Title: Secrets and Lies
Author: Dantzi Jean
E-Mail: phantom_lass@hotmail.com
Archive: anywhere just drop me an e
Rating: NC-17
Timeline: Shortly after Melissa's death
Classification: MSR,Angst, fluff, just me playing around with everyone's
minds.
Feedback: Oh god please!
Summary: A little from Scully and a little from Mulder. Can Mulder tell the
disastrous secret he has been hiding without losing her?
Disclaimer: Blah Blah Blah they are not mine everyone knows this. I am just
using them for my temporary and sadistic uses, who cares if Chris Carter
sees it and steals the idea. oh well.

Secrets and Lies

     The headaches. Oh God, the headaches everyone had them. His father, his
uncle and now him. He took medication for them but sometimes they were just
so bad that he couldn't handle it anymore. It felt as if a fraternity party
was going on inside his head. The lights were blaring and the music was
earspliting.
     For some reason unknown to him he drove to Scully's. For some reason he
knew that she would make everything alright. The pain, lights and noise
inside his head disappear leaving him alone with just her.
He knocked on the door and waited for her to answer it. He couldn't
maneuver to the threshold without stumbling. The headache was just coming on
and he could still think straight. Soon the pain was swooping swiftly into
his head robbing him of every sense.
     She opened the door and quickly the look of concern, that he just
loved, crossed her features.
   "Mulder, are you alright?" She asked as he stumbled into her
apartment. She could see that he needed help maneuvering the floor.
She wrapped her arm around his waist to support his weight. "Mulder?"
     "I've got a headache. I've got to take some pills," he said his voice
coming out husky as the pain in his head intensified. "My pocket."
She stripped off his jacket and found the vial of prescription pills.
though her hands shock she opened it. "How many?"
He held up two fingers, leaning against the refrigerator like a drunken
prize-fighter. He pressed his forehead against the cool metal but that
didn't help any. Nausea rose up inside of him.
"Mulder, you should have taken these earlier--are you sick?"
"It's just a headache--it'll go away soon."
She put the capsule into his hand and when he couldn't put his hand
around the tiny pills she closed his fist for him.
He gulped the pills without benefit of water, but the act of knocking
his head back set the party to jumping. With a full-fledged groan, he caught
his balance on the counter. He'd let the headache get out of control again.
Even his knees felt weak from the pain. A strobe light was flashing inside
his head, too, blinding him.
"Come on," Scully was saying. "You'd better lie down."
He didn't remember how he got into the bedroom or stretched out on the
bed. All he knew was that he was suddenly surrounded by pillows and sheets
that smelled just like Scully's sweet perfume. She was flitting around the
room like a soundless butterfly in a white sweater and jeans. She pulled the
blinds. The darkness was sweet. Mulder tried to relax to let the pain seep
from his pores and evaporate into the darkness.
Minutes passes, perhaps even an hour. Eventually Scully was back
holding a cup of water to his lips. "Swallow." she murmured. "Why didn't you
take your pills sooner, Mulder? You should take better care of yourself.
"Don't nag." he said cracking one eye open far enough to look at her.
She had brought a single candle into the room which provided enough
illumination that he could make out her silhouette. She was curled upon the
bed bending over him like Florence Nightingale. Her fiery hair clung to the
curves of her face, Mulder wished he had the strength to reach up and take a
handful of it. Even in this light it seemed to give off a glow of it's own.
She slipped a hand under his neck and tilted his head so that he could
take a sip of water. She goofed, though, and half of the water went down his
chest. "Don't," he grumbled, closing both eyes again. "You'll drown me."
"I'd like to drown you. you just scared me half to death."
"It's alright," he insisted.
"Sure, you'll be dancing soon."
"No, that's what is going on inside my head right now."
"What?"
"A big party," he said for the first time voicing what the headache felt
like. "There's loud music and awful lights and--somebody's throwing things."
Cautiously, she said, "Maybe I should leave you alone."
He seized her wrist before she could slip away "Stay," he said, but he
couldn't quite get his hand to hold her.
She didn't pull away. "You're sure?"
He subsided into the pillow. "It'll go away. I did it to myself
really--mostly it's just stress."
"With this latest case I shouldn't wonder."
"Talk to me, Scully. I want to hear your voice."
Right now all he wanted to do was lie here in Scully's arms and breathe
the scent of her, listen to the beat of her strong but gentle
heart. he lay his head on her breast and heard the ceaseless rhythm of her
breathing. It comforted him, relaxed him. God, she smelled sweet, like
lilacs and something tangy. Yes, tangy was a good word for her. Strong with
the spirit of a pit bull. "Talk to me." he said again.
She touched her lips to his forehead. "When I was sick, she began. "I
used to hide in my room with the windows open.Can you imagine it? I had an
oak canopy bed with white eyelet covers, lace curtains on the windows, and
the walls were painted yellow."
Yes, Mulder could image her in a room like that.
"The sunshine would shine in to my bed and warm me and chased the fevers
away. Melissa taught me that. When I had the chicken pox, she'd climb the
tree next to window and bring me kittens. Our cat had litters every month.
We made braided ribbons down their back and around their necks." she paused
in the memory and chuckled. "Bill always used to hate when we did that and
he'd take them off. Even now, when I'm not feeling well, I think of kittens
and they always cheer me up, just a little."
At the mention of Scully's sister Mulder became a little tense. Scully
didn't know and he hopes she would never know. He couldn't bare to live with
it.
"I loved her very much and we used to be alot alike."
"How?" he asked now very interested.
Scully felt Mulder relaxing and she began to experience a calmness that
she usually never felt around Mulder. She brushed her fingers--and
occasionally her lips--over his temples. She like holding Mulder this way.
It was pleasant in the dark. Somehow, it was possible to tell him things
that she thought she would never in her life imagine her doing so. To talk
about Melissa without the amount of pain that had been gripping her heart
ever since her death. To shove the hurtful, painful memories in some dark
non-accessible corner of her mind.
"You won't belive it, I used to be just like her. I wanted to be like
her. I looked up to her and wanted to try everything that she tried."
"Everything?"
"Everything."
Mulder opened his eyes and tilted his head to look at her. She smiled
just a little. He seemed safe lying there it couldn't hurt to tell him. "We
were wild. You probably won't believe it but we were considered very fast
young girls."
"Fast?" he repeated as if he didn't comprehend the word.
Scully felt herself grow warm. "Oversexed."
Mulder seemed to wake up very quickly. His hazel eyes searching her
face. "You?!"
Smiling Scully lay her head against the bed post and looked up at the
ceiling. "I was a hellion in my younger days, Mulder. Be glad you didn't
know me then. i've almost forgotten hat time in my life. Most girls are boy
crazy, but my sister and I we could think of nothing else. I nearly flunked
my junior year because I was so concerned with boys."
"I don't believe it." he said flatly and calmly.
"We smoked and sneaked out of our beds at night to meet boys and drink
beer and go skinny-dipping. I used to think I was so sophisticated."
"What happened? I mean--"
"How'd I get so uptight and closed off? I saw the light, eventually.
That's another story." She smoothed his hair again her fingers playing with
the dark strands. "I was like her--wanting to be older then I was. But I
learned, something happened with my life. I was about 20 when it happened. I
straightened out, though. I found out that being an adult was more then
partying and dating older men." Laughing suddenly "Believe me if I'd known
you ten years ago..."
She let her voice trail off. Her past had been successfully buried for
nearly a decade. It seemed odd and a little embarrassing to be talking about
it now after the dice of fate had cast their terrible roll against Mellissa.
Scully would have dropped the story there but Mulder managed to get himself
up on one elbow. He must be feeling better, because he wasn't so pale and
his eyes practically danced with curiosity. "What might have happened ten
years ago?"
"Things would have been different," she murmured "You might be the
worst kind of jerk, Mulder, but you're not bad to look at."
He rolled onto his back and in the process managed to slide his arm
beneath her head. She turned to look at her partner. He looked long and
powerful there in her white bed sheets, but vaguely vulnerable too. His
usual toughness was tempered. She'd seen him devastated by pain [,physical
and emotional, and when he let her, she helped him though it. For once, he
wasn't taking charge and bullying her.
"Oh Mulder, why aren't you married?" she quipped half-joking. She had
used this line many times with no apparent reaction from him but this time
the darkening in his eyes told her Mulder wasn't joking with her.
"I was." he said surprising the dickens out of her.
She sat up on her elbow. "Really?"
He returned her look. "Yep. For eight years."
"What happened? No wait, don't answer that it's too personal."
He chuckled "I'm in your bed Scully. What could be too personal? It's
no big deal. I was married, I got divorced. Her name was Joyce and we lived
on the upper west side. She's still has an apartment there, I think. We
split a year before you and I met." He hesitated. "The issue was children."
She tensed at that. She could not imagine Mulder as being married and
on top of that the reason he was no longer married was children. "Didn't you
want them?"
"I did." he said at once. "So did she. Just not with me." He added with
a hint of sadness in his voice.
So his wife had gone somewhere else to find a father for her family,
Scully thought, even though there were plenty of alternatives. What kind of
woman must she have been? How had her abandonment affected a proud man like
Mulder?
"Mulder," Scully began
"Don't," he said tightening his hands on her arms. "I didn't tell you to
get sympathy."
"I wasn't going to talk." she murmured.
She kissed him instead.
Before Mulder knew what was happening, she had leaned over and pressed
a soft, liquid kiss on his mouth. She tasted sweet, smelled wonderful, and
her lithe body was melting into his. He should have stopped her, but if felt
so good--as if the last vestiges of the migraine were being washed away in
the gentle tide of her advance. He hair caressed his face and her lips were
soft on his. Her supple legs were entwined with his own, and at once,a
seething spiral of desire flicked through Mulder, arousing every nerve and
muscle in his body. He tensed.
She felt him change and draw back, obviously not meant to arouse him.
The kiss had been intended comfort, it seemed. Scully blinked in the candle
light. Her eyes glistened with emotion, but turmoil was revealed within
those sea-green depths. She felt a strange sexual stirring, Mulder saw. HE
waited for her to pull back completely and remind him of their partner
status, to stop the passion before it started.
But this time Scully hesitated. Perhaps she was overwhelmed by the
heightened intimacy of the moment. Until then they had been adversaries in
the bureaucracy of the FBI, partners indeed, but not really. Now, the room
seemed to hum with the sound of their matched heartbeats, the simultaneous
catch of breath.
Rapt for a moment, Scully touched his cheek and her mouth tipped at the
corners in a smile. Then her lashes fluttered down. she made a choice.
Delving close once more, she resumed the kiss, making it count this time.
tremulous at first, she kissed lightly and the instinct took over hand
Scully sought a firmer coupling of mouth on mouth. The sweetness of her
tongue provoked a groan--his. His quick response and the catching of her
body in his arms caused a moan--hers. She wrapped her arms around his neck
and pressed closer to him, revelling in the contact.
Mulder's heart began to pound crazily. She was too decent. her couldn't
do this to her. He can't do what he did to Mellissa.
He seized her head, running his fingers deep onto her hair and
squeezing, forcing her to draw back. Scully's eyes flew open at his motion,
he could see the surprise and the hurt.
"Stop," he said.
"Mulder, I--"
"I mean it." he said grinding out every word so his anguish wouldn't
show. "I'm not what you think Scully. This might lead somewhere you don't
want to go."
Scully saw the darkness in his eyes. His grip on her was fierce.
Beneath hers, his body was rigid. She could feel the hardness of a man whose
blood had been stirred, and he was right. His arousal did not compare to
the spindly, youthful erections of the past.
She sat up, unsteadily, pushing her hair back. "I'm sorry Mulder. I
guess talking about my mispent youth was a bad idea."
"It's alright." he said rubbing her back at the same time. Mulder
attempted to start the conversation that was dropped with the unexpected
kiss. "Why the change? How did the skinny-dipping teenager turn into such
a--"
"Bitch?"
"I didn't say that."
"Thank you. I am sometimes, though. I was so leery about making the same
mistake twice--"
He felt bad about making her feel uncomfortable. he reached for her
hand and linked her fingers with his. "What mistake? What do you mean?"
"I got pregnant when I was twenty." she said abruptly.
That startled Mulder into thinking what had just happened a few moments
before. "You what?!"
"Yes, my wild days were punished just the way my mother said they would.
i was in collage at the time, but I went home on the weekends to be with
Mark--a high-school beau. We had a torrid romance--as much as twenty year
olds can. I wasn't very careful about protecting myself. When i discovered I
was going to have a baby, that was when I finally read all the right books.
I had to tell my parents, of course. What an uproar there was. you would
have thought I was the original sinner. Mark and I had to get married."
Of course that was what good little girls did, and scully was
definitely a good girl. Not thinking, Mulder brushed his lips across the
back of her hand. "Not the abortion type? Hmm?"
"Heavens no. My parents insisted we marry. His parents weren't so keen
on the idea, and Mark definitely dragged his feet, but--"
"What about you?"
"I had mixed feelings." she admitted. " I liked Mark. At times, I
thought I was in loved with him. And I was bored in school. We seemed to
spend most of our time together watching television and drinking beer." Her
smile was rueful. "He had this joke book. One Thousand Beer Jokes. I think I
still remember all of them. We had fun together, but after the wedding, i
realized I was headed for the life of The Price Is Right and knock knock
who's there. It came as a shock."
" So you have a child?" Mulder asked. He'd never heard about he
offspring before, hadn't really imagined Scully as a mother.
She shook her head. "No. At the time, I'd been a terrible parent, and
Mark was just as irresponsible. I-- For better of for worse, I lost the
baby. I went into terrible depression afterward. I felt as if I had somehow
killed the child just by thinking how unhappy I was in the marriage."
"Scully," Mulder began, determined to stop her if the memories got too
painful.
"It's all right. I saw a phycologist. I had developed a terrible fear of
the dark, and needed professional help. She said it was--Well, i got over
thinking I'd killed the baby. It was a bad time for me."
Mulder smoothed a lock of hair from her face. He'd seen her surround
herself with light, even though she had thought herself cured of her fear of
darkness, he could see she still harbored a nervousness. Even as they soke,
her safety candle burned on the table.
She smiled gratefully at the gentleness of his touch. "I'm better now
six moths later Mark Schrader and I were divorced. I felt as I'd been given
a second chance. I finished collage in record time and then went to med
school, that I think is what healed the rift I had caused in my family. i
wanted a life much different from one I almost landed myself in."
"In a way you are still worried you'll end up there, aren't you?"
"Yes. I learned that having fun could get me into permanent trouble."
"Having fun?" he repeated.
"Well--making love, I guess. Sex is nothing but trouble."
"You really believe that, even now?"
She nodded "Of course."
Mulder found himself regarding her. She was easy on the eyes, certainly
and sweet tempered most of the time. But he'd seen her react to frustration
and pain, trying to bottle things up inside of herself. Trying to make
herself seem strong and independent, not that she isn't. But he suspected
she hadn't been able to cry about her sister. Scully was too tight inside,
too controlled. The effort of restraining had begun to war on her. But there
was more then that. She just didn't need sex to ease her tension.
Honestly,he said, " I think you have a lot to give, Scully, and that is
what intimacy is about."
"I've given before, and it's not what it's cracked up to be."
"Not that kind of sex, that's like giving blood to the Red Cross. You
might find that things have changed. The right guy could change your life
for the better."
"Mulder, you sound like a dating service." she said joking and stated to
get up off the bed.
"I mean it," he said stopping her with a hand laid across her arm. "You
can't shut yourself off. A woman like you deserves a richer and fuller
life."
"I like things the way they are now."
"But aren't you afraid that while you are fighting all the bad stuff
something good might slip and pass you by?"
"Are we talking about you, Mulder?" she grinned as he caught her fingers
and brought them to his lips.
"What do you say? Want to see what new improvements have been invented
since you were last seduced?"
"What if I find that I haven't missed a thing?"
He kissed her. At the same time he caressed her breasts softly, and
then rushed his fingers along the fabric of her blouse, until it came to
rest on her denim clad thigh. It was an expert caress, calculated to melt an
ice maiden into quivering jelly. He rained kissed down her throat. "You
think that could be true?"
"Mulder--" she started and then stopped.
"I love when your voice gets husky like that. It sounds like we've
already made love.
"Oh God. you're scaring the daylights out of me." she said on a shaky
breath.
He obeyed when she pushed out of his embrace and didn't persue her when
she got up from the bed and stood over him. he sat up and swung his long
legs over the edge of the bed, still smiling that sure, unhurried smile of
his in the light of the flickering flame. "Are you afraid of me?"
"No, Mulder. I know that you would never hurt me. It's not you, It's
what we may find together."

He stared at her, not expecting her answer to be what it was.
"This is just a little too soon, I barely know you outside of work." she
said on one breath.
"You know more about me the most people. Some things I've told you
tonight are secrets I haven't even acknowledged to myself. And you've shared
things with me--"
"Yes,--" she began not knowing what to say or how to explain.
She couldn't explain what she was most afraid of. Scully knew if she
allowed herself a physical intimacy with Mulder, the next step was sure to
follow. Sooner or later, or maybe already she'd begin to fall in love with
him. It wouldn't be hard. Already it seemed that Mulder occupied her waking
thoughts. And certainly all of her sleeping thoughts were consumed by his
presence.
If she told him her fears, she was certain he would laugh. At that
moment, Scully knew she did not want to be laughed at. She felt uncertain,
off balance, and basically all jumbled up inside.
"I can't think." she said
"Then don't. Feel instead."
"Mulder, can I trust you?"
He reached out for her hands. "Don't expect me to think straight,
either. I know what I want. I'll take it if you let me. I want you, Scully."
He drew her to him so that she was standing between his spread
knees--close so that her belly made contact with the hard expanse of his
chest." He reached for the buttons of her suit, never did his eyes leave
hers.
"Stop me."
Suddenly drunk with sensation. "Don't stop, hurry up before I change my
mind."
"You're sure?"
"Yes, yes. Now, while I'm feeling impulsive."
He laughed and stood as to better get access to the buttons. he didn't
hurry, but unfastened them one by one, waiting for her to snatch back her
decision. In another moment he was peeling the dress suit from her shoulders
and still she did not speak. With her heart hammering, she kicked off her
shoes, dressed only in a green teddy with ruffled garters that held up
transparent stockings.
"Wow," Mulder breathed, startled by her choice of underwear. "I didn't
think you were the type."
"I'm not. But this morning I was feeling a little dangerous."
He kicked of his shoes first, then practically tore out of his shirt,
getting it out of the way. His chest was broad, and a thick curly triangle
of hair disappeared down his jeans. Scully drew her hands across the broad
expanse of chest and then plunged her finers inside his belt with both
hands.
Mulder groaned and fumbled with the buckle, rushing to get out of the
jeans. "Hold it." he said.
"I will, Just get the pants off first." She promised.
He was laughing, and so was she, and they tumbled backward onto the bed
to wrestle with his jeans, then his boxers, and then his socks. In seconds,
Mulder was gloriously naked and unashamedly ready. He ripped her bedcovers
wide open. Kneeling, they pressed into one another, mouths meeting in a
headlong collision, breast to chest, belly to belly. They fit perfectly,
like fated lovers, irresistible magnets--like cosmic partners who had been
held apart until time allowed for their union. They laughed together at the
perfection.
They let go of all problems, and reality. Mellissa, their latest case,
and the smallest inconveniences vanished from thought. There was only heat
pounding hearts, sweet kisses and a terrible ache inside them both that
demanded fusion and relief. It was wild. It was right.
"Now," she whispered. "Let's not wait."
"You poor innocent!" He laughed. "You'll think I'll be satisfied with
that? Darling, this may take all night."
"Touch me." she demanded
He did. He found the place where her pulse throbbed. With his fingers
he pushed aside the delicate fabric of her teddy and plunged headlong into
Scully's deepest wish. She arched, stifling a cry.
"No fair. No holding back, Scully. Yell all you want."
She opened her lips and let a moan escape, but Mulder was there to
smother it. Her found her tenderest spot with his hand. She clutched his
shoulders, half afraid of losing him too soon.
"Don't panic," he soothed drawing down the silky straps of her teddy.
"Don't...stop."
Then, his blood was pounding, Mulder dragged her to the edge of the
bed, kneeled on the floor and stripped her legs bare. The stocking slithered
around her ankles. She shimmied out of her teddy, and the first sight of her
delicate body made Mulder's throat catch. He kissed her breasts, her
stomach, and downward. With his mouth, he proceeded to explore every sinew
from her ankles upward. Scully writhed. It might have been hours or moments,
She did not know. She only felt the terrible, wonderful fire in her veins,
pulsing inside her like a million shooting stars. She ran her hands in his
hair, guiding him unconsciously until he made her shudder uncontrollably.
Never had she felt such abandoned pleasure. Half frightened, she cried out
at the intense effect of culminated desire.
When Mulder looked up at her, his eyes were suffused with delight,
desire and something even more carnal. Scully drank the expression, wanting
to carve his face in her memory forever. Everything that was Mulder was
reflected in that expression at that moment--triumph, laughter and a
cocksure arrogance--but also more then that. Longing. And need.
Scully landed on the floor with him, and together the rolled onto the
heap of bedclothes he'd thrown there.
"Darling," she said "Let me have you."
She explored him then, and found his tenderest of places, his ticklish
places and the pleasure center he most liked. Tossing as if on uncharted
waves in the middle of the ocean. They tumbled in eachother's arms, tousling
the sheets, tangling their limbs, panting and laughing. Mulder swore and
laughed. He begged one minute and goaded the next.
In that golden candlight, they alternately learned,fought, and
surrendered, moaned and laughed until at last, he had her pinned on the
floor. Mulder had only to kiss her once and and enter before Scully
breathlessly cried out a second time. While her body quaked out of control,
he pressed inside her and thrust so deeply into the sweetest place that
Scully felt the explosion all over again. He felt raw and wonderful inside
her.
"Mulder," she said and smiled that smile that makes a man's heart melt.
"You're beautiful," he said "Scully, darling, Scully. Sweet but oh so
sensual."
She lay beneath him looking wonderfully ecstatic that Mulder wondered
why they had avoided that moment for so long. She had loved everything,
every nuance was new to her. She knew nothing of adult lovemaking--but her
ignorance excited him.
He had wanted her since he first time they met, and yet though he'd
tried plenty of time he could never have imagined how wonderful it was to be
with her, how freeing, how purifying. Her body was like a marvelous pool,
washing his soul, cleansing his sprit of all the monster and demons that lay
within. he kissed her mouth, her throat.
Then Mulder caught Scully in his arms and carried her to the bed. He
wanted her there in the pillows and comforted. Scully reached her arms for
him and drew him down beside her. Her mouth curved and covered his once
again, making him hers, establishing his place and where he belonged,
obliterating anyone who had gone before her. He found his way inside her,
uniting him with her goodness and strength. The tempo was perfect--slow at
first. He could lose himself in her. Scully's voice mingled with his own
hoarse shouts as together they tumbled deeper and deeper into the dark
abyss.
"My love." he said.
As she gave into the exhaustion and drifted close to sleep with the
scent of passion strongly in her nostrils. She thought she heard Mulder
speak. He said the words too softly. But she knew it was a kind of
benediction. She felt they didn't need to talk. the night surrounded them,
pulled them close.
One the table the candle guttered out and left them in darkness. They
slept curled together as man and woman safely entwined.


At dawn Mulder lay for a long time in thought, holding her, wishing she
might awake and start the dream all over again. But daylight intruded.
common sense returned.
Mulder rolled out of bed and stood looking down at Scully. the blinds
and curtains did not allow for light to penetrate, but there was enough for
him to see her. She slept like an angel with her fiery hair streaming across
the pillow, her nose tucked against her creamy shoulder. He couldn't see her
mouth, but he could remember the taste of her lips, the teasing nip of her
teeth. She made love sweetly-- with imagination and passion and occasionally
with wildness, but always gently.
She was a gentle lady. And he was a rat.
"I had a one night stand with your sister," He murmured to her sleeping
form. "What would you do if I told you, Scully?"
He went ot the bathroom without waking her and turned on the harsh
light. he looked at his reflection in the mirror. his face looked hard. His
eyes were cold. he was a bastard, all right. the kind of a man who slept
with a woman once and let things go at that. They'd had a good time, he and
Mellissa. She had nursed him from the worst depression of his life and he'd
never thanked her for it. He never knew that it would end like it did for
her. He could have done something for her--given her the simple courtsey of
a phone call, at the very least. That's what Scully would say, he was sure.
he'd been selfish. Fox Mulder was a self-centered bastard. he had
contributed to Mellissa's downfall, her death was his fault, his quest, his
never-ending God forsaken crusade had killed Mellissa.
And if she found out, if Scully ever knew, she would never forgive him.
Now he'd done the same thing again. He was going to ruin Scully the way
he'd ruined Mellissa.
He splashed cold water on his face and dried it off with one of her
pretty mauve towels. He kew hwat he had to do. Leave her, make her transfer
to another area, before she got hurt, or worse. She was strong enough, she
could survive a one-night stand.
There could never be anything between them. Once Scully learned about
her sister's liason him she'd terminate things. It was better to end it
now--before things got too involved, before they laid thier hearts on the
line. But could he do it?
Mulder reaised he's been standing with his face in a towel. his throat
was tight, and the aura of alst night's headache was a dull pain in the back
of his eyes. He remembered how poingently she had cried out the first time.
She had never climaxed before, and he knew it. Remembering how he had wanted
to give her that, Mulder wasn't so sure that they were just physical. But he
collected himself and put the towel back on the ring. He had to make her
leave him, to make her understand that thier night together had been a
mistake. he'd been weak, now it was time to be strong. He had to place a
wall between Dana Scully and himself. eh had to make sure she thoughly hated
him before it was too late for her.
All of a sudden her voice rang out from the next room, "Mulder, where
are you?"
He steeled himself for the performance and turned into the room.
She had started out of the bed, but smiled radiantly when she saw him
and laid back. "Hi."
How a woman could pack so much into one syallable, he didn't know. But
in a rush, memory of last night's lovemaking came flooding back to him so
that he could barely restrain himself from diving into the bed with her. In
fact, the part of his body he could not control began to respond to the sexy
undercurrent in her voice. She looked beautiful lying there inder the
covers, her lips were still swollen from the kisses he had assualted her
with last night, and he legs were tantalisingly tangled in the sheets.
Mulder reached for his pants before it was too late for him. "Hi,
yourself."
"Sleep well?"
"Sure. You don't steel the covers."
"I'm tired, but it's a wonderful tired." When he said nothing and made
no move to join her in the ruppled bed she sat up pulling the sheet around
her.
"Mulder?"
He finished with is jeans and started looking for his shirt. It had to
be somewhre. "I have a thing about cover stealing." he said searching
methodically. " Drives me crasy when women want them all and expect me to
mind the cold."
"Oh."
"Yeah, you see my shirt anywhere?"
She had it under her pillow. Without a word, Scully pulled it out by
the sleeve and handed it to him.
"Thanks," he said grabbing it.
She wtched him put it on and fasten the buttons. "Mulder, is ther
something wrong?"
"Wrong, Scully, everything was *right*. More right then I've had in a
long time. You getting up?" With a grin he abandoned the shirt "Or do you
want some more. Noe enough last night, is that it?"
She allowed him to climb back in with her and didn't even protest when
he pushed the covers aside bareing her body to the cold morning air.
Trusting , she let him take charge, but her voice wrned him ,"Mulder"
He didn't kiss her. Instead, he trapped Scully beneath him. Her blue
eyes widened when his knee pushed her thighs apart. he pinned her arms
against the headboard. At once, she arched herback to escape.
"That's it," he murmered at her attempts to escape him. "Let's have it
rough and fast this time."
"Mulder, wait! No!"
"What's the matter?" he loosened his grip, but held his weight against
her body. He nibbled at her ear as to not have to look hre in the face. "
Aren't you in the mood?"
"No." she said though grated teeth. "Get.Off.Of.Me." she said slowly,
grating out each word.
She shoved him off of her with strength he didn't know she had.
Spinning around, Scully stared at him as if she didn't know who he was.
"What's up?" he inquired and then joked "Other then me?"
Which was a lie. Mulder was glad he put his jeans on becuase at this
moment he didn't feel the lest bit sexy. He felt sick.
With her blue eyes so wide and confused, Scully said, "You're--This
is--" she stoped herslef and said, "I'm sorry, I'm not the kind of person
who is really cooperative in the mornings."
"We'll change that," Mulder promised her. "Unless you wake up with
someone else tomorrow."
That did it. Scully stole her clotes and headed straight for the
bathroom. With a final, fiery look at him, she exited the room and closed
the door behind her. Hard.
Mulder dragged himself off the bed--the place where he had been the
happiest in a long time. It didn't hold any appeal at that moment. He
finishe getting dressed and slowly walked to the door that seperated them.
For an instant, he leaned his forehead against the wood grain of the door.
He longed to take her in his arms. He wanted to hold her, kiss her, make her
understand. But he knew what he had to do.
So he knocked sharply and raised his voice to a rude bellow. "Hey,
Scully, I gotta run. i'll try calling you later, huh? If you're home."
She didn't answer but Mulder knew that she had heard him. Grabbing his
leather jacket, he let himself out of the house and into the morning air. he
put on his sunglasses and took a street, he didn't care where it took him.
He began to walk.

Scully sat at the edge of the bathtub with the towel to her face. She
didn't want Mulder to hear the awful sob tht was about to escape at any
moment. He thumped the door and shouted something she didn't hear. Squeezing
her eyes shut, Scully willed herself not to cry.
What happened? How could she let herself make such a mistake? What
combination of factors had driven her to the arms of her partner?
He'd seemed so vulnerable, that was part of it. For the first time
since they had started working together, Mulder had been completly open with
her, it reminded her of thier first night when he had told her of his sister
and hs quest in the X-files. They'd been intamate last night and not in just
the physical sense. mulder had given her a glimse of his soul, and she liked
what she had seen. A stranger faced her this mornin. He couldn't have been
the same man who had performed the arts of love who had made her forget
everything last night.
She heard her appartment door close with a finallyity that made her
want to yell out and punch somebody.
"Why am I so stupid?!" she raged, shivering with anger. "I should have
kept my mind on what it was supposed to be doing!"
She turned the shower on and let the hot water couse down her body.
"Oh, Mulder!"
If he had just come back then, she wouldn't care she would have made
him make-love to her right there in the shower.
"Stop it." she scolded herself. "YOu can live the way you did before.
Just becuase you slept with the man doesn't mean you have to do it again."
That night a fitful Scully returned home from shopping with her mother.
For some reason she just wasn't up to mom's babbling today. She couldn't get
her mind to go any father then this morning when Mulder had viciously
assaulted her.
She walked into the bathroom and prepared for a nice, long relaxing
bath. She filled the tub with lavender crystals and sank into the warm
soothing water. Her thoughts again strayed back to Mulder only this time to
last night when he had held her in his arms, kissed her and made love to her
as she alone could purge all the sins from his soul.
"Stop it!" she yelled at herself.
The bath wasn't working tonight. She stepped out of the tub and towel
dried herself and her hair. She put on her silk pajamas and climbed into her
bed. She did not relish the fact of having to return to work in the morning.
She would just pretend that nothing had happened and everything was normal.
She turned over onto her side and sunk into dream-filled sleep.
"Dana, I'm sorry." said the voice. Sorrowful and vulnerable. The voice
penetrated her mind. "I shouldn't have...I know that now." Again the voice.
Finally her vision cleared. She was standing in a forest, dark and green.
She was wearing a green long dress with a scarlet cloak about her shoulders.
In front of her was a shimmering pool of water. The water rippled and
rippled until before her in a white flowing gown was her sister Mellissa
Scully.
"Missy?" she asked afraid that if she disturbed this image it would
disappear.
"Yes, Dana. I'm here. There is no need to be afraid." The voice of her
sister was soothing not like the sorrowful whisperings in the beginning.
"Why are you here?"
"I need to tell you something, HE says I cannot forgive myself until I
say it to you personally, and this is the only way we can communicate with
eachother."
"What is it you need to tell me, Missy?" Scully choked out. Emotion was
welling up inside her. Since Mellissa had died she felt as if she had lost
the only person who really knew her. Mulder was now not an option of
comfort.
"Mulder."
"What about him." Her voice dripping with the anger she felt for her
former lover.
"Don't be angry with him, Dana. he was trying to protect you."
"What do you mean, protect me?"
"After your abduction, I met Mulder for the first time. he was
desperate, he needed comfort. It was you. You, all along, I know this now.
He wanted it to be you."
"You are trying to tell me that you and Mulder had an affair while I was
gone and he was wishing the whole time that it was me?"
"He wants to tell you, Dana. But he's afraid."
"Afraid of what?"
"Losing you, or he's afraid he'll cause you death as he feels
responsible for mine."
"I can't believe this." she said closing her eyes.
"Tell him, it's not his fault. I'm sorry Dana, he loved you not me. It
was ever me and it was always you."
Scully felt as if the pain from Mellissa's death were combined into one
moment and now that she had her sister back she was going to lose her all
over again. "Missy! Missy! Don't go! Missy!" she yelled as the image of her
sister faded into the fog of the surrounding forest.

"Missy!" She yelled out loud. She sat upright, awaking from her dream.
She sat and remembered what had just occurred. She could remember the dream
in vivid detail. "Mellissa...Mulder." she said as if the idea of them
together had never in her wildest imaginings come to her.
"Oh God, Missy." she said on one breath. She closed her eyes on the pain
and took a few composing breaths. She turned over on her side and attempted
to go back to sleep, but the dream, so vivid, so real was foremost in her
mind. She did not believe in premonitory dreams, though she seemed to be
having them alot recently. The night Mulder came to her and related to her
what had happened and that he was alive and well was the night that she
started having the dreams. Mellissa? Mulder? There was a way she could find
out if the dream had any specific meaning or if it was just a figment of her
imagination.
She jumped out of bed and threw her robe around her shoulders.
Mellissa's things were stored in the guest bedroom, she had kept them there
when the police no longer needed them for their investigation. Among these
valuebles was Mellissa's diary.
She went to the spare room and in the closet, on the floor was an old
shoebox. She knelt and took the cover from the top of the box.In the shoebox
was letters, postcards, pictures and other things which had a significant
meaning to her sister. On the bottom of the box was a flowered notebook
with torn pages seeping out the sides.
She sat herself on the floor and stared intensely at the little book,
as if it alone held all the answers to all her questions. She opened the
book to the first entry, December 18, 1990. She flipped though until she
found the approximate dates of her return from the abduction.
"November 10, 1993
Dana has been returned, she on constant life support. I feel the
struggle that lies in her soul, between peace where she is and conflict and
danger where she wants to be..."
That was Missy, always one for over-dramitization. Scully smiled at the
memory of her somewhat physic sister.
"... there exists a spiritual conflict within myself. Morals
conflicting with want. Fox has been desperate since Dana's return, vengeful
and wanting revenge against the monsters that have lain claim to Dana's
body. I went to his apartment, needing comfort and searching for solace from
my pain by giving some. I found him in terrible pain, he was asleep and
dreaming of Dana, of the night she was taken. He awoke and found me in her
place. In that moment of need and pain he took advantage of my closeness and
understanding..."
She couldn't believe what she was reading. It was true and he had lied
to her. She looked back down at the book for confirmation that she had seen
what she had thought she had seen. She reread the passage a few more time
and placed the book in it's proper place. If this was true everything she
had with Mulder was just a farce, a lie. Searching for the TRUTH she had
come upon one of the most insidious lies of all time.
The first thing in the morning she was going to go to Skinner's office
and demand a transfer. Mulder can have his TRUTH and conspiracies and his
aliens, all she wanted was her dignity back.
Next Morning
FBI Headquarters
Basement Office
Scully gathered her few things in a cardboard box and prepared to leave
the office she had spent most her life in over the last 3 years. Mulder was
nowhere to be found. She supposed that was a good thing, he was the last
person she wanted to see at the moment.
Box in hand, she stepped around the desk and prepared to leave. What
did she want now? What was there to go after? Once she had learned the
circumstances of Mellissa's death, the momentum--the feeling driving toward
a goal-- should have died inside her but the thoughts and questions still
lingered. There was unfinished business that needed attention.
"Mulder," She said to the empty office.
Slowly she placed the box on the desk and circled their parameter of
the office. She could picture the arguments the jokes, the inuendos they had
shared in this office. She could imagine his kisses, melting and sweet. She
closed her eyes and experienced them all in her mind.
She then opened her eyes and stared at the cold and lifeless
space. "Mulder," she said softly. "why did you have to lie to me?"
From the doorway, he said, "Because I fell in love with you, Scully."
Scully nearly cried out. She spun toward the sound of her voice,but she
couldn't move. The unresolved conflict between them lay like a barrier and
prevented Scully from running into his arms.
"Damn you, Mulder," she said, managing to speak coolly in spite of the
way to her heart had begun to slam.
"You should know better the to pull something like that on me."
"I'm sorry. I wanted to wait until you were alone." In truth Mulder
wanted nothing more then to climb into bed and go to sleep for another day.
He had not slept at all since his fight with Scully. Self-loathing filled
his every thought. He knew that he was never going to sleep soundly until he
knew where he stood with her.The look on her face as she kept her distance
was not promising. She looked angry. "Please I'll go if you wish, but I've
got to talk to you."
"Don't, Mulder, I already know and there is nothing you can do to change
my mind."
The look on his face was bewilderment and utter surprise for even
having the guts to talk to him. "How?"
"Missy's diary, she tells everything, Mulder."
From her expression and stern posture it looked as if it were going to
be a long battle. Even her clothing seemed impenetrable She was dressed in a
stark button up jacket and a pair of slacks. She looked severe and
unyielding. Her hair was held back not flowing around her face as she
usually wore it. Her blue eyes were hard and demanding.
Suddenly Mulder wasn't too sure he was capable of convincing her, of
making her see how much he needed and wanted her. He could barely even face
her. He was afraid.
"Why did you come?" she asked
"I had to see you," he said mustering the strength to explain. "I
thought you might want to leave and I needed to see you. Judging from the
box on the desk I was right."
"I want to go home." she said stiffly
He nodded, and came foreward a few uncertain steps until they were
standing within a circle of grey light that slanted through the bare-faced
window. When he moved towards her, Scully backed up. With that step Mulder
could see that she had no intention of letting him get close.
Mulder studied her. She looked controlled and cool, but he knew that
was a charade. Scully had a warmth inside her, a gentleness that couldn't be
so completely obliterated by the events of the past several days. He knew
that she was coming to terms with the circumstances of her sister's murder.
"Scully," he began, he felt ready to begin his explanation. "I'm sorry."
"Being sorry won't bring her back." she said quickly and with bitterness
that dripped from every syllable.
He sensed that she was not ready to discuss his involvement in this
mess, yet. It seemed that she had deliberately misinterpreted his apology.
"Do you want to know my part in your sister's downfall? Are you ready?"
She nodded, "Yes."
"You don't intended to make it easy on me, do you?"
"I want to know the truth, Mulder. All of it."
He stood up and began to pace, frustrated at her manner, but determined
to make her see his point of view. He kept his distance from her.
"I knew Mellissa, I met her when you were in the hospital after your
abduction. I met her at the hospital and had dinner with her that same
evening, she came to my apartment that night--"
Scully interrupted him, "Did you sleep with her, Mulder? Tell me the
truth."
"I will damnit," he snapped back at her. "Just let me do it in my own
way."
She folded her arms ready to listen.
"We had lunch a few times, we talked. I liked her. She was a good
listener and she seemed to understand what I was going through. She helped
me. And yes I slept with her."
She didn't move a muscle. "Why?"
"Why?" he laughed bitterly. "Why not? She was attractive, she was nice
and we hit it off. It was natural. She was the first woman I'd made love to
since my divorce. And it was fun. She made it good again."
"But--"
"But it was short term, she understood that. I thought she was happy. I
didn't know she was going to get tangled up in this."
"Was she in love with you, Mulder?"
"We knew eachother for 72 hours, Scully! Falling in love wasn't
possible," then he looked at her. "At least I didn't think it was possible."
"It's not possible, Mulder."
"It could be."
She wheeled around to face him. She was so angry that every bone n her
body was vibrating with her fury. "Mulder, you knew how important finding
the bastard who did this to Mellissa was to me. How could you lie to me like
that?!"
"I didn't care, not at first. I had a job to do, Scully. I had a mystery
to solve and you were my only clue."
"You used me."
Too frustrated to care about the distance he wanted between them he
grabbed her upper arms and shouted back at her. Forcing her to
understand."No!" When You kissed me, you did it because you wanted to not
becuase you felt you had to. It made you want to know more."
"What I learned, I didn't like. you were a rat, Mulder."
He smiled. "Part of you likes rats, Scully. Inside that proper-lady
shell of yours, there is a real woman who appreciates--"
"Mulder!"
He was relentless, holding her tightly, drawing her closer. "She
appreciates the impulsive, the unexpected, the sensual."
He kissed her then. It happend too fast, but Mulder couldn't stop
himself. He was desperate. Holding her once more had sent a torrent of
adrenaline through her veins. He felt alive and strong. She met his lips
stiffly, but didn't pull away. She softened and opened her mouth. At that
moment Mulder knew that all was not lost.
She remembered herself and pushed out of his embrace. "Stop it,
Mulder."
He released her--all but her hand which he held as a lifeline. "I'm
sorry I was such a bastard before. The morning after we made love I felt
guilty and felt you would be better off without me. I know better now. Why
are you punishing yourself, Scully? You think you should be punished for not
catching that bullet!"
"You lied, Mulder!"
"I saw no reason to tell you everything, when I realized that things had
gone too far, I knew that I could hurt you by staying with you. I can't
change what happened, I can only ask you to forgive me. Please don't let
this tear us apart."
"What makes you so sure," she said after a while of contemplation. "How
do you know that we would be right for eachother?"
"What do you know about right? You married a teenager because you felt
it was the right thing to do. You wouldn't know love it it bit you."
"Would you?" she countered
"I know what it feels like to be with you, the night we spent together
was--"
"You were an ass, Mulder."
"I already told you the morning after was an act, I loved you like I had
never loved anyone. I felt as if I was a new person, as if I was getting a
second chance. Didn't you?"
"N-no."
"You're lying," he said softly, stroking her throat with the backs of
his fingertips. "I can feel it in your pulse. Here."
"It'll be good, Scully. If you want time to wait that will be fine with
me. I'll wait for you. I'm in love with you, what can I say to convince
you?"
"Don't say anything." she replied, fully determined to stop him before
he vowed to stay away from her forever. She touched his arms and slid her
palm up the expanse of his leather jacket. Looking directly into his eyes,
she whispered, "Don't make any promises, just kiss me."
Suddenly he was full of fire. "Scully--"
"No more talk about me waiting for the phone to ring. I love you,
Mulder." She wound her arms about his neck and tilted her face upward to
kiss him. He gathered her tightly to him as he felt the pressure of her
lips. With his other hand, he tore at the clip holding her hair back,
freeing it and filling his fingers with it.
Scully laughed at the sensation. It felt so secure--but with a kindling
of something more exciting. "My love," she whispered
"I know, I want you too, so much."
"Now, here."
He laughed a low deep rich laughter, surprised at her impulsive
location for their making-up ritual to take place. He reached her buttons
and slowly undid them keeping his gaze locked on her face the whole time. My
God she was beautiful, her face flushed and hair tumbling down. He kissed
her then, it took her by surprise and he smiled at being able to do that to
her. He heard her intake of breath and then she melted in his arms, like a
limp doll.
He leaned over her and slowly brought her to the floor with out
breaking the contact of their lips. He spread her shirt and undid her lacy
black bra.
She worked at his buttons and the his trousers. He pulled away from her
and took his pants off and stood before her. He lowered himself to the
floor and kissed her again.
He tightend his hold on her hair and tilted her head. He began a wicked
exploration with his tongue. First, to her neck, where he spent most of his
energies. He arched her body to get her closer to him, though that wasn't
physically possible.
He expertly found her breast with his hand and was playing with her
already arching nipple. Scully's composure dissolved completely. She could
no longer control anything that was happening.
Scully closed her mind and opened the doors of perception and touch. If
Mulder kissed her breast, she would explode, and that is exactly what she
did when she felt his tender lips clamp down on that section of her anatomy.
They had now managed to diverse her of the rest of her clothing. Their
bodies pressed against one another in a sensual rhythm that began with Adam
and Eve.
She cried out in a tumult of pleasure when he claimed her.
They lay like that for a long time and then Mulder drifted off to
sleep. The moment before sleep claimed her Scully thought that the TRUTH
*was* out there, but it exsisted within them, as well.

*********************
THE END