myself buried completely in him. I knelt there for a moment, feeling him
all around me.  Then I began to move again, aiming for the prostate.
Mulder's moans became a shout when I hit my target.  I watched his face
when I reached down and began to stroke him.  Mulder's hands flew about
trying to find something to do as I increased the rhythm.  Soon -
perhaps too soon, but it was the first time - I brought Mulder to a
climax, followed immediately by my own.

Mulder collapsed back on the pillows, totally relaxed.  His face was,
for the first time, drained of all tension.  He looked content.  Slowly,
I pulled out.  Mulder sighed when he was empty again.  Neither of us
moved for a moment.  Then I slid up the bed and, mindless of the mess,
clasped my lover to me.  Mulder entangled his legs in mine and nuzzled
my chest hair.  I kissed his head.  This was perfect.  If only we could
stay like this forever.

"I love you, Fox."

Mulder buried his head under the covers.  I just held him closer.  One
day, Mulder would be able to respond.  I could be patient.


Chapter Five
***************

The moment couldn't last, of course.  We became uncomfortable with the
semen drying on our bodies, and I was able to smell the chicken, which
meant it was about done.  We peeled ourselves apart and washed
perfunctorily in my bathroom, which I'd cleared earlier of all sharp
instruments and potentially dangerous medicines.  At Scully's advice,
I'd even hidden the Tylenol.  I wondered if Mulder noticed yet.

We pulled on clothing and went downstairs.  I made the salad and carved
the chicken while Mulder set the table and microwaved some frozen peas.
I missed the covetous looks Mulder was giving the knives, at least at
first.

When I did turn to look at my lover, Mulder was very agitated.  He was
pacing around the kitchen muttering to himself and rubbing his hands
together.  His eyes kept moving from the telephone to the knives.  This
time, I noticed.  I walked to Mulder and took his hands.

"Fox?  What's wrong?"

"I don't know. I need...I need to do something.  I need to
know...Walter...Scully's dead.  Last night was a dream.  Scully is dead.
Right?"

"No.  Scully is alive and well.  Call her."

"No!  I can't.  She won't answer and then I'll know and then I can go."
There was that glance at the knives again.  My blood ran cold.  I'd have
to lock them up with the guns now.  What else could he use?   Oh, God.
The balcony.  The image of Mulder splattered all over the sidewalk
paralyzed me for a moment.  I forced it down.  I'd deal with the balcony
later.  Steel bars, locks, something.  I had to take care of this crisis
first.

"I'll call her.  You come with me."  Again, Mulder was surprisingly
docile.  I wasn't sure how I felt about that.  We walked to the
telephone and I dialed Scully's number.

"Scully."

"Dana?  We're having a problem here."

"What's wrong with Mulder?  Is he trying anything?"

"He needs to talk to you."  I put my hand over the receiver.  "Fox, come
here.  She's just fine."

Mulder shook his head rapidly, and stepped back.  I grabbed his arm
before he went out of reach.

"Fox.  Talk to Scully.  Now."

Slowly, Mulder reached for the receiver.

"Scully?  Is that you?...You're all right?  I'm not dreaming this."
Mulder took deep, sobbing breaths.  "It feels like a dream.  Oh, God,
Scully, you have to be right."  He began to pant.  I took the phone away
and sat Mulder down.  I kept one hand on his shoulder.

"Dana, he's starting to hyperventilate."

"He doesn't believe I'm alive.  Walter, we have to admit him.  He can't
function like this.  Is he still breathing fast?"

"He's calming down, but I have knives lying around.  We're not admitting
him just yet.  It's too soon.  If we can get him through the next few
days, he should be fine."

"I disagree.  Legally, I can do whatever is necessary.

"Agent Scully!"

"Don't worry, sir.  However, we should talk about it with him when he's
not delusional."  I cringed at that word, but it could have been worse.
It could have been a trained psychologist calling him "psychotic."
"Meanwhile, offer him half a pill.  That should calm him for a little
while.  Give him a whole one at bed time.  And think about what I said."

I was glad that someone was in charge of this.

"Yes, ma'am.  I'll call you."

"Anytime, Walter."  I hung up.

"Fox, Scully wants me to give you half a pill.  Will you take it?"

"I don't want to be knocked out again."

"This won't."

Mulder appeared to be struggling with the idea.  He nodded, once.

"Okay.  You need to come with me.  I'm not leaving you alone in here."
Mulder stole a glance at the knives.  He smiled ruefully.

"Too bad."

I took Mulder into the living room, and fetched the container of pills
from my coat pocket.  Scully had cut one in half already.  I gave it to
Mulder, who swallowed it dry.  Hating myself, I checked his mouth to
make sure he swallowed it.

Dinner was still warm.  Mulder ate with little appetite, and he seemed
slightly off.  However, he stopped staring at the knives, and he was
able to sit more or less still.  It seemed a decent trade for the
moment.

We shared cleanup chores again.  It felt nice and domestic, something I
had missed when my marriage fell apart.  I also liked being able to
steal a kiss or a hug when I felt like it.   Mulder seemed to enjoy it,
too, for all his strange passivity.  He rarely initiated anything.

I had hoped to spend the evening catching up on work, but we ended up
snuggling in front of a basketball game.  I was amazed Mulder and I were
together after all those tense months, although I wished the
circumstances were better and Mulder were well.  As it was, Mulder fit
in my arms as if born to be there, his head a pleasant weight on my
shoulder as he dozed.  I tried not to think about the way he looked at
the knives before dinner.

Mulder woke in time for the news.  He made fun of the "bubble-headed
bleached blond" anchorman and found weird twists to all the stories.  He
wanted to watch a rerun of Star Trek afterwards, but I vetoed that on
the grounds that it was a school night.

We went upstairs together, and got ready for bed.  As I watched Mulder
undress and brush his teeth, I found I had a lump in my throat.  It was
almost as if I couldn't breathe.  I wasn't aroused, precisely, not that
Mulder wasn't a sexy sight in his old gym shorts and t-shirt.  I just
realized that I was going to be sharing my bed with Mulder, with the man
I loved.   It seemed far more intimate than the sex we'd shared earlier.
And then Mulder turned his dazzling smile on me and I didn't think about
anything else.

"Walter?  You there?"

"Sorry, Fox.  You were asking a question?"

"You're supposed to be hanging on my every word.  Which side of the bed?
 I don't have a preference."

When I was married, I always took the right side of the bed, whatever
bed we slept in.

"I don't care.  Let's flip a coin.  Whoever wins gets the right side."
Mulder nodded and took a quarter off the dresser and flipped it in the
air.

"Call it!"

"Heads!"  Heads it was.  I didn't know if it were an omen or not.

I took my turn in the bathroom.  I left with a paper cup of water and a
whole pill in my hand.  I looked at Mulder.

"No.  The half-pill made me groggy enough.  I don't need more."

"I'm just following Dr. Scully's orders."

"No.  I don't need it."

He accepted that Scully was alive.  That was enough for me.

"Okay.  I'll just keep them by me in case you change your mind."

Mulder nodded and got into the left side of the bed, holding on to the
remote.

"Walter...I'm not suicidal."

I just shook my head.

"I'm not.  But...where are the guns?"

"Locked up safely, and I won't tell you where.  Along with my kitchen
knives and other objects."  Such as the key to the balcony door.

"Good.  Ummm, the lights."

"Do you want any lights on?"

Mulder looked embarrassed.  "Yeah. I wouldn't mind a nightlight, and
maybe the bathroom light on."

"No problem." I fished around in my dresser drawer and pulled out a
nightlight.  I plugged it in beneath a chair, and turned off the other
lights.  The room was dim but not dark.

I crawled into bed beside Mulder, and drew him close.  Mulder kissed me
softly and wrapped his long limbs around me.



Chapter Six
**************

"SCULLY!  NO!  STOP!"

I had been sleeping soundly when Mulder's screams brought me out.
Instinctively, I wrapped myself tightly around him.  He struggled at
first and then relaxed.  His eyes opened.

"Walter?"

"I'm right here, Fox.  I'm right here."  I stroked Mulder's back and let
him settle against my shoulder.

"Oh, God.  That feels so safe."

"Good.  Everything's fine, then."

"No.  Scully's dead.  Nothing's fine."  My heart nearly stopped.  Mulder
said those words calmly, as if it were a simple statement of fact.  Only
a few hours ago, he knew the truth.

"No, Fox.  She's alive and well."

"I saw her die."

"You were made to see her die, but she didn't.  She killed Linda Bowman
and saved both your lives.  She's fine."

"Prove it."

"Call her up.  She won't be happy about being wakened at..." I squinted
at the digital clock "2:17 in the morning, but she will be alive."  I
passed the phone to Mulder.

"I can't.  I don't believe it.  She's dead, and it's my fault.  I should
have killed Modell when I had the chance."  Mulder tried to get out of
the bed, but I held him tightly.  "Let me go."

"To do what?"

"You know.  I have to, to make up for that."  I started to shiver.

"There's nothing you can use.  Remember?"

"Nothing?"

"Fox, *Scully* and I are going to keep you alive.  Face up to it."

"Scully's dead."

"Call her."

Finally, he did.  "It's you?  You're all right?  Oh, God, Scully.  You
were dead.  In my mind you were dead, and I had to follow you.  I'm
sorry. ... I'm sorry.  Oh, God..."  I took the phone away from him as
Mulder cried in my arms.

"Dana?  I'm sorry.  He wanted to ...oh, God..."

"It's okay, Walter.  I was expecting it.  He didn't take the pill, did
he?"

"No.  He talked me out of it."  I kissed Mulder's head.

"Good."

"Good?"

"He's being Mulder.  That's good.  Give it to him now.  It'll knock him
out until morning."

"Do you think he'll take it?"

"Threaten him.  He responds well to threats.  And, Walter..."

"Yes?"

"It would probably be okay if you took the remaining half pill.  You're
big enough that it will just relax you."

"I'll be all right.  What about you?"

"I'll make some herbal tea.  I'll be fine.  Take care of our little
boy."

"I will."  He twisted and put the phone away.

"She's alive, isn't she?"

"Yes.  She's alive and she's going to stay that way.  Fox, will you take
the pill now?"

"Do you think I should?"  He looked like the little boy Scully was so
worried about.

"Dana thinks you should."  Mulder nodded then.  He washed it down with
the stale water.

When he lay back down, though, he didn't snuggle close.  He moved closer
to his side of the bed.  I watched him as the drug took control and he
fell asleep.  I could see he wasn't going as deep as the night before,
which relieved me.

I lay back on my own side in the dim room, listening to Mulder's even
breathing.  I felt myself matching each breath with my own.  Mulder's
breath became mine.

How did I fall in love with Mulder?  It wasn't just the way he looked.
I had looked for a certain "type" when I picked men up in bars.  I liked
them big, and since I wasn't out for conversation, I didn't look for
intelligence.  But Mulder had intrigued me from the beginning.   I'd
never met anyone so brilliant before, or so driven.  Not even the
ambitious ones, the ones gunning for offices on the fifth floor, the
ones after my own job, were as driven as Mulder.

And he had sleepy hazel eyes and long, elegant limbs and a runner's body
that wore those expensive suits (how the hell did he afford them?) as if
they were designed with him in mind.  Maybe they were.  The moment I saw
him, I had been struck by his beauty.  I tried to shrug my attraction
off.  "He's a subordinate."  "He's not your type."  "He's infuriating,
insubordinate and possibly insane."  Nothing worked.  How could I lose
control of my emotions like that?

I drifted off to sleep with thoughts of Mulder and ivy-covered cottages
cluttering my brain.

                                *   *   *

Five days later, Mulder once again woke up from one nightmare into
another in my bed, and demanded to call Scully in the middle of the
night.

Chapter Seven
**************

As I rocked my lover, a thought came to me.

"Fox?"

"Yeah?"  Mulder's voice was muffled against my chest.

"Do you believe you'll see Scully in the morning?"

"No.  And not because tonight's Friday."

"All this time, and you still don't believe she's alive?"

"No.  I can't make myself believe it.  Walter, help me.  I can't live
like this."

"Like what?"  I kept my voice carefully neutral.

"I know in my head that Scully is alive, but the rest of me says she
isn't.  I can't live with that.  Walter, give me the damn pill so I can
at least sleep."

This was the first time Mulder had asked for a pill.  Mulder hated drugs
like this.  He'd been complaining all week that the pills at night were
making him fuzzy during the day.  But he needed to sleep.  I gave him
the pill, and, at his request, held him until he drifted off.

I remained awake for several long moments.  These past few days had been
hell.  The pills did make Mulder fuzzy.  His performance at work was
suffering.  So were Scully's and mine because we weren't sleeping and we
were worrying.

Mulder wasn't eating.  He was losing weight he couldn't afford.  I could
feel the difference.  Scully said that stress and the pills were
affecting his appetite.   He was exercising compulsively.  I got dizzy
watching him run round and round the track in the bureau gym.  He seemed
to live on sunflower seeds.

It was hell, but it was also heaven.  I had Mulder in my bed.  I had
Mulder in my arms.  I had Mulder in my house.  I could cook him meals,
even if Mulder only picked at them.  I could go food shopping with him.
I could hold him while we watched television.  I could kiss him good
morning and good night.  I could make love with him.  I could hold vast
free-wheeling discussions on aliens, conspiracies, basketball and
sixties rock and roll with him.

Mulder was still in drugged sleep when I woke for the day.  God, he was
beautiful.  I tore himself away long enough to do some weights and
shower.  I decided to call Scully and invite her for brunch.  Five days
of hell were too much.  We had to figure *something* out.  Scully
agreed.  So did Mulder when he finally roused himself.

Scully arrived promptly at eleven.  By twelve thirty, we were down to
coffee and pastries and ready to talk about our problem.  By one, we
were completely frustrated.

"This is insane.  I'm insane.  Lock me up."  Mulder looked almost wild
as he paced around the room.

"Mulder, I will not accept that."  Scully glared at him.

"You were all for locking me up Monday."

"Monday I was terrified.  You've managed to survive this week."

"Thanks to Walter."  My lover gave me a smile.  "Now I'm terrified.  I
can't live my life this way.  Not even with you."

Scully rubbed her eyes.  "Let's take this again from the top.  It
started Monday night, after the warehouse."

Mulder stood still.

"We're starting too late.  Start earlier."

She looked up.  "When?"

"When Walter took my gun.  You backed him up."  I grinned to myself as
he glared at me.

"We were worried, Fox.  You'd just been with Modell.  We had no idea
what lasting effects he could cause....Lasting effects."  I stopped
short.  Oh, God.

"Yes!  Don't you see?  You were right!  Modell or Modell and Bowman did
something to me.  They put something inside my mind.  Two somethings.
Yes.  Modell put the need to kill myself there.  I'm *not* suicidal, but
something in my head wants me to be."  He clutched at his skull.

"Mulder...what's the other something?"  Scully's voice was insistent,
intense.  She knew the answer.  I thought I did, as well.

He sat down and put his face in his hands.  "Bowman.  You.  She put you
in my mind.  You lying on the floor in your own blood.  Otherwise, why
would I believe you are dead?  I can see you in front of me.  I can call
you whenever I want.  I should not believe you are dead.  I don't
believe you are dead.  Not now."

"No, Mulder.  It's ... it's daytime.  During the day, you have no
problems with reality."

He looked up.  I could see the light dawning in his eyes.  "Yes!
Nighttime must be the trigger.  It can't be nightmares.  I hadn't gone
to sleep yet Monday night.  Oh, God, Scully, if you hadn't brought those
damn pills, I'd be dead now."  I just sat back and watched my agents at
work.  It was a beautiful sight.

"If it weren't for Walter, you'd be dead now, you mean."

"I know."  There was that smile again.  That was yet another beautiful
sight.

"So, now we know what we're up against.  You can fight it now."  Scully
smiled, too.

"Can I?  I've been fighting.  No.  No, I haven't been.  I've been
calling you and I've been taking those damn pills and I've been letting
them take over my life.  Oh, God.  I've felt my life slipping from my
hands these past few days.  It's been sheerest hell.  Or most it has
been.  Some of it..."  He reached for my hand.  I nodded.

"I think you're right, Mulder.  We have to fight it."

"Yes.  Tonight.  No drugs, no hand-holding, just me and the two pushers
in my head.  God, as if I didn't have enough demons fighting it out in
there."

"Tell me about it, Mulder."  It was good to see them laugh.  But that
plan of their's was something else.

"Do you think it's a good idea, Fox?"  I certainly didn't.  Not then.

"I think it's the only idea."

"You could lose.  Maybe we should find some other way."

"I'd rather lose than live like this, even with you."  Mulder was deadly
serious.   I could feel the rage rising in me.

"I won't let you do it."

"You won't let me?  You couldn't stop me."

"Why won't you let him, Walter?"

"Stay out of this, Dana."

"He may be your lover, but he's my partner.  And he's right.  I don't
want him to lose, either, but look at him.  Look at him, Walter."

I looked.  I saw the circles under Mulder's eyes, matched by those under
Scully's and, I suspected, my own.  I saw his lank hair and dull eyes
and the t-shirt that hung from his narrow shoulders, and the extra
notches in his belt.

"I see him."  I took his hand. "Do you think you're strong enough, Fox?"

"If I wait, I'll be weaker.  It's now or never.  Why are you fighting
this?  What is wrong with you, Walter?  Do you want me like this
forever?"  Mulder pulled his hand away.  "You do.  You want me like
this.  Weak and dependent and obedient.  You know where I am all the
time.  You can control me like this.  If I get over this, I'll be back
the way I was, and you couldn't keep me any more.  I wouldn't be your
docile little bed partner anymore."

Scully looked decidedly embarrassed.  She got up to leave, but Mulder
put a hand on her arm, and she sat down again.

"No.  It's not that.  I want..."  What did I want?

"Yes?  Walter, do you want me to be your lover or your pet?  Your rent
boy?"

If Mulder got well, he'd go home.  He wouldn't be there in my bed.  He
wouldn't need me anymore.

"I don't want to lose you.  I love you, and you have never said that you
loved me back."

"Walter, I don't *know* if I love you.  How can I know?  I'm not me
right now.  I can tell you this - if I survive this, I'll still want to
be with you.  I'll still need you.  And maybe I'll know the rest of it."

"You love Scully."

"Scully's my partner.  She's my best friend.  I honestly don't think I
could function at work without her anymore.  They don't come stronger or
smarter or better than she is.  She's saved my ass more times than I can
count, and all I've done is risked hers."

"Shut up, Mulder."

"Obviously, she loves me, too.  This, this is too soon, and I'm a bigger
mess than usual.  I don't know.  I don't know how we can even have a
relationship with the bureau the way it is, but I know that I want to
try.  But first I need to do this, and you need not to try to stop me."

"I have to let you do this."  I resigned myself to the inevitable.

"Not 'let.'  I'm not asking permission.  I'm just doing it."

I was losing control of the situation and my emotions.  But the choice
was that or losing Mulder.  And Mulder was now the most important thing
in my life, the way my job or Sharon had never been.  I had no choice.
I had to let things ride, and risk losing it all.  So, why did I feel so
relieved?  What weight had I just released?

I nodded once.  "What do you want us to do?"

Chapter Eight
***************

We were in Mulder's apartment.  We arrived with bags of Chinese food and
some new fish.  Mulder's last batch had died a couple of weeks ago.
Scully also had her gun.  We did not have any of those "damn pills."

The three of us sat on the floor and pretended to eat dinner, but no one
had any appetite.  Mulder could not keep still.  He dribbled his
basketball and fidgeted with anything he could find.  When he did sit,
he went from demanding to be cuddled to rocking.  I was tempted to knock
him over the head.  Scully just rolled her eyes.

"It's nice to see him relaxed."

"You have to be joking, Dana."

She just smiled.  I wondered what I had let into my life.  Maybe *I* was
insane.

We were about to turn on the television when Mulder changed.  He began
to pace and mutter to himself.  I was all too familiar with those
symptoms.

"It's starting."  I began to get up.

"Let him be, Walter.  It's *his* fight."

"I wish..."

"So do I.  All we can do is pray."

I nodded.  It was hard, but I stayed where I was.

Mulder screamed.  Scully and I jumped.

"Why are you here?  You're dead!"

"I'm not dead, Mulder."  Scully kept her voice calm, but she held my arm
tightly.

"You're dead.  I saw you die.  I have to go with you.  You're my
partner.  I have to follow you."

"No.  That's not me you see.  It's a picture Linda Bowman put into your
head.  It's not me.  I'm alive."

"Linda Bowman?  Yes!  I feel her.  She's dead."

"Yes, she's dead, and I'm alive.  She's dead and her brother is dead and
they can't hurt you any more."

"She's dead.  He's dead.  I feel them.   They want me to be with them."

"Don't listen to them.  They can't do anything."

"My pills!  I want my pills!  Walter!"

"No, Fox.  No pills.  We're here, but there are no pills."

"Someone please, stop them.  Help me stop them!"  Mulder collapsed on
the floor, his hands over his head.  I looked at Scully - she was in as
much pain as I was.  Mulder began to cry. I ached to go over and
hold him.

Scully got up and knelt beside him.  I joined her on the other side.
Mulder had told us not to touch him.  He had to fight this alone.  He
needed our voices, but unless he was going to hurt himself, we were not
to touch him.  I had spent all those months deliberately not touching
him.  I had to call on all his strength not to do so again.  Scully
seemed to be having as difficult a time.  She had her arms wrapped
tightly against her body.

"Hear me, Mulder.  It's Scully.  I'm here for you."

He just sobbed wordlessly.

"It's all right, Fox.  We're both here for you.  We both love you."

"Yes.  We do, and we know you will win."

Mulder didn't answer.  Eventually, he sobbed himself out and fell into
an exhausted sleep.  I made some coffee.  We didn't dare sleep this
night.  We'd sleep tomorrow, when it was over and we could put our lives
back together.  If we could.  My life was sleeping in a ball on the
floor, at least for the moment.

The next moment, Mulder was screaming again.  He was still asleep.

"Should we wake him?"

Scully shook her head.  "No.  He couldn't win in a waking state.  Let
him push them out of his dreams.  I think maybe that's where they're
living."

"He hasn't been dreaming much.  Those pills."

"I know."

"He asked for them last night."

Scully nodded.  "He was starting to get addicted.  Another few days, and
it would have been a physical addiction.  He would have hated that.  It
would have given him one more reason to die."

"That bad?"

"His father was an alcoholic and his mother took Valium.  That's one
reason why he never got drunk or took any pill he could avoid.  Until
now."

"I hate getting drunk, too."

"You hate losing control.  Mulder hates losing reality.  I hate
embarrassing myself."  She smiled for a moment, until Mulder moaned
again.  Then he surprised us by quieting.  I had to do something, so I
got a blanket and draped it over my lover.  It was a poor substitute for
an embrace, but it was the best I could do.

Things were calm for a short time.  Then Mulder seemed to wake up,
except that he didn't appear to see us.  He did see Scully's gun,
though, lying on the table.  As we watched, horrified, he grabbed it and
cradled it in his arms.  He held it to his head.  He held it there a
long time.  His hand began to tremble with tension.  Then, with a
tremendous effort, he threw the gun across the room, and collapsed
again.  We began to breathe.

Mulder, still in that odd state, sat on the floor, his arms wrapped
around his knees, and rocked.  He began repeating the word "No" over and
over again.  This seemed to calm him, and he seemed to sleep again.

Over and over again that night the cycle continued.  First a nightmare,
then a suicide attempt with Scully's gun, which always ended with the
gun halfway across the apartment, then rocking, then sleep.  Each time,
the cycle was different.  He shouted different things, he aimed the gun
at different parts of his body, he repeated different monosyllables.
After midnight, the changes were more drastic.  There was a note of
triumph in the shouting and he began to aim the gun at the air instead,
although he still didn't pull the trigger.  Mulder was winning whatever
battle he was fighting in his mind.  I could hope again.

Then, around 2 in the morning, the biggest change came.  He seemed to be
pushing something out of him.  I could see every muscle in his body
tense with the effort. His own body ached in sympathy.  Then, it
happened.  Mulder screamed "OUT!" and then relaxed, with a smile on his
face.  And fell deeply asleep on the floor next to Scully's gun.


"Thank God.  I think it's over."

"I hope so, Walter.  That gun was a tremendous risk."

"I'm just glad it isn't loaded."

"I'm glad his subconscious didn't realize that."

"You were right.  He needed to fight this his way.  I just wanted him
safe.  We could have lost him tonight, Dana."

"We didn't have him all this week.  He's back now."

"That really wasn't him, was it?  It scares me how much I liked him like
that."

"You fell in love with Mulder as he is.  I doubt you'll miss last week's
robot."

"My house is going to feel empty.  When I think about being without him,
I stop breathing."

"You have it bad."

After what we had been through that night, that week, it seemed natural
to talk this way with her.  She had become my friend as much as she was
Mulder's.

"Yeah.  It would be wonderful if he returned it."

"He does.  He just doesn't know it.  Give him time and space."

"I'd give him anything if I knew he'd come back to me."

"It's too soon for this, Walter.  I'm so tired.  The adrenaline and the
coffee have worn off."  She climbed on the futon.  "Wake me in an hour,
and then you can sleep."

Scully was a wise woman.  I was not about to go to sleep now.  Not when
I could watch Mulder's first non-drugged sleep in days.  She was a wise
woman and a good friend, and I was glad she was Mulder's partner.  She'd
keep him alive for me  I sat down next to my lover.

An hour later, I thought about letting Scully finish the night, but
decided that she'd load her gun and kill me the next morning if I did.
Even so, I didn't expect to fall asleep as soon as my head hit the
couch.  And so the rest of the last night of the siege passed as the
first one did, with heart to heart confidences and keeping watch.  But
this was full of hope instead of fear.

Chapter Nine
***************

I had taken the last watch, but I must have dozed off.  I woke, stiff
and still tired, to bright sunlight and an empty room.

"Fox!"

"Good morning, Walter.  Mulder's out getting breakfast."  Scully
answered me from the kitchen.  She came out with a couple of cups of
coffee.

"You let him out on his own so soon?"  Unbelievable.  I took the cup she
offered me.

"Yes.  Otherwise last night was wasted."  Why did she always have to be
right about things like that?  "Or so Mulder convinced me."  That was
better.  Mulder had his old charm back.

"You're both right, you know.  He needs to be independent."

"He'll come back to you, Walter.  I know it.  And then you'll have all
the fun of maintaining a secret relationship."

"Don't remind me."

"I'll help.  I have a big stake in seeing both of you happy."

"Dana?  When are you going to find someone for yourself?"

"How can I?  You're taken,  Mulder's Mulder and Pendrell's dead.
There's no one else."

"What about Fox's lunatic friends?"

"No.  They make him look sane."

"Make who look sane?"  Mulder came in, sweaty from a run and bearing a
sack of bagels.

"You.  Walter's trying to get me settled."

"Frohike's willing."

"If I ever said yes to him, I think he'd faint.  Did you get cinnamon
raisin bagels?"

"Just what the doctor ordered.  I even found cheesecake cream cheese."

"Yum."  Scully's eyes lit up.  "It may be laden with cholesterol, but I
earned it."  She took the bag into the kitchen.

Mulder sat down on his couch.  He looked at me and patted the seat next
to him.  I joined him.

"Walter, we need to talk."

"Yes, we do."

"What you and Scully did for me this past week...I can't repay it."

"You don't owe us a thing."

"I owe you my life and my sanity.  Such as both are."  He rubbed his
hand through his hair.  "Walter.  I don't want to go back to the way
things were before." I opened my mouth.  Mulder put his hand over my
lips, so I kissed it.  He grinned.  "Let me finish.  These last few days
were a nightmare.  They were also the happiest days I've had in years."
He smiled that smile.  "I loved being with you. I loved making love with
you.  I loved playing house with you.  I even loved - I especially loved
being taken care of by you.  It would be so easy to fall into that.
Convince myself I deserved it."

"I would love to take care of you forever, but that would kill you."  I
knew that for the truth it was.

"Yes.  What a way to go.  Being cherished to death.  I need to put
myself back together, Walter.  And I hope...I more than hope...that
when I do, you're there, part of me.  But, if you're not..."

I grew cold. "I hope I am.  I love you, Fox.  I hope you can love me,
too."

"Wait for me, Walter.  I think I'll find my way back to you."

I prayed he would.



copyright 1998 Debra Fran Baker and NightRoads Associates

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