TITLE: Last Night (1/1) DATE: May 18, 1999 AUTHOR: Chris C. E-MAIL: FoxNDana2@aol.com KEYWORDS: MSR/& something else?? Somebody suggested Angst or MSRD(Mulder/ScullyRelationship/Development) --- Hey I dunno, we were just making shit up! :) RATING: NC-17 (just to be safe) ARCHIVE: Anywhere, just keep my stuff attached, and drop me a line please. :) SPOILERS: Nothing you haven't already seen by now. SUMMARY: You're just gonna have to read this one to find out. AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is different from the other stories I've written. I was in a really weird mood today. I'd *REALLY* love to know what you think of it. FEEDBACK: Didn't I just say that?? DISCLAIMERS: Oh please!! Do we still have to do this?? Trust me, if I were the REAL Chris C., they'd have done the naked pretzel a LONGGGGG time ago! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Scully's Apartment 6:05 A.M I don't know why it happened. I still don't understand. This has never happened before, with anyone. And at the most inopportune time. I mean, I know I've thought about how much he's hurt me. Sometimes on purpose, but most of the time not. And it's not like we haven't been intimate before. We've been together for months, and the sex has been…. I can't even think of a strong enough word. Every description sounds like it came straight from a romance novel. Really, it has been magnificent, mind-blowing, earth-shattering….see what I mean. And that's not all. Of course we have many nights of animalistic, hungry, lustful sex. But then we have those…calmer nights. When we make love. Tender moments. Loving caresses. Slow motion. Those nights seem to last for eternities. But last night. I just don't understand. At that particular moment why my mind chose to conjure the images it did…. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX The previous night Scully's Apartment 11:40 P.M. We were lying in bed, just talking basically. We've done that many times before. Kind of our version of a game of "remember when." It gives us a chance to get things out in the open, those things that were always held back, behind the walls we built years ago. Talking in bed seems to crumble those walls, steadily and assuredly. Holding each other, touching flesh to flesh, gives us a security we need to hammer away at those walls, and still feel strong inside, not vulnerable, as they disintegrate. But tonight as we lay there… "Hey Scully?" he said, drawing soothing circles along my back. "Yes?" I answer, lying in his embrace, tracing those same patterns on his chest. "I love you." I could hear something behind his words, but I wasn't sure what. "I know Mulder. I love you too," I said, thinking he just needed the reassurance. "Scully?" Again, there's something else there. "Yes, Mulder," I repeat, a little bit curious, a little bit annoyed. "Why?" " 'Why' what, Mulder?" "Why do you love me?" Not this again. I hate it when he doubts himself. Doubts that he is worthy of love. Doubts that I should be near him, let alone sleeping with him and loving him. "Mulder, don't start that again," I said, not wanting to go down that path tonight. "No, I don't mean it like that," he said with a little chuckle behind it. "I know you hate it when I bring that up." He knows me well. "I mean, what do you love about me." "Come again?" I said, more than a little confused at this point. "You know, is it my sparkling personality, my ~bedroom eyes~," he said, with his patented leer and a grin. "What do you love about me? I'm just curious." My God, where to start. "Ok," I say as I leaned up on one elbow. I stared up at him. It was dark, but there is enough moonlight filtering in to see his face. I can do this. There's a lot to work with here. "For starters, I love your eyes. They hold so much of you there. I can look into your eyes forever. I love your lips. Not just for the obvious reasons, like the way you stick it out when you want something from me. Like a pouty child. I love the fact that I know what you do to me with those lips. I love the way they kiss me. I love the way they feel when you suck on my neck. I love the way they feel when they…make love to me." I had to pause for a moment. It was getting really hot in here now. I felt tremblings in my stomach, and a warmth spread over my body. I move my eyes away from his face, trying to continue without giving in to the urges I have, yet. "I love the way your skins feels when I slide my hands over your chest, down your stomach." My hand mimicked the actions I spoke of. "I love the way you feel when I stroke you." He's rock hard by now, as again my hand mimicked my words. "I love the way you twitch when I do certain things, like that." He twitched as I ran my finger along the underneath side of him. I couldn't help but smile a little, just for knowing how to make him react. "I love that you're my little secret. Knowing that most people look at you and see an FBI agent, a great profiler, or 'Spooky Mulder.' They don't see you like I do. They don't know what you do to me. They have no idea how good you are in bed." I stopped talking again as my mind wandered. I thought of the many nights we've spent together. Some nights we'd stay up till the wee hours of the morning, sometimes making love, sometimes fucking like animals. And I've enjoyed both to no end. Then my mind started to drift to other things. Things he's said to me in the past. I tried to will them away. I was still stroking him, eliciting small moans from his throat. I buried my head beneath his chin and continued my movements, a little faster now. The words from my past continued to fly in my head. < Leave Scully, get as far away from me as you can > < I wasn't sure your little feet could reach the pedals > Other things too. Things said in the heat of the moment. Things probably not meant. But still, they were said. After several minutes I couldn't take it anymore. The silence was giving center stage to my inopportune thoughts. I shook my head, physically trying to dispel the thoughts. "Mulder?" I said, a little more timidly than I had anticipated. "Hmm?" "Say something," I whispered. "What?" "Say something, anything," I said as I nuzzled further under his chin. "I want you." I smiled a little. I love to hear that, but that's not what I wanted right then. I needed something too. Just as he had when we started this conversation. I needed something. I needed him to talk to me. To rid me of the thoughts in my head. I didn't want to think about how he'd hurt me in the past. I knew just hearing his voice would do that. I just needed to hear him say something. "Say something…nice," I told him. I wasn't sure exactly what to ask him to say, so I settled on 'something nice.' Not my best phraseology, but I don't usually think clearly while lying in bed naked with Mulder. "Something nice, huh? Hmm," he said. I assumed he was thinking of something that wouldn't sound too cliché, so I waited, patiently. I was still running my hand up and down his length, enjoying the smooth skin as it glided across my palm. I turned my hand, letting the backs of my fingers luxuriate in the feel of him. The skin there was smoother than anything I've ever felt. His silence continued. With the silence came my thoughts again. Thoughts that should be reserved for times when I'm angry, or at least alone and pensive. Not now. Thoughts of my sister. Thoughts of my daughter. Thoughts of my inability to conceive children naturally. Thoughts of all of this being his fault. My hand slowed, then stopped. Vaguely I could feel him shifting from my side. But still he was silent. Why? Thoughts of him ditching me. Thoughts of his past lovers. Thoughts of his 'Dr. Bambi', Detective White, Diana Fowley. Thoughts of his body with them, not me. I shook my head again. He didn't notice. He had started kissing his way down my body. He was turned in the opposite direction, kissing the sensitive flesh of my inner thigh. I ran my hand down his back, curving slightly with the swell of his ass. He turned on his side, cradled close to me, and began the oral ritual that usually makes me writhe in pleasure. Usually. < What's the matter with me? All of that stuff is in the past. Sure he hurt me. No big deal. That's over. I should be enjoying this. > {{ But he still hurt me }} < That damned inner voice! Shut up! I'm trying to have sex here, do you mind?? > I leaned over, taking him into my mouth. I'd been wanting to do that ever since he stepped out of the shower this evening. I've given oral sex to other men, but usually out of some weird sense of obligation. I never really enjoyed it. But with Mulder, it's so very different. I think about it at least ten times a day. About circling my tongue around the head of him, then sliding slowly down the length of the underside, then back up, slowly, before taking him entirely into my mouth. My actions again mimicked my thoughts. But there was something wrong. Something that was niggling at the back of my brain. Then I remembered what it was. He was still silent. {{ He hurt you }} I hear it echoing in my head. Granted, his mouth was too busy at the time to be talking, but why was that? Why did he pick that moment to… to… go down on me? All I asked for was one thing. Just a little something. Not much. Just something to turn off the images in my head. To dispel the demons. But there was nothing. Just silence. I wanted to stop him. But I didn't. I wanted to stop myself. I slid him out of my mouth, but I still held him in my hand. I still stroked him, leading him further. I wanted to stop myself. But I didn't. My body was having obvious reactions to my inner turmoil. His efforts were not going to produce the results he expected. I wanted to stop him. But I didn't. The only thing I could think to do was to further the upcoming events. I pulled his shoulders back, forcing his mouth to break contact. I didn't want to come. Not now. Silently, I prodded him into the next position. He moved over me, sliding familiarly between my legs, settling his weight across my body. As he slid down, I guided him into me. His own excitement had produced enough lubrication to make my lack thereof not very noticeable. My hands moved around, roaming up and down the length of his body. I could feel his muscles tensing, trying to keep enough of his weight off of me, but expelling enough energy to speed up his thrusts. {{ He hurt you }} {{ He hurt you }} {{ He hurt you }} The phrase came with every one of his thrusts. I could hear the echo. I leaned into him and began kissing him. I could still taste myself on his lips. At that moment though, it didn't matter. I just wanted to have sex with him and make the voices go away. I wanted to enjoy this. But I didn't. {{ He hurt you }} I turned my head away, ending the kiss. For some reason, I didn't want Mulder to know I was having a problem. I didn't want to tell him he hurt me. I didn't really want to stop what we were doing, did I? I planted wet, open-mouthed kisses along his jaw line, down his neck, down to the curve above his collarbone. I urged him on. Pulling him further into me, despite myself. I wanted to stop him, to ask him why he hasn't said anything. I wanted to tell him to say just one kind, loving thing, and I would be fine. That's all I wanted. But I didn't. And he was silent. And it hurt. {{ You hurt me }} It was my voice. Loud and clear, but only to me. Mulder continued. The voice, my voice, grew louder in my head. {{ You hurt me }} {{ You hurt me }} I turned and tucked my head further under his chin as he continued. I hid the tear that slid past my eyelashes, down my temples, and onto my pillow. Part of me prayed he wouldn't notice. That he would just finish and go to sleep. Part of me wished he would feel the wetness on my face, and stop, and ask me what was wrong, and what he could do to fix, and… and… But he didn't. And he was silent. And I cried. I wanted to stop him. But I didn't. And that hurt. I felt my body rebel against me. I felt the beginnings of an orgasm deep in my belly. I felt him speed up. I hated myself right now. For not saying something. For not stopping him. For not asking him to speak, just to hear his voice and dissipate the ugliness floating behind my eyes. I hated myself for even being upset with him. For only being able to remember the times he'd hurt me. For not being able to enjoy this moment with him. I didn't want to come. And I chastised my body for betraying me. His breathing was coming faster. I could tell he was close. Another tear rolled down. In my head, I could hear myself screaming. < Stop him! Just tell him to stop, just for a moment. Tell him to say something, to say he loves me, anything! He'll understand, he'll say it, he'll make everything right again! Make him stop! Don't let him finish feeling this way, it's not right! Stop him! > But I was silent. And I cried. And my hands urged his body into mine, until he exploded into me. We laid there for a few minutes as he caught his breath. I held him close to me, using one hand to wipe the evidence of tears from my eyes. My head was still turned away from him, shadowed in the darkness. He had no idea what just happened. I'm not sure myself. Just as I was about to move to get up, the silence is broken. "I love you," he says, tired and sleepily. But he means it. I know he does. But the silence was too long. His words came too late. Why did he wait? Why couldn't he say anything to me before? Anything. I just needed to hear him. Then. Not now. But I love him. God help me, I do. I'll deal with this on my own. I've fought my own demons in the past. No reason I can't do it now. He'd only feel guilty if I said anything now, and want to know why I didn't stop him earlier if I wasn't comfortable with the situation. And I can't explain that one. I don't know why I didn't stop him. I wanted to. But I didn't. "I love you, too." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 7:00 A.M. Lying here, in bed with Mulder, I watch him. I've been awake for nearly an hour. I don't know what to say to him right now. I don't want to bring up last night. It's too late for that. I love to watch him sleep. I can handle this. He doesn't need to know. I'm not sure why those thoughts and images chose last night to rear their heads, but they did. I'm not sure how I'm going to figure out why that happened, and why I got so upset. But I will. ~~~finis~~~